bent not broken

[nero]

hey hi- (havwe to leave before editing this- my mom needs help on phone_ ) hope it makes sense & might help a bitl]

you're not alone feeling allll this junk you do- (READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! I can type faster than think- so it got a bit lenghty) ta da...thank you an ddrive thru please

i've just read your last couple posts- your rundown of who you are. i feel alot like you- alot of the time.

I'd say upfront that very probbly what person below says about "it's coming- whether you like it or not" - is probably true. feeling soooooo out of control in this sitch (your very own life!! (for cripes sake) is the awful part. For us all. I sit around waiting to see what happens "in the end" here- hope one day i will see my way clearly and jump up and ACT. GOD alone knows if that's gonna happen-

I am fearful of all the crap that D will bring. D is not good and there is bound to be more hurt up ahead for me.

we all feel like that - i'm pretty sure. i hate thinking my "security"& love (& life) is gone - and it feels mighty like it alot of the time. i'm thinking it's okay to realize we're a bit insecure and fearful too - as long as it's not crippling me & you. . but for me to say it's not there is just lying.

you sound pretty much like you're managing to work around it- and so, since you have to be you, isn't that good enough right now? can you let self off that one hook? demanding you be all tough guy .

This is a fear. I will now have to worry. Worrying solves nothing. I know.
Others have it much worse. I know.

yeah-me too. HOWEVER - HERE'S what i think about it - i was rather poor as a kid too. my dad died when I was 18 (at home- watching changed me alot) - it killed my college plans and changed my life/future. BUT it makes us who we are too. My mom, unlike yours, was not educated or in the least sophisticated. She got a string of poor little jobs, worked hard and kept us all afloat and did a remarkable job. it's made her bitter and mad as heck. that's her journey and way of dealing.

WHAT I'M THINKING HERE IS THO, if you "know" how to be poor and practical- maybe you can take some comfort in "knowing the enemy" sort of thing- you can cope with this. I fear the day i "go it alone totally" also. I do think tho, that i will not go under or die from it. it will be uncomfortable- and not much fun. who knows what the "upside" will be til we do it.

This is a fear. I will now have to worry. Worrying solves nothing. I know.Others have it much worse. I know.

I know this junk too- i say it to myself allll the time. it's true and it helps (list of positive things & my cup is half full too) it's true. i am a pollyanna - is it a total "cure" of course not.

the worry- i have always been a worryier in life - wierdly - since this mlc and my life falling apart totally (so i think and feel sometimes) i think i actually worry less. i realize the biggest things in life are truly out of our hands - and we cannot know or forsee - it's just the human condition. no wonder religion was invented-

here's brief outline of last few years - 2008 when my closest sister was killing herself with alcohol & died - my h "changed" to kind of awful & i was blindly unaware of why (really)(i was "understanding" and trying and trying to "fix" things) i loved & trusted him unconditionally (silly me) - when h's step mom dying 2011 & i went down to fl to say goodbye in hosp - i found out about his ow(s) and my life blew to hell. (i've been simultaneously watching my mom decline (89 & dementia and me the only kid participating with her) (that's "real" hell -watching) - last year was full of hospitalizations- battles w/siblings - h's father & aunt died & we participated in their lives & deaths) idk - so much bad junk - if there's not something awful going on this minute - i'm grateful). -

sitting around for the last two years feeling like any day it will alllll end. my sister gone- my mom heading out- my h heading out - life as i know it heading out- no kidding- one can only worry soooo long about when exactly that damn axe is gonna fall on your neck- at some point ya stop caring (kind of) . know what i mean? you need to tell yourself THAT - it's happened and now you know (it's better than a terminal disease or dying) (i think) . it's like going to the dentist - you need to trust God or fate or your guts & abilities - whatever it is you have - to see you thru and know inside that whatever it is that happens next - you'll respond in the rite way for you - you won't die from it- you'll just do what is required. like your mom- you'll just pick up whatever is left to you- and carry on.


i care- but i'm sooo done "trying" to fix or figure it out - even myself sometimes . I can't fix the feeling sad sometimes - i do alot some evenings - i feel myself worrying less. i REALIZE HOW TOTALLY IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS - this stuff of accepting it's his journey- and IT'S MY JOURNEY.

is this making sense? i do feel a bit of fear and worry- we can't let it cripple us tho. a bit is normal i think. i don't even find myself wondering how it will turn out with us- i'm toooo tired to even speculate - good or bad.

I'D NEVER Have chosen any of it- i see both our parts in it all- or maybe it is allll him- who the heck knows anymore (and it doesn't matter really) . the most important person in my life has changed - seems to be someone else - was he EVER who i thought? i just get thru today- enjoy what i can and have nothing further in mind.

i am not married to him- he's ( i think now) orchestrated his life so cleverly and i'm such a "total immersion in love" kinda person for 38 years - my entire adult life it seems. i can't let go totally (throw him out of my life completely) and i can't "do this" either. i've been on a fence last couple years totally - much to the impatience and dismay of the "action oriented" people here in forum. my h is still supporting me- and i am loath to let go of that- seeeee my own fears & so on. poor is no fun at all- part of me also is the "stand your ground and fight type" .

WHEN MY TIME COMES - i'm going to feel just like you- i'm going to not die from it tho. my sister died of alcoholism triggered by her divorce & subsequent mental br eakdown- she loved that guy & his defection killed her (short version). i'm not allowing that to happen to me. i hate it all- it's not killing me. YOU TOO- i'm thinking it's okay to hate it all- it's okay to have a bit of fear or worry or human-ness here with this mess thrust upon us- IT'S NOT OKAY to let it kill ya or send you "under". you do not sound like someone who will do that.

so YAY- EMBRACE YOUR inner rod of steel down your spine- it sounds like you have one. that'll see you thru. .

I know we're all supposed to go thru this trusting the process and being alllll in charge - but don't you think the fear is normal? and that even tho we may not like what happens and may fear it and may not even do the "perfect" job of handling it all - ALL WE REALLY NEED TO DO HERE is go forward - deal with whatever occurs each day with as much rationality and guts we can muster - be ourselves - do our best and let go of the notion that we can even begin to control or understand "it" all. within reason- we are not "in charge" in life and certainly with these wierd mlc sitch's we find ourselves in.

you're expecting a heck of alot of yourself. ya know- fear is our instinct to protect ourselves. since your "fear" has not crippled you so much that you're hiding in a closet afraid to function- you're not doing sooooo badly. sometimes the feedback from this forum makes me feel rather inadequate in that department. I AM not the sort of person who dashes out and makes hugemoves and decisions in the blink of an eye.

Failing some life threatening sitch- if you're like me, you go slowly. That your h is an action oriented guy and pushing the D is sad and bad for you. Can you stop or alter that? i guess not. you sound like you're doing quite good with it all- who says you have to be and feel something you are not and do not feel?

the underlying fear is that little thing that holds me back too - feeling honestly that this is the wrong way for our lives to go (if we go totally out of each other's lives) . i don't have kids- there is really nothing that will demand we keep in touch- i could say tomorrow never talk to me again- and he probably would go do it.



i also have spent the bulk of my adult life putting h first - it is just some way i was formed i think- .

I'm from a family of 5 girls. - three kids below me- it's just a way of life being part of a group and the needs of others being first priority. (for want of a better explanation) don't you think?. h is an "only child" pretty much - him first - it never seemed that offensive really , he was/is overall kind and generous. - i think part of why he chose me and i chose him allll those years ago. i'm pretty sure allllll the going back and figuring out is wasted time .