Blues - I am so sorry to read the latest events. First and foremost, please know that you WILL recover from this.
Your H and the OW are acting like children. I think that it is time that you set some boundaries to protect yourself and your children. It does not have to be an ultimatum, because I honestly do not believe that ultimatums work.
Take some time to really think about how to proceed. At least 48 hours to process what happened and how you want to handle the situation. Once you decide how to proceed, approach your H and state what changes you want to make (if any) and explain that you need these changes for you (not as a punishment to your H).
I know that you want your H to get it together, stop the affair and stop this hurtful behavior. But as your H admitted, his life is out of control and that is likely impossible at the moment. So if you eliminate that option, what do you want? What would help you move forward with your life and stop some of the hurt that your H is causing?
Oh, Blues, that is awful and I am sorry this happened. I agree with 3 on every point she made. Your H has acknowledged that he is out of control. He obviously sees that he is wrong, but isn't at a point where he can make things right.
Know that your H's behavior is not a reflection on you. Please, please keep reminding yourself of that. I know that won't take away the hurt, but at least it will help avoid his behavior wreaking havoc on your self esteem.
I agree with waiting a little while to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Right now it is coming out as being angry on behalf of the kids. And maybe that is what it is (totally reasonable). But as I learned yesterday, sometimes we attribute the anger to one thing, when it is really coming from something deeper, or just different. And I don't think that you can properly set boundaries if you don't know for sure what you are protecting yourself from.
((((Blues))))
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
3 and Melissa gave great advice so there is not much to add other than to reiterate that none of this is a reflection on you. I am sure the finding out that he had continued the A and continued to lie has opened fresh wounds and the AP childish behavior is adding salt.
He knows he is out of control. We have talked before about just getting out of the way. You can decide what that looks like to you.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I opened my own checking/savings accounts. I have a realtor coming over tomorrow to give a value of my home. I have an appt for a consult with a L in a week. I am protecting myself and getting ready to walk if this becomes a continued disaster.
I've been flip flopping in my head and actions from DB tactics to zero tolerance for this behavior anymore. I can have a boundary of no OW, but that just fuels the fire of the A and creates more resentment of me. He doesn't respect or honor it anyway. He continues to lie and lie and lie.
Laying in bed at night and knowing he is with OW is becoming too much for me. Especially after the most recent comment "I barely care about you". Ouch.
I am not picking myself up right now. I am sick with a bad cold and tired. I have a H that says he has ended his A and is willing to try. Those words have no emotion behind them. They are not real and are destined to fail.
I'm thinking about setting a timeline for my sanity. Give this sitch 'X' amount of time to show improvement or move on with my life.
Things are just always getting worse instead of better. Our relationship has nothing left to build on because he has robbed it of all good. He is angry, resentful, hostile, and negative. I am tiring.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
OOh, good questions. Zero tolerance means divorcing my H for his A and continued lies and disrespect. This thought crosses my mind now more than ever. Moving on means filing for D and no longer feeling affected by his poor decisions. I am in constant worry about people finding out about the A.
My H works at a company where we know a lot of people. We live in a town of 1000 people. I feel like moving on and filing D would no longer attach me to the potential rumors that are more than likely spinning.
He has said he has ended the A and wants to switch departments at work. This would still not make it impossible for the A to continue, of course. He continues to take minimal responsibility and shows no remorse for his behavior. He is still rude and angry.
The only reason, I believe, he is saying these things is because he doesn't want me to 'out' him for his misdeeds and he doesn't want to have a 'weekend' relationship with his kids.
When he says he is willing to try, he will not answer the question of what that looks like. Feeling hopeless.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
You can move on and not D him at least not right now.
Here's why I say that, Ding him isn't going to magically change how you feel. All the hurt and pain will still be there, no matter which you choose, releasing that is going to take time.
I'm not advocating one over the other, it all depends on what you need for you. I like that you're taking steps to protect you and your children. Good steps.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Good for you for protecting yourself that took a lot of courage. From what I understand about boundaries they are things you put in place to protect yourself. You can't set a boundary about no other woman at this point but it can be don't talk to me about working on things while still seeing Ow (or something like that)
Is he still in house or back with a friend? It would be good if you could get a few days to just be. Get over your cold, celebrate New Years and then make some decisions with a fresh head.
You are doing great.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Oh gosh, thanks everyone. I feel like a teenage drama disaster! We've never been the people/family to have issues like these. I feel like I'm being drug down by bottom feeders.
How can this be happening??!!
Labug, yes, you've reminded me before that I can move on without a D. You always seem to bring me back down from crazyville. I seriously feel like I'm in a nuthouse right now with my H as star of the show. I'm the second act. Can you describe to me what it looks like to move on without D? I know this is such a beginner question, but this my sitch has changed and I'm in unchartered territory. How do I disapprove of his A, while he states with only empty words he'd like to try to work on things, knowing that he will likely continue the A? Do I just deal with it? Stay in our home and laugh/cook supper/go to holidays like everything is fine and I'm all 180ing while he's lying? I don't know how to do that. My DBing so far has taken place without knowing there was an PA, then once found out, his half hearted statements that he'll end it. Actually, she ended it the first time. So I've never moved forward to save my M knowing that the A is there. I realize when I think things through, that D will create an immense amount of pain in ways I'm not even aware of.
My heart absolutely aches for my kids. I cannot believe how much this has taken a toll on all of us. My H swears he is done with the A. But, we all know what his word means. I'm NOT ok with an A!
Julie, I understand what you are saying. In fact, your wording sounds perfect. The only problem is that my H lies about his A. So, setting even vague boundaries falls on deaf ears because he lies and I have almost no way of 'catching' him. They stopped all communication on his phone. I assume they do all their talking/dating during and after work. I don't want to be with someone who values me so little!
Darn it! It was just such a short time ago when I felt confident of my DB ways! I was growing and loving my changes. I was just knocked on my butt once again. Sooo not detached. Hope you guys can help me through this..I appreciate all the words of encouragement.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
In all honesty, would you feel much better if you knew the whole dirty truth? Would you be coping any different? My guess would be, not only NO, but you would now have more images to feed your mind with. Think about it for a minute.
The problem here is your still trying to hold your husband to a standard from years past. He's not that person right now, period. Your still trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
This is about detachment for you now. Your either going to let your husband deal with his issues his way, let go, or your not. I know it hurts, I know its frustrating, but you need to let him find HIS rock bottom. Look at it as your doing him a favor if you will, cause he cant see what he's doing right now. You cant fix that about him, you cant speed it up, you cant show him the way out.
Read these threads please, almost 3 years, almost bankruptcy, almost losing his sanity many times over. But he stayed the path, worked the program. If you cant see the compassion that's not only needed, but required. I think maybe this will help you with your mindset (hopefully), and when you feel a bad day coming on. Read them again.
I use his story a lot with people, I dunno, I think its one of the most inspirational stories you can find. There are many more too. I hope it gives you that kick, that idea of what detachment can really do for you. And what finding forgiveness, understanding, and compassion for your spouse, can and will set you free.
