A lot to think about. We didn't discuss what would happen at a month. I don't have an end of the plan. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out.
I have seen some positive steps. He is continuing therapy. I went with him to therapy. He invited me to his apartment for the first time (he always said it was weird before). We have met for lunch a few times.
It all sounds small but they are positive changes and more than I've seen for 9 months.
Hearing that he wanted to stay married was a step back in my work on me. I have been more focused in him since he said that and not so much my own growth. I need to get back on track for sure. I was doing really well.
So, think about what you want to do. You gave him a month and he's doing better but certainly not well enough for you to feel secure. Moving forward with your life doesnt need to be punitive; you can't just sit on a shelf and wait for him to choose. I'd recommend being more patient than ever with the sitch, but not putting your life on hold...how might you do that?
As my lawyer said, if you dont want a divorce, you dont have to do the work of making it happen.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
If he were ready to let you go, he would have. He also doesn't seem ready to commit. I understand this because I felt the same way. I think you need to make it clear that you want to reconcile but you are no longer willing to work on your M until OW is 100% out of the picture. Right now, he has no reason to do this because you have allowed him to have both of you. This is not a slam against you, we all do things in certain situations we wouldn't do in others. However, if you want him to make a choice it seems you are going to have to force him to actually make the choice.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I am telling him tomorrow that I am not willing to discuss reconciliation any further until she is out of the picture and he commits to therapy. I honestly believe he wants to work on this marriage I'm just making it too easy for him to have both. His therapist told me that last week...I am enabling him to draw this out and he has never felt the loss of me, I'm too available.
No idea what's going on but as far as I can tell we have taken a HUGE step back in the last two weeks. He is out of town with OW after telling me repeatedly he wasn't going, has no call/ no showed on the kids twice and ignores my texts and email.
The good news is I am more angry and fed up and hurt than I have ever been in the entire 16 years I have known him and that is giving me the strength for serious no contact and boundary enforcing. I don't even want to look at him or speak to him and I find myself wondering if there's any hope at all of fixing this or am I just crazy to even want it. And I'm not even sure I even want it at this point.
Sorry for the set back sthelen. Keep your PMA going as much as possible. Focusing on yourself and your children.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Thank you. My new year's resolution is to stop texting/ emailing him. So far, so good. I'll respond but I will not initiate. I stopped calling him on the phone when he moved out but I do still text more than I'd like to. Not anymore! Last one was at 6:37pm on 12/30.
This is so hard and such a roller coaster. We went to therapy together today.
It is clear that I have to let go if he doesn't end it with OW very soon.
I'm not sure what that looks like. Proceeding with the divorce?
Or just going hard core no contact and giving him more time? And working on me during that time?
The divorce is pretty much all hammered out and agreed on. There is nothing contentious. Once I make that call it can be finalized very quickly.
And even if he does end it with OW I'm starting to have a lot of anxiety about recovering from the affair and saving the marriage. Can it really be done??
