Learning from yesterday, Living for today!

[Ambivalent]

Hi Chasing,

I've been in a whirlwind, and am just touching base. I do believe asking what he defines " working on the marriage " means.

I would say he has some passive aggressive traits or serious patterns. He knows he is withholding sex to punish. This is one area.

I just read today a fabulous description of passive aggression :

" Passive aggression is a learned response to handling confrontation. It's not something that surfaces in a certain situation but s behavioral pattern that is employed when a person feels threatened, questioned, confronted or powerless to assert their desires. "

It was added, ..." those on the receiving end of the attitudes, resistance, and stubbornness may end up feeling so frustrated that their anxiety/stress level increases, the propensity may increase to act on their frustration. "

" For those using it as a default, life becomes more miserable for themselves because problems go unresolved and recipients feel pushed away." This is the most precise definition of what has happened between the two of us in my marriage.

This is why we hardly EVER argued, or did battle. It is a marriage killer! It will kill any and all in their path.

I know this was happening in my marriage on both sides. I cannot change him, and I'm working on myself .

This was me, because I was backhanded when a child and bullied by both siblings. We were not allowed to express anger towards our parents.

I have a fear of certain types of confrontation, generally from someone I seek approval. If I don't care, or don't feel a connection, then I can express anger.

So it is still based in fear, not of being struck, but rejected for expressing the anger.

When his counselor says he's "punishing you", you can bet your sweet bippy he's doing it in other areas as well.

Mine toward the coming of bomb drop, would purposely leave his size thirteen shoes right in the middle of a floor. When he came out to the house, he left the toilet lid up. He would make a mess and leave it and walk away.

I too am guilty of this, and now understand why. I have to now work on stopping the pattern. Both of our families of origin had passive aggressive mothers and perhaps even fathers. I'm not able to share this with my H. but I can and I have already enlightened my daughters. I have begun to break the cycle.

Funny when writing this I can recall what I used to do with my girls. When one started to tantrum I would acknowledge their anger and give them a piece of paper with a crayon. I asked them to draw how angry they were at the time. When I saw the rage, I would say : " I can see you are VERY angry ! " That would calm them, and then usually either I would ask or they would ask to draw how happy they were.

Somewhere down the road, that was erased and they both began to feel powerless to express it. I do remember one would say they'd do something and then not...and the other would say "NO!" and seconds later would say ooooookaaaaay, without a peep or look from me.

How much is innate? How much is conditioning? You have a chance to see for yourself with your wee ones.

You have the golden opportunity of a second chance. I will live vicariously through you.