A, I've only read bits and pieces of your thread, but wanted to offer some advice anyway. Please get a support order in place. My first attorney didn't do it and it was incredibly foolish on my part that I didn't insist on that as the first order of business. Second, check the family code in your state. In mine both parties are entitled to legal representation. The fee can be paid from community funds or by one or both spouses. I wasn't working when my xh left me. I was completely dependent on him and was truly frightened and traumatized. I didn't think I could afford to hire an attorney so I tried to put off legal action as long as possible. Well, four months later when xh received a very large bonus he hired an attorney, filed for D, paid off all the debt in his name, bought a new car and subsequently bought a new house with OW. I did not receive a penny of that bonus and had to borrow money from my parents for attorneys fees.
Believe me when I say your h is not worth your thoughts and compassion right now. You need to get your ducks in a row and quick. The longer your h is gone the less guilty and therefore accommodating he is likely to be. For over a year I prayed for my xh, showed endless kindness and understand (read my early threads and you'll see how delusional I was) and cared for our home and our kids. Xh was living the high life, blowing through money and using his attorney to play legal games with me. The two of them are still trying to break me down.
A, like you, I believed what my xh told me - that he had to leave, it was all my fault, etc., etc. I was so shattered that I believed him. My soul was destroyed. It has taken a long time to get back on the path to wholeness. Please don't let your h gaslight you. His choices are his own and there are serious consequences. The sooner he finds that out the better off you'll be.
Take advantage of the time and space you have been given. Take very good care of yourself. Elevate yourself immediately. You are precious whether your h loves you or not. Focus on you and changes you want to make because they are good for you. I understand how hard it is to take that advice when you are in a constant panic over finances.
A, you will be ok in time. Truly, you will be. Please follow the advice of job and others and get your finances in order including a support order. Without it your h doesn't have to pay you a dime.
