By the way, I am absolutely terrified of STDs. That has kept me in line my whole life!! The thought of cobtracting something makes m sick to my stomach...
So in all honesty I'm not sure what I wiuld do if sex became an option. My DB coach thought I needed to suck it up and prove my desire for her if I want her to see it is there.. of ciurse she said only if I was comfortable with the STD angle.
Well, I'm glad you didn't follow that advice!
So, she has been yanked out of the fairy tale with a big bite of reality and she's upset. She should be! It's sad to think it took getting a STD to do it. Frankly, I think she takes it for granted that the M is back on. You have stood waiting in the wings, hoping the A would end, so naturally she sees you as option B now. Why wouldn't she?
I don't think you know exactly what you want. It may take a few days before you'll be able to think clearly. After all, this has been rather shocking for you also, even though you knew it could happen. You were unprepared to know how to deal with it. It's normal to have anger and resentment, and she even knows you should feel that way.
I hardly think your M will resume to a state of perfect happiness without professional help. Finding the right counselor is difficult, but you both need it. Both of you need to deal with "why" she had an A in the first place. IMO, she needs to hear about your anger and resentment of all she's put you through.
I am not suggesting that you set about a plan of punishment, but at the same time, I do not believe you should eagerly make it all a piece of cake for her either. The very idea that she brings a STD home and asks you for a hug! If it were not for the test results, she would be spending New Year's with OM. Just stay focused here. You have a shot (if you want it) at having a better MR with her. But if you welcome her back into your arms without any discussions or requirements from her, then she will never respect or desire you as a H. That's just my opinion.
I believe forgiveness is a must, if you intend to continue staying together. Forgiveness for past hurts has to be a continual act. You may discover that it's not as easy to keep forgiving day after day......every time those thoughts pop into your mind, b/c things happen to trigger memories (as you already know). That is another reason you need professional guidance in how to proceed. Your M deserves to be healthy and most couples need help in areas such as this.
I don't think you need to focus on showing her how much fun it can be staying M to you. There was a time and place for doing that, but now is not the time. You have entered into a different phase. Most of the work of reconciling should be her responsibility, but you will have a part.
I think you went so long trying to woe her back and show her what a good H you were....that now you aren't sure what to do so you fall back into that pattern. You are still worried about your next move. I guess I'm trying to say that she needs this time to be repentant and if you cut it short by trying to make it too easy for her....you aren't doing her any favors, and certainly not your M. She got caught and if she hadn't she would still be in the A. So nothing has been worked out. She has cried a lot b/c she's faced with circumstances of her A, and she has said she's sorry b/c she knows she did you wrong. But so much more needs to be done. Has she expressed shame? I think she is very angry at OM, but is she ashamed of her actions? I just see a cheater who is anger at getting a does of her own medicine, and feeling pretty sorry for herself.
Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm not suggesting you kick her while she's down. I'm not suggesting you kick her at all. I am saying she needs time of feeling sorry and ashamed for what she has done......which is different from feeling sorry for herself.
I am suggesting that you not get into a hurry about anything. If you aren't ready to express forgiveness, tell her you have a lot to consider before you tell her anything. If she asks about your feelings, tell her the same thing....you have a lot to consider before answering.
I personally think that a WAW who gets caught in an A needs to wonder if her H will take her back so easily. She already took you for granted and disrespected you, so in order for her to get over this A and have a healthy R with you, she needs to want to be your W b/c she knows she loves you and doesn't want to look at another man. That is why she must do the necessary work and pursuit. It's kind of like hard labor before birth. It's not easy and not pleasant, but it is sure worth it.
Give yourself some time to think about all of this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
