It's just a moment; This time will pass

[willbwell]

wr, just felt that tear roll down my cheek too...but today is a new day. We can do this. We chose to be positive
I read what others have posted to you and I look at their tag lines at the bottom.so many wise and wonderful people!
We can do this. Feel the strength of that Roar!

[Whiterose]

Thank you all so very, very much....I don't know what state I'd be in if I hadn't "met" you all.

Today is a new day. Made my deliveries and getting some stuff done. Trying not to think about H picking up the boys.

we can do this wow:)

Merry Christmas to you all!!!! xoxoxoxo

[job]

WR,
Yes, you can do this. You are strong and independent and your sons will enjoy their evening out w/their father and his sister's family.

I'm glad to see that your deliveries are completed and now you can finish up some other stuff and then relax.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

[Whiterose]

Thank you Job.....I watched "The Grinch" with the boys and my sister while enjoying a special eggnog beverage.

Off to Mass then the boys are getting picked up and I'm off to my other sister's house for dinner.

I sobbed, full on sobbed, earlier and continue to be sad but am getting through the day. The poinsettia is done for SIL #2 and I've told the boys to thank their aunt for the invite. S19 wrapped H's gift (a box set of two belts) and I hadn't heard from H since Saturday so I just messaged him that I would have his stuff outside as well as his photos of S14. I also let him know that there were a few extra if he wanted to give them to his family.
H thanked me and said he'd be at the house at 6:30 (after mass)
I said I would aim for 6:30 and Merry Christmas H!
he responded with a thank you and merry Christmas.

I guess that's as good as it gets for me this year.

Merry Christmas to you and your family, Job, and my entire DB family

[Whiterose]

So some journaling and thoughts about Christmas.....

Went to Mass with the boys and was fairly "out of it" as I was trying desperately to hold it together and not ball. Got them home and they went inside and I, don't know why, decided to check the greenhouse and the stuff was gone so I thought he was there. He wasn't, he must have come by knowing we were at church and picked it up and went and waited somewhere (just so odd.....if you're going to wait for people don't you just park your car in front of the house??) he showed about 10 minutes after we got home. Hugged each boy tight and told them how much I loved them, to be good and have fun and not to answer any questions about me or the D. We (my sister's came with me after mass so I wouldn't be alone) got into my van while the boys got into H's truck and he asked S19 "Did Zia P go to mass?" (she's not practicing) S19 said "yes" .

Cried while I picked up some sushi for dinner (Italians do fish for Christmas Eve) and then got to my sister's house and locked myself in her study for 10 minutes to sob and then cleaned myself up and joined the family. Got some messages from S19 a couple of hours later saying how boring it was, he wasn't really talking to anyone, and it was as awkward as grade 8. I chatted with him and said it was going to be fine and to try and have fun. Got a message at 10:30 they were on there way home......I was shocked as it was early even for H's family. They were home around 11:30 and brought their gifts in (S19 got his "MS office for students" and $50 cash and a few other small things and S14 got a video game, clothes, $50 cash and a couple of chocolate bars and boxes of cookies, which I found the brands very random until I saw that BIL had received a gift basket from his work and then I realized H got the same basket and he had pulled it from that....no big deal but just as an FYI. Kids got some various gift cards from H's family.) SIL #2 was very happy with her poinsettia, apparently some people asked who did it up (geesh, I would guess their florist mom but whatever) and SIL #2 said that I had (she knew exactly who had) all the SIL's told S19 to wish me a Merry Christmas, S19 reciprocated the well wishes from me, and my inlaws pulled S19 aside to wish my parent's a merry christmas as well and that they missed them. I didn't know but at Mass my dad had pulled S19 aside and asked him to wish my inlaws a merry christmas as well. Boys got home and we watched a movie and off to bed.

Christmas morning I woke up to a text from SIL #2 wishing me a merry christmas with an emoticon of a christmas tree and a red heart. I sent her a text back. Opened our gifts, the boys spoiled me, and S14 said it was the best Christmas ever both boys were happy with their gifts. Got ourselves cleaned up and off to my sister's house for brunch and kid gift exchange. Got home and the S14 dealt with his stuff while S19 went back to bed (he's sick) and I made mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce for dinner. While cooking my cousin called, the one with the crazy ex, he had picked up the kids and I think she was lonely so we were chatting. I heard the beep, but on some of the phones in my house I can't see who's calling, I always answer "Merry Christmas" so I did and I hear "Umm, Merry Christmas" it's H So I replied "Oh, Hi. I'm on the phone long distance can I get them to call you back?" "Sure" "Ok, bye" I told the boys H called but I'm not sure if they've talked to him. We watched another movie and went to my parent's house for dinner and gift exchange. Got home and S19 fell right asleep while S14 and I watched another movie. Off to bed.

H went to SIL #1's house for dinner with his entire family, which in 20 years has never happened. I saw a family photo (my inlaws with the 4 kids) and H looks like he's gained weight back, and maybe a bit more, but he looks "puffy" in his face and upper body. I'm guessing sodium from eating out and beer.

Missed H for most of it but my dad and sister said I did great....that outwardly I appear totally fine and that my boys are seeming OK with the events so that made me feel better.

Still waiver back and forth between wanting H home and never wanting to see him again.......RosaLinda mentioned that I would know exactly when I want that door completely shut and that I'm not there yet. Anyone else have thoughts on that?

[job]

WR,
You aren't ready to shut the door just yet. Why? Because you definitely would know. You are still waffling back and forth about how you feel about him and until you are sure, it's best to leave the door ajar and continue to move forward.

Overall, it sounds like you and your sons had a really nice Christmas. It's not the type of Christmas that you really wanted, but it didn't turn out bad and nasty. Your sons were treated well at the inlaws and appear to have had a good time and that's all we could ever ask for them.

Now it's time to look towards the new year and I do hope that you and your sons will have a much better one than 2013 turned out to be.

[Whiterose]

Thank you job, I guess I'm not ready to fully admit that I'm done, so I'm not done.

We did. S19 kindly shared his cold so I'm sick now too. Lol.

I guess S14 hasn't talked to h since his call Christmas Day. I did tell him H called and then this morning the phone rang, I didn't get to it in time, and H left a message (hasn't left a message on the home phone since he left so it was odd) saying that I had said I would get S14 to call him back but he hasn't. I did tell S14 it was his dad leaving a message and he said "ok". Just asked S19 if he's talked to his dad since Christmas Eve and it was also a no.

Do I call h back to tell him I have told the boys, I feel like he's blaming me for maybe not telling them, or do I leave it?

My friend, T, the one that sometime h talks to and she lives in a different province, came with her H and kids for dinners. Tradition for us to get together. It's her brother, G, that was friends with H when they were 18 and who's wife,TR, just did her own bd a couple of months ago, anyway they continue to live in the same house and are in the process of selling it but were supposed to have H over for Boxing Day. I guess G got in trouble from TR for telling T that H was going to their house. "You weren't supposed to tell her!" Honestly people!?!?! T was upset by that. I said it's probably normal that my H doesn't want me to know. T got a text from TR saying H never showed but T doesn't know if she just said that to make up for G saying something. Anyway, H and TR have a history before me (TR was dating G left G to date H broke up and went back to G) and I said I bet they get back together. It seems they did a lot of texting when TR was deciding to leave G. I said I bet hey end up getting together. T did ask TR if she had any intention of dating H but TR said no that he's H and that he's like her brother. I told T I would wait and see. TR comes from an equally dis functional family as H and has always been a little crazy.

Anyway, you can see where my mind is today. ......

[job]

WR,
Sorry you are under the weather and I hope you feel better soon.

As for calling your h back and letting him know that you told your sons of his call...I wouldn't. I would just leave it alone. You've told them and it's their decision whether or not they call him. Now, if your h calls again and inquires, that's when I would advise him that they were informed. You can't make your sons call their father and he needs to understand this, i.e., that they are old enough to decide whether or not they wish to speak to him. This is his problem to resolve, i.e., relationship w/his sons.

The most important thing for you to do this weekend is rest and take care of yourself.

[Whiterose]

Thank you Job,
I worked yesterday and then went to the drug store and bought them out of everything:)

I didn't call him back, but yesterday was hard. I did a lot of moping and some crying (on the way home from work) so very lonely. Got a text from H this mooring

Hello W have you had a chance to make an appointment with the bank?
Hi H I've talked to them He's working with my lawyer
(H) OK I've asked my Lawyer where we were and he told me to contact you directly to see what was happening

I haven't responded back. I have nothing to say and SOOOO much I want to say/ask. I'm desperate to ask him to come home, even though I know that if he were to ask I'd say not until we work things out.......I guess I just need a reminder not to answer. Not to engage. That he can't hear me right now.

Sick, lonely, tired and blue.....not a good combo, eh?

[Pudmuddle]

Being sick doesn't help dealing with any of this cr@p too Rosa. I'm sorry you feel sick, I hope you get better soon. But you were burning the candle at both ends, so I'm not surprised!

I would wait on a response until you feel a bit better. Or write it out and then think on it.

Feel better db sister.