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[Ambivalent]

So I spoke with my mom, she wants to help, but she is eighty four, and assets are not liquid. She doesn't want me to lose the house.

I need to figure out how to keep him paying, and filing will be it. It will terminate my access to the checking account I'm positive. If I can get the mortgage, then I should be able to cut back on utilities and maybe get some help. I have been advised to NOT get a job. I have cut off the heat to save propane, and am using space heaters per room I'm in. Jeez, this is ridiculous.

I've even cut back on the water and sewer to save. Don't ask! I can shower at the gym if I want, and it may be far more cost effective temporarily. Once he gets the notice or whatever, it will get ugly.

I know his ability to bully and he will not be pleased.

This does put me in a precarious state. I am writing things down to remember them and I am trying to focus. Today I have been writing down expenses and figuring out what minimum I need to survive.

Dance is the only thing that is a discretionary expenditure. It is something that truly helps me psychologically. What is so annoying is that as I'm cutting back, he can still play. He has the ability to expense dinners , outings, gas, etc. etc. My whole world has been rearranged and I may soon be displaced.

Wow! Take another bite of the reality apple, Eve!

This is the end, I don't ever see this guy being a friend, nor pal. He will eventually hate me, and resent everything about me.

What I don't get , is that I still have feelings. I don't want his siblings to hate me. I don't want my brothers in law, to think of me as a pariah. Eventually , he will start to say things about me, it is human nature.

I'm so stuck, I feel no matter what I do, there is no positive outcome. I feel so bogged down, and yes I guess that's what he wants me to feel. Because he feels so trapped, he wants me to feel it too!

I need to get to the gym, but I'm finding it very hard to even get in the shower today. It's hard too, because my daughter left yesterday, and I'm back to me alone in the house.

How did I get here? I am so angry at myself, and I'm so so sorry for any pain that I caused this man. If he is anything like his dad, he will never trust his heart to me again. I can only hope that he doesn't get married right away, for that will just put a nail through my heart. It is tough enough as it is.