Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Thanks sweet friends. It's always so helpful to do a temp check and have that sigh of relief: yup, it's okay. It's normal. It's completely normal in the most abnormal period of my life...so far.

I've been thinking about what Wonka had said ages ago about putting my ring on for New Years, as a new start. I've been looking at it, putting it on, and I'm not going to do it. It just makes me feel sick. It just has too much negativity attached to it right now. I see the different symbols in it, remembering the old stone bridge where he proposed. I see the images of how he proposed, and how every woman when they hear the story just falls to pieces over how romantic it was and every guy is hoping their wife isn't comparing my proposal with theirs. I see how crazy in love he was with me then, how he gave up absolutely everything to be with me. I see promises, love, commitment, and complete adoration. I see the man I trusted with every ounce of me. I see the relationship that everyone wants to have. And then I see it all broken. I see that old love then, and how amazing it was, and how easily it was destroyed. I see the love that I have now, and how absolutely amazing it is right now. But, I look at that ring and know it can all be so easily broken again. The negative feelings with the ring are too overpowering right now.

We were watching a tv show last night. The father was cheating and the daughter walked in on him in the act. I just gasped. It was too much. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. And H just grabbed me and held me. And he knows. I know he knows how much this is killing me. I know he knows how hurt I am. I know he knows that I get triggered. I don't say anything, but he can tell. I get triggered by these things and he is the one who comforts. He is the one who holds me and won't let me go. And it's so ironic. It's so ironic that him holding me makes me feel at peace.

He has been talking a lot about last year while separated. Just normal kind of conversation. His roommate did this or that was something he did last year or bought last year. Nothing shocking. Just completely normal conversation, except it's not normal. And it just starts me thinking down the path of everything else that was going on at the same time as all these other innocent things. And I know we need to be able to just talk about it and not have a whole year of our lives be taboo, but it's hard for me. It's funny that I think now he wants to talk about it and feel safe with me that I'm not going to turn on him, and I just want to forget it and not talk about it, like it never happened.

If I didn't look at that ring and see what we had then. If I didn't think we had such a wonderful relationship before. If I hadn't elevated him, my feelings for him, our marriage to such an extraordinary level, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. Falling from so high a height hurts so much more. And yet if I didn't have that history with him, if I hadn't built up to that height with him, I don't think I would be here right now. I wouldn't have waited as long as I did. I wouldn't have tried to figure out what was going on. I wouldn't have looked for some other way besides what social norms tell me to do. And I don't think he would have done all he has done to get back home and with me either.