Hi Sue, Just wanted to let you know that I've been reading a lot of your past posts throughout your 2 years....got more to read. It has really been helpful to my sitch. My H has not left the house, but I think he plans to in the next month, maybe the first of March. I read you older post when your H left. I'm getting lots of good advice, life experience and input from that post....from you, LL, KAW, and more. You all help many of us, when you don't even realize it. Anyway, thanks for the history lessons.
I will wait this out for much longer....it COULD all be worth it one day. My bomb hit last Memorial week-end...but have felt the distance now for almost a year.
If you want to visit my current post, it's also in "piecing" under "Being in NEUTRAL is getting old...."
Hope you have a great week-end with H. Take care, and keep on Dbing!!! You are remarkable!
I am again so overwhelmed...am not able to sleep...got the DR book out..first time in over a year..read the "Infidelity" chapter..as I never really wanted to believe it was a pa, it sayd it all..about the emotions..I worry that I am not feeling some of them..I do not have a sense of anger...it does give the other spouse some ytips..so I will offer it to h.
He came to my workplace today...I was shocked..just wanted to say "hi"..I did ask if he wanted to hang out tonight, but he said it was his night to go out with a couple staff members from church to rehash things over..they told him to invite me, but I said it was ok..he did not have to include me in everything..he did ask me to a movie Sat. night..I would like to see the new one out.."Miracle"..suppose to be uplifting... I am tossing around feelings tonight that are bothering me..in the book, Michelle says to spend more time together, but I don't want to suffocate him...she says to the s that had the affair that there might be many questions and to answer them..which he did...reading that chapter has given me the ok to have these feelings..
Holdingon...h said with not having a job, it has given him time to think..and that after the sermon last Sunday about everyone having a purpose..and that God has your life planned out, that he had a "God" moment..that to come and admit what had happened to me, is what he needed to do to clear the guilt and pace that he has been carrying for so long....again he said it was easier to just keep going and not admit to the wrong doings...it frightens me that it is so sudden...can any other vets here assure me that it is not a sign of regret later for him? Our r 25 years ago was quick..not that I regret it..we have lasted alot longer than most m today..I will continue to grasp the feelings. Keep praying for God to work on your h heart..and his life..to make him happy with or without you..whatever He has planned...keep asking him for the strength to make it through each day..
Mooka..I will look you up..by all let your h go..if that is what his mind and heart tell him he needs to do..I dreaded it for along time..and there are many lonly days and nights..but it is the time to work on healing you and fixing the things that you need to fix...PATIENCE...has been a thorn in my side..as you have read...also letting go...I doubted for so long that not talking to him would be of any benefit..but it is...maintain a friendship..work on letting go of anger and bitterness..and work on you..
forgive my inquiry but has your h admitted to the ea actually being a pa? if so was he specific with you about when it turned to a pa? etc.
As you know my h had an ea (unlike your h mine kept even the friendship aspect of it hidden) and though he is now home still denies it ever being a pa. This is something I struggle with often and stories like yours helped me to believe that an ea is possible but now (not just as a result of your h's ea actually being a pa) I'm finding it harder and harder to believe and I don't know what to do.
honestly I believe that this struggle is a big part of what is keeping me from getting comfortable (and not in the bad way of resorting to the old ways) in this m.
it's been a while since I've asked h the same old question of "was it ever physical" and am reluctant to ask again as it usually ends up with both of us discouraged.
good luck to you sue, I had a feeling your h would come around...as you've seen sometimes that patience really does pay off.
oh yeah you asked if it's common for things to happen so suddenly...a yup!! one week my h was sure he wanted a d and the next he was telling me he loved me and that he was sorry and ashamed of himself. It's still a long road ahead and the pace will slow a bit. Don't forget all you have learned about yourself and relationships on this journey. If you'd ever like to corrospond off the board feel free to email me at smukinfart@msn.com LL
Where've you been? I've missed your acerbic retorts! I hope things are OK with you and yours?
I'm sorry to butt in on your thread, Sue, hope you don't mind? My two cents - from all I have read and heard, it is MOST unlikely that a H will walk from a longish M without there being a possible OW in the wings, if it isn't already a fully fledged A. Just read the 5 LLs and even there the guy says the same thing, he's been a marriage councellor for twenty years or more.
I'm going through a difficult patch with our legal separation coming up Monday, yet our R has taken such a turn for the better...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
thanks for your thoughts...yes there definitely was a ow in the pic that I accept and h admits to as much. He however doesn't admit to it ever getting physical..."it just never happend" he does admit to wanting to...I'm torn with believing him and not. It's keeping me from being comfortable with him.
I have just posted to the thread that pib started for me with the same feelings so as not to fill up sue's thread with my negative jibe.
Sue,
I am sooooooo happy for you!! however...don't let go of the you that you've discovered through all of this..continue on your path of self discovery and let the r with h work it's way into your life. Keep in mind that a good m is the meshing of two healthy full people.
Hoping ~ I haven't posted to you, but I just read your post to Wonder and came here to read your story.
I am not through all of your past threads yet, but from what I can see, you have been through so much and have grown and learned as a result. Your patience is amazing and proves that anything can happen if we stick to DBing!!!
I will finish reading your old threads soon, but just wanted to say "WAY TO GO!!!!"
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
LL..thanks..you have been an "oldie" and know my sitch for the past year...if you remember my h always told me it was not an pa.."just friends"..well, the other night he told me ALL..it did start as firends...and when I look back..I am guessing about the time he really withdrew from me..and especially stopped touching me, it probably became more. He spilled all out, as he wanted to start to rebuild trust..and said if he did not tell all, then I would maybe doubt..i even asked if they went to a hotel..he said "yes"..he then said "I could have told you no, but then I would just be on the "train" again..and by telling you it shows that I won't keep anything from you". I told him I would have believed him if he had said no..and I would have.For the past couple years, I felt so strong that there was nothing physical...but as I told him last night, there was a twinge of me that said probably...I am so struggling as to why I am not furious..angry..bitter,hurt, right now, and I told him that maybe because this past year I have felt all those things.I am afraid it will all surface later..and I told him that.I did ask him last night if he had any doubts..did he change his mind..he asked if I thought that because he had gone out with the pastor and another ff to a restaurant/bar Fri. night..He told me pastor had left after supper, but that friend and he stayed and played darts..I have no problem with him having a ff..it was the other one that I had a problem with from the very beginning..there are friends of opposite sex that only want to be friends, then there are the others..
He did comment that the old me would have drilled him about the evening..but I did not..and he openly was telling me that 2 men had asked his friend out..knowing full well that she was with him...I said that I wonder if anyone else would hit upon me..just curious..he did say that he had thought about that in the morning..wondering if we both would have been there with him, if it would happen to both..I said that anyone that tries to pick a person up when they are clearly there with someone else..would not be the best pick..he said he had told his f that too..and she said , I don't want to pick up a guy..I just came here with a friend for a drink..(she is going through a d).
Even after only a few days of him confessing all this to me..I have no problem with his friendship with her...your gut can ttell you alot..and with the other *itch..my gut started screaming 4 years ago..turns out I was right. H even admitted that she was only for herself..I did not ask him right out "why" it happened...but when he told me he said it was a very bad decision..it just was easier to keep gong then to get off the "train".
So..LL, I don't know what to say about your h..he tells you there was no pa...do you feel there are signs..or gut feelings oterwise? I have to ponder this awhile..wow, that sounds like KAW!!!
Sorry to come late to the party. I've been mostly off the BB this week. I'm so glad you posted on my thread.
I think we have similar philosophies about the anger versus the hope and forgiveness. Your story is just fabulous... the miracle you've been wanting and so well deserve. Michele's post about the feelings that are normal now was such good food for thought (I'm going to take some home). Ahhh, we get what we want and the work begins again. But so worth it!
Best wishes to you and to your H on beginning your "new" M.
I am so inspired by your sitch. Your faith in God, your determination to stand your ground for the sake of your marriage and the intervention by God, your Hs awakening conscience or what ever it was that has turned your H around.
I think we start to get the truth, when WE finally stop being so willing to lie to ourselves. Each of us KNOWS/or knew, in our heart of hearts that our spouses were involved in their As.
We chose, as a means of self protection, to minimize those thoughts so as to protect OURSELVES from the pain of the truth. We to often are guilty of ENABLING our spouses to lie to us because we so willingly buy the lie. If WE want desperately to believe that our Hs A were strickly emotional then when they tell us that's all it was we're quick to grasp that lie and try to make it reality and all we do is prolong the agony of the REAL truth that's waiting around the corner for us. And when we are finally hit with the truth we get angry at ourselves for allowing ourselves to accept what we knew to be a lie.
It's all perfectly normal, we don't want to think the worst because as women, we tend to turn the 'worst' into somehow being OUR fault. We try to 'own' the guilt for THIER failure until we finally realize that WE are NOT responsible for THIER misguided decisions.
The fact that your H has 'come clean' is a phenominally rare occurance. It takes GREAT courage on your Hs part to 'risk it all' to bare his soul. He is laying his fear, his guilt, his future at your feet...he's offering you the opportunity to make a safe and sound decision for yourself....most of us never really get that.
I'm proud of you Sue, and I'm proud of your H because whatever motivated his 'turn around' it is being done with great selflessness on BOTH your parts.
I am happy for you and your h that he has finally been able to "come clean" about his r with ow.
I did speak to my h last night and again and though he admits to being stupid and in a bad place and making poor decisions he is still adamant about it never being a pa of any kind at all.
follow the gut? though I never knew the ow only knew of her as a customer of h's my gut always told me she was no good. my gut about my h's r with her ever being a pa? dunno guess I've got twisted guts...or maybe my gut tells me no it wasn't a pa and my mind is telling me it was...I suppose it will be something I take to the grave.
