My Picnic Blanket

[bustingout]

Hi job thank you for the link- it did help me understand a bit more on why they run. It's so hard keeping the faith and belief in H sometimes. The depth of the crisis is masked so well. I want to reach out and reassure him and I know I any right now- and of course the OW issue is always a battle within myself. I understand intellectually what she represents to him, yet my emotions are still hurt and scared by it. It's a daily hourly battle and I have learned a lot of strategies to cope with my emotions that has been my only source of relief with this aspect of the crisis.

H is still talking to her. Not as much- not as intense. He told his sister before Christmas that it's almost over. His sister sees a lot more positives with H in general and with me as well. I do too but am very wary of it because I know OW is still in the picture. I understand that ending an affair is not always easy- a slow process for some... Weaning off an addiction. My thoughts are that he may be trying to maintain a friendship with her or simply is not ready to let go. That is his fear I know and his need to feel in control.

Then the dark voice starts in my head 'it's all a scam, don't believe what you are seeing or hearing or reading, be afraid' and my faith waivers... My mood drops.

I suppose he and her are both afraid- and are hanging on to eac other for dear life. If he has stated to disconnect from her, she will be fighting hard for him.

I keep my expectations as low as possible- mostly at zero and this has been very helpful in warding off fear. I keep thinking though - what is it about me that would attract me back to him? I had low self esteem to begin with and this crisis pushed my self worth underground. I have learned a lot about validating myself throughout this and trying to love myself and value my worth. I felt so easily replaced and disposed of - the family as a whole- it's hard for me to see why he would come back. I guess I don't know what he values anymore. And I often find myself feeling like a child - afraid of making him angry again. Feeling invisible.

I pray that H is coming through and I understand this will take more time and patience. I have never faced anything so deep as this crisis- I have learned so much about myself, love, giving love, needs and wants, my children and my other relationships . I am thankful for that - I am grateful for that. I too, I was a list soul before this happened.

I have has several more positive observations about H. Some even about me- but he is not there yet. I feel it in my gut. I come in and out of his posture of the family as a whole- but not in his picture of me and him. I am not in it yet- if ever again.