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[makingmagic]

Hi Ambi.... catching up... put bars of soap (even cheap soap), in drawers, bags, boxes, whatever.... never moths!! and no awful moth ball smells!

[Ambivalent]

Guys, the moths are not the issue...


So husband did write back. He must reeeaally be cycling down. I just go a whopper of a response.

He has rewritten history, he is back to blaming me, I didn't meet his needs, he "tried" to tell me.

I need to now make three thousand a month as opposed to the other letter where I needed to make one thousand.

I should get a market analysis on the house.

He provided a pretty good life for me. I have to be responsible for my financial life, he's been unhappy for years, and he is too young to let that path to continue.

Oh my gosh it is scripted. He even complained that I lost weight after he left!

So , I have no money to use an attorney...He has upped the amount of money I should now be making, he wants to sell the house. What the Hell do I do now?

I am not going to engage in another back and forth. He is back at the beginning again. Repeated and this time added some stuff he spewed.

I cannot take in kids if or a boarder if he keeps threatening the house.

Courts cannot compel him to pay the mortgage, and he can't compel me to sell the house.

He is applying more pressure. I have two attorney's that have said don't rush out and get a job.

So I'm really confused.

Part of me wants to say: You want out of this marriage, then I have to follow the advice of the lawyers I've seen. They have instructed me not to get a job until after I have passed the boards. That to do so would not be in my best interest.

You have one last payment that needs to be made to the school before they will let me graduate. I may not take the boards until the school says I've graduated.

I am taking the advice of the books you gave me, and the lawyers have given me.

If you want your needs to be a priority then you will have to make the marriage a priority. I cannot put your needs ahead of mine if you continue to pursue divorce. It is not possible to do both.

Other than that I have to do what is in my best interest.

I disagree with most of the rewritten history you wrote, I have contributed quite a bit to the marriage and family. While not perfect and mistakes were made on both parts, I do not believe that divorce will solve anything nor accomplish anything.

It is what you have chosen to pursue, then you may pursue it.


So , the att's. did say if he allows foreclosure it could be one to two years before I'm out of the house. The only thing I would need are the bills ,and food. It would put three thousand a month into the bank, and should stop his this duress about money...who knows?

Part of me wants to suggest he file for bankruptcy, and go from there.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I'm very sorry to read that he is ramping up his rewritten history and his replay behavior has ramped up. If you remember, I told you a while back that he was just starting to enter into full blown replay...this is what it looks like and the more he thinks you are fighting him on stuff, the nastier and more determined he will become to move forward w/a divorce and cutting off paying bills that he thinks you should be responsible for now that he has moved out.

I realize and do understand that you need to express yourself, but I want to caution you that once you've said what is on your mind, that's it. The more you try to reason w/him, the more stubborn he's going to be to do things his way. Marriage is not a priority for him because he's already made up his mind he wants out. What he could do is make bill paying a priority and pay your final payment for school so that you can graduate and find a position. That would make more sense...but he's seeing nothing but dollar signs and they are going out the window on his past life. You can't rationalize w/him at this point in time. The more you try to make him see the light, the dimmer it will become for him because he has made up his mind about what he wants to do w/his life in the here and now.

If he's heavily in debt, it might be wise to file bankruptcy and clear the slate. He may be open to this, but I would think he has already looked into it if he's been doing some research on the house, etc. It doesn't hurt to offer up that suggestion and see what he has to say about it.

I'm very sorry he's not willing to work w/you on the finances. You've got some really tough decisions to make in the days ahead.

[Ambivalent]

This is his perception of thirty plus years after seven months. I have another letter from back in the Summer where he spewed some of the same stuff. I also have a letter where he took more responsibility for his part . Below is way more myopic. He never mentions the fact that daughter no. 1 had many psychological recommendations, and recommendations from professionals to get her out of the public system. He never remembers her shutting down, and her needs not being met by the system.

He fails to remember how many times I did initiate, planned out a spontaneous mid day getaway. One in which I had to drop everything, get a place for the kids, plan everything out...All the lingerie, the initiating even after finding out about his " prostitute use of only two times. "

He fails to remember I never had to have anything, I asked if we could and that way I could give more time to the kids. He never did housework, he did do his laundry. I did my, and two girls laundry up until it was time to teach them to do it for themselves. He fails to mention all the landscape architectural work I did to our homes, and the maintenance of them. Because I enjoyed them, it doesn't count.

He fails to remember all the times I was a driver, social coordinator, coach, G.S. leader, researcher, and yes cooked breakfast , made lunch and dinners for oh say 15 plus years. If you ask my youngest daughter, he wasn't around, she doesn't remember him being there except for Christmas and birthdays... That doesn't mean he wasn't traveling , but he chose to go to happy hours, play basketball, many many years of golf. He was the one who encouraged me to play tennis.

He has forgotten the 10,000. dollars that went to a country club, and the monthly fee plus the restaurant requirement. The initiation fee is never returned and the membership is inactive.

He has what relationships he has with our daughters because I was the one who facilitated them. I encouraged them to go and share, I kept him in the know. I made excuses for why he wasn't around. Don't get me wrong here, he did come to teacher conferences, was there when I asked him to be. Was he as distant as our parent's generation...no.

It isn't the easiest to read, for I didn't punctuate as should . I'm exhausted and just threw it up with some insight and comments. I do accept responsibility for many of my errors, and I still feel pain for what he feels.

=================================================================



" after I just had to throw away every winter weight suit, pants and sport jacket you put in storage. at retail it was over $ 10,000 in clothes. All destroyed by moths. "



Sorry moths got to the clothes, I don't know if it is the storage or the house though. For my woolens, even the ones in the closet got eaten too!

Your response screams to me that you don't take any responsibility for your decisions. Even yesterday when we spoke about the fire... your comment was "xxx didn't blow out the candle". I just don't believe that your clothes in the house had damage anywhere near what mine did in storage. I'm talking about hundreds of holes in every piece. In my opinion there was no reason my stuff had to be moved to storage. It's just one more example of my needs not being a priority.

My daughter told me she didn't check and didn't blow it out before going up. I didn't blame her nor place responsibility on her. I even told her that it wasn't her fault. It just happened.



Income v.s. outflow I understand, that is why I was looking at other options for income and why I wanted to do what I spoke about this past Summer. Giving me books rather than sitting down like adults is, not helpful, it came across as blaming me and condescending, with a dash of insensitivity for the timing . I'm sorry but what example should I look at that says you understand anything about our cash flow ? It's been 7 months and you seem to blissfully go about your day to day life without making an effort to get the full time job you need. I have been saying for years that the stress of being the only one responsible for everything is killing me. I tried sitting down with you and that didn't work. If one of our daughters was in this situation, you would tell her that she needed to get a job, work as many hours as she could and go to school at night. I'm tired of it. And its unfair to me to bear all of this burden. I understand that you are interviewing. You should have been doing that months ago.

Actually , this is a bit of rewritten history. His complaints were just in the past year and a half. That is why I took action and started school. I would have told the daughter who went to school and chose not to pursue her field just that. She was laying in her bedroom, naked, gaming on the computer, completely withdrawn and shut down.

Paying for a divorce, is not going to make anything easier or is it going to solve any problems financially or within yourself. It will only make things worse, uglier, and cause more stress. The debt and finances are huge. It looks like you are getting garnished, and that back taxes are over 75,000.00 dollars? No? I am not being garnished yet. But I might be soon. I could deal with it and the back taxes BUT I HAVE NO CASH. You write that you want me to find a way to keep you in the house. If and when my paycheck gets garnished, HOW DO YOU THINK THERE IS MONEY TO PAY THE MORTGAGE ? And as far as taxes go, I need to hire a lawyer and negotiate some type of settlement. That also takes money.



There were mistakes made, financially and relationship-wise. You had needs that you wanted met and so did I, neither of us shared things. I absolutely shared my feelings about sex. I asked you to initiate and you essentually told me no ! It was the man's role to initiate. I heard all about your TMJ... I complained about no food in the house, I complained that you couldn't be bothered to make accurate notes on the checks you wrote so that I could keep track of what we spent money on.

I did want him to initiate and wasn't specific about how. As for no food in the house, there was no junk food, and the food that was there needed to be prepared. Accurate notes. I wrote what it was in the notes line, still do.


We both didn't want to hurt the other and resentments either built up or we came to a conclusion about the other that wasn't correct. Even now, I think you are clueless to the years of ignoring my needs. Years of the girls asking me to bring home dinner because you wouldn't prepare something. Years where your job in our house was to be homemaker and it didn't happen. Years, where in my opinion, it was do as I say, not as I do. MY stuff was moved... or thrown out. Years where I heard you say that the responsibilities of the house were too great.... You needed a cleaning lady..... Its partially my fault. I made enough money that I didn't want to deal with it. But looking back financially, we should have done many things differently. You should have been doing the laundry.. for all of us... You should have been meal planning for the family, shopping the grocery sales and cooking a dinner, even if it meant fixing a plate that I could warm up later when I got home. Instead it was always about what you couldn't have in the house... so basically there was nothing in the house.

The girls in their later years, teens, didn't want to eat what I prepared or at times we were exhausted from running around. Yes I could have been better in this area. When we were first considering marriage, I did say that I didn't want to clean the toilets or do his laundry. I wanted him to do these. I won't go into his BVD"s but suffice it to say, they weren't pretty. He did leave newspapers all over the place, dropped things as he came in and didn't pick up after himself. I also took responsibility years ago, saying it was my problem and that if it bothered me I would move them, or stick them somewhere so I wouldn't build up resentment.


I made a choice to work through things , try to learn and tried to accept both of our frailties. I took our vows to heart. Commitment is easy when people are getting their needs met, and times are good. It is when it is " for worse, for poorer, and in sickness " that we are challenged. It tests the true metal of a person's character. Which response kicks in Fight or Flight.

Commitment is easy when everything is being handed to you. You never had to work, you refused to take responsibilty for your spending, had to have expensive private schools, had to have a cleaning lady. On the other hand...I don't think my needs were getting met at all. In retrospect... I should have been more demanding about what I wanted... My expectations about my partner.

I never said I had to have anything. I asked, requested and supported my arguments.



As for not having a libido from me during times, well it can come from all this unbelievable stress. Just like when I was stressing for years on end over the kids, moving, not moving, job loss, schools etc etc. There are solutions and running from them does not solve a thing. Your drive has a lot to do with the enormous stress YOU are under.

Low testosterone, and inner turmoil. "During times " ....I'm sorry but here again I have to strongly disagree. BEFORE we got married, you pushed me away sexually. I'm not sure what stress caused you to not be interested in sex then. I very clearly remember you saying "why can't we just cuddle" "please don't push me to have sex". I have to tell you that when I tell men I know that we didn't have sex for 6 months before our wedding, they ask why did I get married ? Low testosterone is an excuse you seem to be using as the reason I stopped inititating sex. Not true !! I stopped initiating because frankly it was more fulfilling to masturbate. As for moving and not moving.... thats a normal part of life. And we hardly moved.

I did do this, at the time I was scared of why I didn't feel the feelings. I didn't know what to do. I now know it was based upon how I felt . I was second to his best friend, his family was rejecting me...telling him I couldn't come to the "family" Thanksgiving. I felt unimportant, and insecure. No excuses it was something I guess I could have tried to figure out. At 21 I was still learning and really embarrassed.

Marriage and relationships are challenging, and it takes strength to weather the bad times. There were MANY times I could have bolted, but that would not have solved a thing. I would not have found anymore happiness,, for there would be a different problem down the road.

There were MANY times I considered leaving you over the years. I didn't because I felt that the girls would get the worst of it.

Gambling, drinking, screwing around, doing drugs, drinking , spending, all of these and more don't solve a thing. It is who we are down deep and learning to accept each other and grow through issues that can only make things better. It is looking at the mistakes our parents made, and not repeating them that can bring clarity. Too many assumptions have been made based on past behaviors, and not enough credit has been given to how individuals can change and grow. I have been working towards starting a brand new career. I wanted to share , learn , and grow.

I cannot compete with another woman, nor the hormones that are coursing through your body due to something new or exciting. I have chosen to deal in reality. We have a boat load of debt, I wanted to work with you to overcome it and prepare for our future. I do not want to throw away everything we have worked for. I want to do things as a team, and fight like Hell to beat this .

I'm not sure what you think we have. There is no savings to speak of ( 8,000 ). The house is under water. What we have is possessions, furniture etc. We haven't been intimate in years. I can't remember the last time we had a passionate kiss. How many times did you tell me that I needed to go shower before you could be interested ? How many times did you say, please don't breath on me ? Hell ! You woke me up from a dead sleep to tell me to turn over because I was breathing on you.

We were not intimate for almost a year. I initiated when we went on a trip. I did tell him to shower. And my H. has halitosis, bad! One night he rolled over and his breath awakened me . I generally say something and nudge him to roll over. Obviously THIS time reeeeally bothered him...it was very close to bomb drop.

Whether you want to believe it or not, I do feel the financial pressure, and after looking at the past paperwork over the years, there were many things I was not told. I asked if I should get a job or go back to work many times over the years. The responses I got were: " ...wouldn't make a difference..." ..." it would cost more than I'd make..." " ...it would change the tax bracket...".

Some of what you say is true. I am sure you would have spent more on a wardrobe than you made in income. And daycare would have been an expensesive proposition. But, We have always been at one of the highest tax brackets and you couldn't be bothered to even keep an accurate account of what you spent anyways. We spent over $ 100,000 on private schools when our local school system was one of the best in the country

Our school system was failing our oldest. He was against the public system before I was. Then I got into the classroom and saw what he was talking about. I validated it. I found the least expensive yet still met the needs of daughters. Believe me, this was not just my decision, and there were no arguments back then.

Also , decisions were made by you that you thought " would make me happy ". I was never unhappy nor did I ever expect you to make me happy. Happiness comes from inside ourselves. I've known that since before we ever met.

Agreeing to put the kids in private schools is an example of a decision I made to "make you happy"


I even offered to drive a bus when you lost your job from XXX. I have wanted to help, but there was much that you hid from me from fear of " me not being able to handle it or stressing out."


It makes no difference now, for you have made decisions and now you want to do the same without input from me. I was trying to show that I can be creative, and possibly help. I feel as though anytime I try to help , I get shut down. I do have ideas yet it is as if you don't want to hear them or even give them a try.

The fact is, I think I need to hit the big reset button and start over. Even with the expense of a divorce ( which shouldn't be alot because we don't have anything to fight over.) I need access to my income in order to get my debt and taxes under control. I can't do that with me only getting 20 to 25% of my pay. Hearing you say you want to hang on to the house is a problem. I get that its a familiar environment and change is scary, but it does not make financial sense to go broke holding on to it. You have friends in the real estate business. I want you to have xxx make a market sales analysis. How much does she think it will sell for ? A sale at $ 550,000 is break even with selling expenses. How long does she think it will take for that to be a reasonable expectation ? If you are uncomfortable asking xxxxx, I will. Or I will ask a different realtor to do it.


I accept that you believe that there is only one way out. I think it is myopic and defeatist. There are far more expenses with two households and two people working separately. This is a choice you made, and I do not agree with it. I accept it, but do not support it.

The choice I am making is that for the first time in 30 years, I am going to be selfish and do what makes me feel better. I don't say this to be argumentative, but I've said it many times. I felt like a 2nd class citizen in my own house. And in some cases you made it clear that you felt my wants were secondary to yours. Hell, when you lost the control to the bed inflater, you had the balls to tell me that I should switch sides with you because it was more important to you.

I addressed the second class issue, and immediately made efforts to rectify, it was also during pre bomb drop. I even discussed this with daughter no. 2! The bed control thing...I didn't lose it ...we did. I may have asked to do this, I cannot remember. It could have been a selfish moment, I don't claim to have been perfect and I accept that I did look to meet my own needs at times.



I see other options, and I am willing to fight and work my ass off. I am not a quitter, nor am I afraid to delve into what needs to be done.



I believe there is still much you have "shielded me from or hidden " Now is the time for complete honesty. EVERYTHING, finances, sex, things you think I'll judge you on.

I shielded you from our Tax and financial problems because you were completely not helpful about them. You could have gotten involved at any time. I offered to sit with you and go through everything so that you could take notes and ask questions, but NO.... you wanted me to do all the work for you... put together a "file" that you would never look at. The one time you did sit with me.. 10 minutes in you said it was putting you to sleep and couldn't go on. I bought you a budgeting book because I honestly don't think you can live on a budget. no matter how big it is. I've beaten the sex topic to death. I spent YEARS being sexually rejected by you.

He didn't understand I was speaking in the recent past and present. I WAS overwhelmed by the finances, and didn't understand what he really wanted, doing it at night was a good time for me. He is the night person, I was the day person. Not a good situation.


I never said I was perfect. And I don't think I am expecting you to have been perfect either. I do think that there are many things about "us" that bother me even now. I don't like the relationship you have with daughter no. two. And while she has responsibility also, I hold you mostly responsible for that.

I think it could very easily disolve into the same relationship you have with your mother......

This was a dig, about my relationship with my mother. As for my relationship with my oldest daughter, yes it is VERY volatile and strained. I was the bad cop for many a year. I had to be the one to address issues, and strategize, research, work on things. She was exhausting, and sucked the life out of me. By the teenage years, I stepped down and said it was his turn. I put my heart and soul into my baby girl. Loved her with all abandon and he seems to forget , and chooses to place blame.

She is a brilliant kid, and she started to manipulate. He was sucked right into it. I can even remember her saying things like ...I'm going to tell Daddy. OH the challenges, and yet he did start to see her for who she was. She wasn't bad, but she needed a firm hand and constant attention. Now he has conveniently forgotten , and I'm the bad guy.

It bothers me that I had to leave before you took responsibilty for your weight. I mean I think its great that you've lost 40+ llbs but everything you are doing now to lose.... you could have done before.

Just know I have ALWAYS accepted you for you. I have ALWAYS respected you and shared with you. I have grown tremendously these past months, and I'm continuing to grow.

I think it's great that you have grown these past months. I think I have also. What I have come to realize is that I can not avoid the fact that I have been unhappy for years. I'm too young to let that path continue. .

If you don't want to repeat the same mistakes made, the same relational errors, NOW is the time to share, learn, and grow. For if you can't for WHATEVER reason, you will be doomed to be like your dad, my dad. Stuck in a state of unhappiness, discontent, and ignorance as to why.

It's why I have spoken to a therapist.

I care for you, and our marriage. I care about our children, I hate the thought of rash decisions today impacting us and our kids for the rest of our lives. Feelings change, they are flighty, but real learning comes from pain, and perseverance.

My decisions are far from "rash". Regardless of a future divorce. You have a task to learn to be responsible for your financial life. And I don't want to be your tutor. I was in that position for too many years. And you didn't want to do what I suggested. You need to manage your own financial world... without me as an emergency fund. I've said it before....when you have more bills than money to pay them with..... you get to make decisions about what's important.

I figure at this point I have nothing to lose. Either way the house is gone, our life as we knew it is gone. It is how we handle this, and if we grow through fighting for us and conquering our issues, or running from them and allowing them to conquer us.

I made my choice, I'm a fighter. I believe in us, I don't think we're through. I think you need help and you are afraid to let me help, and afraid that I'll not accept you for you. I think you don't believe I'll accept the choices you've made, that I'll hate you because you spent money on another woman, and that you have screwed around. I don't , because I know you have done these things and it still hasn't made you happy.

The fact is that I left because you are exactly right. I wasn't happy at home with you and I wasn't happy with the whole double life, Out with the boys, playing cards or golf etc. In general I didn't spend money on women, Hell, I didn't spend much money on anything. Maybe, Golf and clothes and restaurants.

I was in the present, he was in the past.



You are still seeking , trying to figure out who you are, and who you want to become. I didn't marry you for your money, car, status, or job. I wanted you. I didn't need you, I chose you. There is so much more but this is long enough. When you can face me, and sit down like a man I'm ready to fight. I'm ready to listen. I'm ready to work. You have to accept and love yourself. You are not who your parent's perceived you to be, nor your Aunts. You are you, you are human, a man. That was not only good enough for me, but who I thought was pretty awesome. Yeah, you aren't perfect, neither am I.

Marriage is a partnership. And ultimately I feel like I carried more than my fairshare. I provided a pretty good life for you ..and the kids while they were growing up. You say, you're ready to work. You need to find away to make at least 3,000 per month ASAP !



It seems like I shouldn't engage, for he is back to being really angry. I'm not at ease with this, but this time around I don't feel the compulsion to set the record straight nor validate like I did the first time he spewed back in May and June.



[job]

Ambivalent,
I'm going to be very honest w/you...stop trying to rationalize w/him. His perception of his life is his own, just as your perception of your life in the marriage is yours. You know what is real and what isn't. Right now, it's Memorex time w/him and no matter what you say or do, it's not going to change his mind. Own your 50% of the marriage and let it go. Don't take on his 50%. Right now, he's looking to blame you for the sun coming up. You know what you did or didn't do in the marriage, accept your faults and move on. You are not going to convince him otherwise.

It's time to start focusing on you and what you need to do to survive. You can't rely on him because in his mind, the marriage is dead, over, kaput. In his mind, he's already moved on and you, the family and the marriage are an anchor weighing him down. He wants to cut the cord completely and the only way that he sees to do that is by divorcing you and leaving everything behind and starting fresh.

Again, the more you argue w/him, the more determined he's going to be that he's right and he did the right thing in moving out and getting on w/his life. His focus is on his freedom and being single and enjoying life without the responsibilities of a wife, family, home and bills. He doesn't realize at this time, that responsibility and bills will follow him wherever he goes and until he faces his demons, accepts that whatever happened long ago wasn't his fault, and accepts himself as he is today...he'll continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. It's all on him to do this.

My advice, only deal w/him on expenses and legal issues. No more talks about the relationship. The more you talk about the relationship, the nastier he is going to get and believe me, you will see the exact opposite person come out and it's not pretty. They can get really nasty and say some extremely hurtful things that will bring your PMA right down into the dark hole.

Keep the focus on you. You know what your relationship was like and you know what you did or didn't do the relationship. There's not need to defend yourself now because you've had these discussions before...let it go. I know it's hurtful and you want to point things out to him...but it's not going to do any good but fuel your fire and make you angry and anxious. Take that anger and use it wisely in exercise and dance. Get it out of your system in other ways.

[Ambivalent]

I'm going to be very honest w/you...stop trying to rationalize w/him.

I did not respond to his comments. I was just narrating my perception for the board.


Right now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I have the choice to have the support filed and to do that I have to choke up a retainer. I still have to pay 400. to the last attorney, and then it would be more to continue.

Both have told me NOT to jump into a job...it would hurt the support and trap me. I could suggest he go ahead and start with the house .

For even if it goes into foreclosure, it will by me some finding a place time and release him of the 3,000. a month. If I do this, I cannot take in kids or a boarder.

[JuneReN]

You could have written my story.

I see how my husband feels and it breaks my heart.

I know it takes two, but in you I see so much of me it is scary, because I absolutely know that was me with the bed inflator, with the 'no sex', with the expectation.

A couple of your points I thought "Wow...what a ..." and then I realized it was me.

Thank you. You can't begin to understand the clarity you've brought to my life today by sharing this, and I know that wasn't the point.

I have grown a lot this past year, as I am sure you are doing as well.

To be reminded of my behaviour pre BD was a gift.

Thank you once again (((Ambi)))

[job]

Ambivalent,
I would strongly urge you to think about filing for support. You need that money in order to live and pay your expenses. If you don't, he could opt to not provide you w/any money, especially if he thinks you aren't serious about looking for a permanent, full time position.

Yes, seeking the advice of lawyers, filing, etc. will eat up some money, but you've got to protect yourself. I'm sure the lawyer can work out a payment plan if it is necessary, but you can't rely on him to continue to pay things for you. When they are like this, you can't put any faith in what they say they will do because I've seen entirely too many posters end up w/the short end of the stick when it comes to support, etc., w/o going to court and having something put in place.

Well, at some point, you'll need to find a position so that you can be self supporting. If you locate a great position and it pays well, I would seriously think about it...but don't take part time positions that don't pay diddly. There may come a time when in the separation papers/divorce decree that he could stipulate that he could pay you support until you finish your courses, pass the exam and get a job. Once you are in a position, the support would cease. It all depends upon the VA laws, etc. Well, the way I see it right now...you are in a trap because of finances, no income, etc. I don't want to see you remain in this trap for a long period of time because it will affect your health w/the worry and anxiety.

I would think the house should be one of the first items to look at it since it sounds like the mortgage is rather high and he's been delinquent or some of the payments and he wants it gone. There is no way that you can afford it on your support money at this time. With the house up in the air, there's no way you can take in boarders or children because it is too uncertain.

Another issue to consider is downsizing. You may not be able to move everything into a new place. You will most likely be left w/the responsibility of determining what goes w/you and what is sold or auctioned off. Unfortunately, he may not have any desire to come there and get things that he wants...it all depends on where his head is at if you mention this to him.

Again, it looks like you are going to have to be the one to drive your bus and make some very serious decisions in the days ahead. It's evident that he's made up his mind about the house already and I do think he's going to start reducing the money you are getting a month if he thinks you are stalling. You definitely need to get a document in place that states what he is to pay you each month and have it go directly to your account so that you aren't having to deal w/him.

I am very, very sorry that this is happening to you. It's not easy and you can't give up and give in. You have to stand talk, head straight ahead and keep your focus on the business at hand. Emotions can't enter into the negotiations or they won't go well for you.

[JuneReN]

I absolutely agree. Then support can go to supporting you. I know that seems like a 'no duh' statement, but if the mortgage is in his name he can deal with it, you can downsize and work on finishing up school to graduate and be employable full time.

The switch has to be what is now best for you.

You can do this.

[Ambivalent]

This is what I have drafted:

So, I cannot get an immediate job of 36,000. dollars a year.


I can take in kids and get a boarder, which I've already placed ads.
At minimum, 500.00 a week, which is maximum five children x 100. gets 2,000. per month.


Plus one boarder at 500.00 a month, that is 2,500.

If the house is placed on the market, I cannot get a boarder or children.

Can bankruptcy be filed? What options would that give?

After, Jan. when the school is paid the December payment, and only then will they let me graduate. I can take my boards. The exams for the state are a bit over a hundred dollars each.


I can then apply for a job in the field. Without my Masters or laser training the salary will be lower. The laser course is much less than months of the Masters program.

Another option is your choice. I do not recommend it, but it is up to you. You could default and do what you said earlier with an attorney. You said the attorney could buy time and allow for a banking of the mortgage payment.

I'm not sure how long that would be, do YOU? The legal consultant told me it could be up to two years.


I have been looking on Craigslist for Townhomes or single family homes. The dogs , no carpeting , and no credit are a real concern in my displacement.


I am not comfortable with the house on the market, for again the dogs are a factor, the possibility of them getting loose or one of them biting a stranger/child could be problematic or a legal issue if I'm not home .

The sheds and the attic need to be emptied, and it would have to be done as a team. Do you think you would do this as a team?

Because this is what you want, insert something here,

I believe we need to do this together. I am not physically in the condition or age to move all this on my own. Strangers can do the big move, I believe the cleaning out of things and decision making needs to be done by us.


Another option is to set me up in a townhome or house, move me into it, and then the utilities and mortgage can be stopped here. The house could be placed on the market with whatever I'm not bringing with me, the dogs or keeping the place in show condition would not be an issue.

That would cut the mortgage, and the utilities out here Perhaps gas may go down as well if I leave this area.



There is an issue of the age and condition of the SUV. It could stop at any moment and the ability for me to secure a vehicle without credit, or income history is problematic. Getting rid of it isn't the best idea either, for all of us could use it to move things that a car cannot and it is payment free. If you xxx ,xxx , or I need something in an emergency, we have back up. Just another thought and something we had discussed earlier.

I have been looking for something near our daughters for one wants me closer and the other will too.


The dogs need an area to go out, and fencing is a must. Three bedrooms minimum and a den will be needed. Hopefully I could pick up some side work with the equipment from the spa. This is why I really should have three bedrooms.

Moving from this area eliminates my customer base that I was building at xxx.

These are some options, perhaps you would care to brainstorm again, based on the new input and thoughts?