H spent Christmas Day and then Boxing Day with us and extended family. It went really well under the circumstances. I dressed up a bit both days and H did a poor job of trying disguise that he liked what he saw and I caught him sneaking glances throughout the days which made me feel a bit hopeful. A close family member said that had she not known otherwise she wouldn't have guessed anything was wrong - except there was no touching, kissing etc like we used to. H also appeared slightly less sad than of late.
The next night he came in briefly to collect the children but sought me out for a quick conversation and he seemed really upbeat. I was busy doing something else and was polite but carried on doing what I was doing. After I wondered if I should have tried to engage more?
Then yesterday I had a DIY problem which I texted him about and he was here within a few hours with the part and fixed it. (I did text my mum that it got fixed quicker than it would have done when he lived here, which was naughty of me I know). After I thanked him and he stayed for a coffee and we talked about general stuff, what he was up to but I was struck by how little eye contact he made, took this as a bad sign and then cried for a while after he'd gone.
I guess I'd been hoping for day-on-day improvement in terms of feeling at ease and was disappointed. I just can't seem to get my expectations right down. But it is better than it was just six weeks ago, or even two weeks ago. I don't know what else I can do to try to improve this and worry that it could get worse over time rather than better.
Lately I feel I have begun to heal slightly. His A no longer wounds me like it did. Nowhere near like it did actually. I hope I am forgiving both him and myself. The blame I felt generally is just not there now. I am past caring who was right and who was wrong, it doesn't matter anymore.
Thanks for reading - this place is helpful beyond words.
