How does having no expectations make sense when your BF is still in your life and saying I love you, seeing each other, etc. He I am not sure why its ok for him to have me strung along, but completely off of his priority list.
I know I have stated my story already but an update is that BF is really busy. He has work with his ambulance company, work as a reserve firefighter, and is about to start school. He has ZERO time for me and that is what got us here in the first place. I know he loves me. When I forced him out of our place it was because I felt completely neglected by him. He didn't want to move or break anything off, but he put forth little to no effort to save things. Now, I am DBing and he is still in my life, but not putting forth any effort still. Why am I surprised when I don't hear from him? Why am I happy when I do? Will he ever make our relationship his priority? How come I was so sure that I was unhappy with his neglect, and sure I wanted to move on and now I am not even sure of anything!? How do I remain supportive of his career, do my own thing, and stay positive that we will be together again? It seems like the more space I give him, the happier he is. If I don't call/text, he misses me. But missing me and wanting me in his daily life are two different things. I feel like a fool waiting. Is it my ego?
Just getting some stuff out of my head.
Standing by my man, but trying to GAL and not wait by the phone or read into his lack of actions.
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
No contact with BF since Christmas. I haven't initiated and neither has he. I have been commuting to work since Tuesday. I drive 80 miles each way and have been since my kids are out of school for Xmas break. They get 3 weeks off! Why, I have no idea!
Looked at an apartment today. I can't help but look with sadness as I thought I might be looking with BF, but I am no where near ready to bring that subject up. It will be SO nice to get a place close by, away rom my mother, and have my kids with me. I am actually looking forward to it, regardless of BF. In fact, if I had to consider him, I wouldn't get to choose a place on my own and decorate it how I want!
I worked a wedding tonight and I admit it made me sad. I look around and cannot help but feel bad, like why does this person or that person have someone who is not afraid to commit to them, who can communicate, and who wants to marry them!? I know, it is not good to feel sorry for myself for being alone and having a relationship that's on the rocks, but being at this wedding made me cry
My mind is flip flopping from thinking "hey, he is lucky to have me...and there are plenty of guys out there who would love to be with me" to "I will never find someone I love more" to "things are fine, we're just going through a rough patch."
Why is it so hard to stay positive? I'm trying!
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
It's true, the weird changing of minds 100 times per minute is aggrivating. I hate watch old people hold hands. I used to think it was some kind of cute thing, people who worked to make their marriage last, now I think it's some old jerks gloating.
I hope you get some results for your hard work soon.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
No contact with BF since Christmas. I haven't initiated and neither has he. I have been commuting to work since Tuesday. I drive 80 miles each way and have been since my kids are out of school for Xmas break. They get 3 weeks off! Why, I have no idea!
Looked at an apartment today. I can't help but look with sadness as I thought I might be looking with BF, but I am no where near ready to bring that subject up. It will be SO nice to get a place close by, away rom my mother, and have my kids with me. I am actually looking forward to it, regardless of BF. In fact, if I had to consider him, I wouldn't get to choose a place on my own and decorate it how I want!
I worked a wedding tonight and I admit it made me sad. I look around and cannot help but feel bad, like why does this person or that person have someone who is not afraid to commit to them, who can communicate, and who wants to marry them!? I know, it is not good to feel sorry for myself for being alone and having a relationship that's on the rocks, but being at this wedding made me cry
My mind is flip flopping from thinking "hey, he is lucky to have me...and there are plenty of guys out there who would love to be with me" to "I will never find someone I love more" to "things are fine, we're just going through a rough patch."
Why is it so hard to stay positive? I'm trying!
It is hard, but sometimes we surprise ourselves with how positive we can actually be. You gotta just keep being positive and it gets easier.
It's about changing your focus. Don't like the sight of something? Look the other way. Don't like the thought of something? Think of something else. You constantly gotta be on guard. It's like our minds like to torture us with negative thoughts. Feel those negative emotions but don't dwell. Change your focus to something positive or constructive. Practice makes perfect!
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
Well, BF finally texted and going dark was the key for me. I was upset having not heard from him after X-mas, but on the 4th day he texted, saing he hoped I was ok, he hadn't heard from me and was worried! WHAT!? I didn't respond. It was late when he texted so I waited till morning and he texted again before I did, asking if everything was OK. I said I was good, just really busy...kept it kinds cryptic, but then he said he missed me and wanted to see me. So we made some plans and saw each other that night. It was late when we got off work so we just hung out a little bit and snuggled. I was so calm when I saw him...I was ME. It made me realize how NOT me I have been every other time I have seen him. Nervous, shaking inside and trying to seem calm on the outside. All of that was gone. Perhaps it was his reaching out...or perhaps a miraculous change in my perspective is to blame. I just give up all control on our outcome. I finally reached that point. And you know, he is responding well. I am moving forward and hope to have minimal back sliding from here on out. HE seemed different too...more like the old BF that I know and love. Maybe we are both coming out of the fog. All I know is that I haven't felt this great and normal in months. I haven't cried in over 5 days. WOW!!! That's a record. Finally this DBing stuff has sunken in! The thing is, you can't make yourself get to this point, you have to let it happen on its own.
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
I have been feeling wonderful! I am not sure, but I think I am past the worst of this situation. I suppose as much as DBing has helped my situation, it IS different not being married. BF and I don't have legal or kid issues looming around our situation. I thought this was a curse in the beginning, because there were no ties that bind. Truth is, we are only in contact every couple of days and limited texts due to our mutual business. I have been commuting to work, taking care of my kids, etc. I have layed really low and not initiated much contact with BF. He texts me when lay low. We are definitely at a limbo stage with really hectic schedules. Somehow we manage to stay connected, no matter how brief. For now I am ok with it. I don't know if we will continue to grow apart, but I am not worrying about it. It feels so amazing to say that. I have to move forward and that is what I am doing. I know we are all in different situations, but I continue to pray for the restoration of my R to better than it was before...and at the same time I am completely giving it over to God to figure it out! It has not been the easy road and I have resisted so much.. I honestly do not know what turned the switch in my mind from desperation to nearly healed (I still have moments of weakness, but not hopelessness like before!) but I know that I prayed for the healing of my pain and like MAGIC, thenext day I felt better. It was a process, but I can say that the difference in prayers were that before I prayed for the FIXING of my R. And I finally got tot he point where I prayed for the healing of my pain...no matter the outcome. Guess I figured it out the hard way. I am now hopeful, confident and sure...all attractive qualities! My BF may be slow to pick up on my new attitude, but it doesn't matter. He didn't see me wallowing in my own self pity, and he doesn't see me feeling better. The point is, it doesn't matter what he sees, because I am living for what I see, feel, do, etc. There is such a big difference in acting as if, and BEING OK with this roller coaster.
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
Needing, those last 2 posts are really great, your attitude is exactly what it needs to be Not sure how long you've felt like this, but if it's been just a week or two then you may still cycle but if you cycle it's OK, just work on getting yourself back to this same place, because it's your place of power, where YOU are in control
I stopped in to check on you too...just posted on your thread! Things with me are going well! I am signing the lease on my new place Friday! I am so excited! No more 1 1/2 hour commutes for me. I haven't seen my BF since before New Years...and I can honestly say that I am shocked to see it has been weeks. I haven't even been paying much attention. I think it is weird that BF and I have this texting relationship...but as DBing goes, I have released the old R and having no expectations in this new territory we are exploring. I started school again...a new term that is, am working a lot and in different positions in my new job which is cool. I have my kids and am moving soon...so I honestly haven't had time for much. In the past, BF has contacted me when I go a little dark, and over these last couple of weeks, I have changed immensely and gone dark without tying. We have had minimal contact and went nearly a week without contact. This is the longest we have gone without contact in awhile so I was thinking that he was over it! Then after 6 days he texts me and says "Hi Beautiful, I miss your face". I didn't respond...not intentionally, but I just didn't and a few hours later he texts again..."a lot". I responded and he said he wanted to see me which I declined. Then he asked to plan something for this week. I told him I would let him know when I am back in town...which is today. I texted him today to tell him I would be here tonight if he was free. He said he was working and then planned out the day for us to hang out together tomorrow. This is all important to note because this is the first time he has planned out anything for us since we spilt up that wasn't totally orchestrated by me. I usually put out the effort and he goes along with it. My attitude has just really been if it works out to see each other great. If not, no biggie. And that is how I truly feel. I think what has happened is that I got through a difficult grieving process for our old R...and not I am content and proud of myself for doing all that I could do to preserve what we have and not make it any worse. So, we will see how tomorrow goes. BF doesn't know I am moving back..it will be interesting to see how he reacts and whether he will see that as a step in my moving forward with my life. I know I won't know if he does necessarily, but it doesn't matter. I was so worried about moving back in together for the longest time...now I have a place for my girls and I and if he wants to be back in my home, he will let me know eventually! If not, I am happy and proud to be back on track in life! Wow, I can really go on and on...sorry!
I will post post-date tomorrow!
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
Not sure how long you've felt like this, but if it's been just a week or two then you may still cycle but if you cycle it's OK, just work on getting yourself back to this same place, because it's your place of power, where YOU are in control