You're right, I should just sit back and enjoy the positives. There seems to be some kind of reconnection taking place and I suppose if it is for business at this point, I can work on having things build from there. I guess it's a step in the right direction.
And, you are also correct ... he couldn't keep "putting on" for very long.
His texts are starting to get a little "suggestive," if you know what I mean, in a playful way. Kind of nice!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Another good week! H has kept in touch, usually twice, each day. Big difference from a few weeks ago when there was almost no contact.
He's made an effort to tell me what he's doing each evening - with "guy" friends or business acquaintances or just staying at the apartment. Obviously I can't know what he is really doing, but that seems to be a step up from not telling me about any of his social life over there. I just tell him I hope he enjoys his evening (while I sincerely hope I'm not wishing him a good time with OW).
H said today that he is worn out and tired. He said he is looking forward to coming home for some rest!
Hearing him say he's looking forward to coming home and mentioning something positive here that he doesn't get over there is good to hear.
Unlike his last trip home, I am actually looking forward to his visit. I feel pretty strong right now. I am interested to find out if he has actually started working on the division of the business or any of the other things necessary for D. I'm prepared for whatever he throws my way.
One interesting note - a few months ago, when he was first involved with OW, he desperately wanted to learn the language. He hired a tutor, but they had a falling out after only a few lessons. He has said repeatedly over the past couple of months that he would find a new tutor. He still hasn't looked for one. I find that a little encouraging - that he is not quite as eager to continue the integration into that society.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2t, I am excited for you on these great, positive things! You are db'ing so well. I love his slights towards not reeeeallly being happy. Very curious.
My H has been doing similar things too. He explained to me where he was going on a Saturday, it was for work and showed me his assignments. Then he thanked me for something I brought him saying it was very thoughtful and gave me a big hug. I did it only because I wanted to, not because I was expecting anything from him so it was a nice hallmark moment.
My H has also stopped going out on weekends or nights for the past two weeks. It will be interesting to see what he does for Christmas day...
Hmmmm...I'll be following your story since this is so terrific for you right now. And yes, you do sound very strong!
Go 2t!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
H was here for a few days and everything went well ... calm, no issues. He only initiated R talks once. He said to forget all the stuff he said when he was here last time about not wanting to be married, not wanting to be a husband and wanting a D. He said he really looked forward to texting with me while I had morning coffee and he watched the clock to get the timing right. He said on one day he was "giddy" about chatting with me. He said he had not expected that and asked me to give him some time to sort things out before we moved forward on any further separation.
He said nada about OW and I didn't ask. I don't know if she is still in the picture or not. And he is continuing with his plans for the business over there - which means he will be there a lot.
He asked if there was anything in particular I wanted for Christmas and I showed him some earrings online that I liked. He went to a local store to get them and said I wouldn't have liked them - that the picture was better than the real thing. He said the pair he bought were more expensive, but he knew I would like them much better. I was thrilled with them and his willingness to be a good Santa to me.
I have a huge credit with an airline because we cancelled a trip to Europe around BD. I told him I was planning to use it in April and asked if he thought I would be ok in my destination by myself (happens to be where we got engaged - familiar and compact - I can walk anywhere I want to go). He said he thought I would be fine there. Then he suggested that if I didn't mind, he could join me. I said of course he could if he wanted to. We'll see what happens from there.
I am still wary of these positives because I know he needs me here to help with the business. I don't want him to think he can continue to live the bachelor life over there with a GF and I will tolerate that over here. I will focus on the positives, but I need to hear that she is no longer in the picture! He knows that and I can't help but think that if that were the case he would announce it.
Our anniversary in Jan 6. Wonder if he will remember?
I spent Christmas with my sister and Mom. My daughter and her family drove over and I had a chance to visit with the grandkids. Not a bad Christmas considering the circumstances.
Hope everyone had a great holiday. I'm looking forward to a new year and will be wishing the best to everyone here!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
A pretty good week in all I suppose. H has continued to text first thing in the morning and calls me at the office a few hours later. So he is continuing with the communication. I am trying so hard not to initiate too much ... trying to remain the distancer and let him pursue. It's tough sometimes. The lines of communication are open, but I don't always know how far to distance??
One interesting thing that came up was he went back before Christmas to facilitate a big move of the operation that was supposed to take place on the 26th. The move is again delayed (first time was late November). His texts were as follows:
H: This really [censored]. Could have been there after all. You cannot imagine how angry I was.
H: It's ok from business perspective. But personal, no.
H: And that's what bugged me. If I try even once to balance personal and business ... then something suffers. God I really try but this one hit me like a baseball bat to the head.
Me: I know you try. Sorry.
I didn't know what else to say and I really don't know how to interpret all that. I am not sure what he means. Maybe I need to start following my C's advice and ask him to explain!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
H left 2 days before Christmas, won't be here for New Year's and won't be here for our anniversary on the 6th.
He told me today about traveling to another city in India to celebrate New Year's with his buddy and friends. A three day affair. While I am sitting here alone. I am so down ... I just can't get out of my head that I'm here alone and he is partying.
He also called today and said he might not be able to text or call tomorrow (Sunday - when he is off) because he will very busy.
I am beginning to think that he thinks he has "stopped the runaway train" here and can continue with his antics over there.
I want so much to break character and tell him he is being an inconsiderate jerk. I don't think I can keep this up.
I feel like I am being made a fool so he can pursue his "dream" of building that business over there while he just plays me along to keep me pacified.
Someone, please talk me down. I am in a very bad place right now and want to tell him to [censored] off.
Help!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Breathe. I know it's disappointing, but head back a few weeks in your head. Remember when the expectations were nil? Don't let his choices here pull you back down. You are doing great! New Years has to be like the MLC Nat'l Holiday. It means nothing. It's just another symptom of the crisis..
Boy, did I need to hear this myself tonight! Thank you.
I've got to let him have his journey and keep my focus on mine.
Lots of love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It's difficult to be inside your own head, isn't it? Distance is difficult and when things aren't well, it's even harder.
You're right to want to be talked off the ledge though. You don't know he's being inconsiderate. In fact, him telling you is more considerate than I would have expected. He's hoping that by telling you he can be trusted. I know it may not work that way, but..
As for the feelings. You may be being played. You may not. You can't tell at this point. So... you have a choice. You can believe either way at this point. You can believe you are and be pi**ed, or you can believe not with the idea that you can deal with it later if you are. That's just pride anyway. If you decide you are being played, you won't get the chance to see otherwise though.
As for him partying while you are at home waiting by the phone...why? Why don't you go out with some friends and have a blast? Ring in the new year with friends and family? What's stopping you?
Not sure I talked you down or loaded the gun, but hope it helps either way.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
