Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

Well, I think that part of the reason (from what I have been reading) is because when wives leave they have been planning their exit for quite some time (years even). By the time women say it is over, it has been over for far longer than their spouse realized. Whereas men seem to be a bit more impulsive about it. But IDK.

I am feeling very optimistic. Probably to the point where I am making some DB mistakes because I am feeling confident, but so far what I have been doing seems to be well received. Of course, I never know what is going on in his head because he doesn't talk about it at all. That is frustrating.

One thing I know I have going for me is that he is in no rush to leave. The problems that led to my reactions that led to his desire to leave still exist. But I am putting that aside for right now and waiting until I know he is committed. And during this time I am learning new ways to connect with him that will hopefully help us avoid the pitfalls that made me feel needy, and pushed him further away.

My DB goals have always included feeling more connected to him by spending at least 20 minutes a day doing something together. Anything--it could be as simple as washing dishes. But something that allows us to be present with each other. Preparing for Christmas Eve and Santa was one of those things. Two weeks before BD we had a moment while washing dishes--that was when I thought things were better between us. He even came up to bed afterwards. Then, a few weeks later when I was sick and he was stressed, and I guess there was just a lot of misery all around, I started begging for some TLC and he dropped the bomb so who knows. I keep reminding myself that just because things feel better doesn't mean they are. But I still have 6 months before I will know if he really still plans to go ahead with a separation or not--unless he decides to open up to me before that time.

The thing is, looking back I wonder if his comment about not loving me and not wanting to be married to me anymore was due to my anxiety about money and things breaking that I was stressing out about for a couple of months. His resistance to all of my ideas to try and solve those problems.

My fear/his shame.

It makes so much sense. I seek him out for comfort, but he rejects me due to shame. Which makes me more anxious and needy and clingy. Which pushes him further away. Until I tell him that he is right, our marriage isn't working and if he wants a D I won't fight him. This breaks the cycle but adds more failure/shame to his already deteriorating ego. "Sorry I failed you" he says, followed by his tearful retreat--and a bit of a bender that lasted a few weeks. It makes so much sense. That first month was a series of him acting like a neanderthal. Or a teenager (is there a difference).

But now things feel like they are settling. I offered an olive branch after Thanksgiving with no expectations and he took it. And things have been peaceful. I am hopeful. Maybe too hopeful, but that is OK for now. As long as I don't bring up R talk I don't think I will have to experience that hurt again until June--when he makes his final decision. I can wait 6 months. In the meantime I will make myself the best me I can be. I will keep myself busy, positive, productive and joyful. I won't apologize for things beyond my control. I will be innocently flirtatious for as long as he seems to respond positively to it. And I will not think beyond the present.