Moving In

[adinva]

Well I skipped the holiday sing a long to give more time to this meeting with H's friend. I'm glad I cleared the air. We talked about the Redskins and work and family and stuff, but I also told him the reason I had invited him out was to let him know I appreciated his friendship with H and had no hard feelings. I let him know why I thought it had been important to keep my distance while H was staying with him. It was a good conversation I think, he seemed moved. He said he was sorry for me but I asked him not to be sorry for me, I'm good.

[adinva]

Christmas letters, gotta love em.

I got one via email from my mil, ostensibly to her brother in california but cc'd to me and every other of H's siblings aunts uncles nephews and so on. She told us all how proud she is of selected of her children and grandchildren (mine not mentioned) and how her other DIL is having knee surgery but must lose weight first. I got credit for mentioning that nephews wedding was nice. Wrapping it all up, her son H is still recovering from the misery of the govt shutdown (which horrors required him to use some paid vacation; she didnt mention that) and he is living in xxtown.

Smile, ignore.

[adinva]

I am sooo tired. We had lovely church service Christmas eve, me and the boys, and it made me so happy to be there experiencing the joy of christmas with them. Then they got to open their present from me and went off to play their new games. My sister stayed over. I wrapped and baked till midnight.

Christmas morning i made quiche and coffee with my sister and we chitchatted while waiting for the boys to wake up. They opened their little santa presents.

Then we got word that my brother was stranded in Baltimore so all the time i thought i had to get the house ready for my party went into driving to baltimore to get him. Uh oh, 12:00 at my parents' turned into 3:00 at my parents'. I had my party at 4. We enjoyed a ham dinner and started slow orderly gift exchange. I was getting concerned about my guests. It all worked out. H and his mom were there at 4, i got there to vacuum at 4:30 (which was important to me to help my more allergy prone guests) and the next guest arrived about 4:45. The last one left at 8:45. I was so glad my cousins (really h's cousins) came.

When it was just h's immediate family i showed the video of nephews wedding. H said it was stupid that they did the breaking the wine glass thing. I ignored him. We really barely spoke to each other, not malicious seeming, just like if youre at a work party and there's someone you hardly know and arent interested in talking to. Friendly and distant. The cousins asked how i was, really, and i told them i am good. A lot going on but good. One gave me a book on Finding Joy. They are really caring authentic people.

I was glad to see everyone from my family and his on christmas but i dont know if i will feel like hosting h next year. It's a little hard to need to focus on positives to cope...i could make things easier on myself by not trying to be so over the top gracious to him. I'd like a rest, i'm tired.

Next up, h's sister put out a call for january 4 at her house. No one wrote back right away so she followed up that her daughter would be home from college and her son was moving to ohio soon so everyone should really try to be there. So h emailed "i will be there". I dont want to be stinky about it but i think he should take his kids there and give me a break. I need to tell him that i expect him to take a more active role, but not today, later. I would like to be getting a massage that day. It is hard to smile and be around all of them and act like its perfectly normal to be with them, once a holiday i can do but twice seems a bit much. I might feel more like going after i've rested up.

I would like it if h would have checked with me to see if he could take the kids there or if id be bringing them, before he rsvp'd like a single guy.

[adinva]

I overdid it. I caught myself not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to go for a walk (too cold) or the gym (too busy), and gobbling up meatballs and cookies and friendship bread. I really hate it that I'm sabotaging my diet when I'm so close to goal, and I know I do it, and I struggle with why and how to stop it. Today I know why, I knew I needed something, and needed to figure out what that was.

I already was overwhelmed and feeling like I had put too much on my plate to be nice to H's family, for the good of my kids, to host Christmas for them...

And then to agree to go to XSIL's mother's burial service and reception and bring the kids, even though H wasn't planning on going, and to be one of the few making the extra effort to get over to the cemetery.... It was just over the top, and for some people who really aren't there for me.

And then I decided to make it easier on me by skipping the cemetery (freezing outside, kids don't have coats that fit, they're already grumbling about waking up early) so we're skipping that part and going to the reception. Because XSIL really wants us there.

Then, H texts me, ru going when is it and where. I replied and he suggested we carpool, which made sense to me so I'm picking him up.

It's just too much and I should start taking care of me right now. I was thinking about what I'm going to say when he gets in my car and gets started criticizing my driving. I should have said no, drive yourself. I could have said no, we're not going. I'm saying yes to too much when I catch myself eating meatballs I don't even want to be eating.

So I'll control the damage, stop it at this point, get some exercise and better sleep tonight, and take better care of myself.

I'm so used, after 20 years, to taking care of everyone and being fine with it, and having no needs. I really do have needs and that's ok, and I need to get used to taking care of them. The world isn't going to do it.

So I also called a friend, who knew I wasn't just calling to meet at the gym later, and she was really there for me and let me cry a little and blow off steam.

I like all that I do and I want to be doing it, and then I'm stressed out. So the first thing I'm going to cut back on is social occasions of relatives of H who aren't even very interested in me. And starting with chauffering H because he's cheap and thinks it's ok to ask his STBX who he's divorcing for a ride to save him gas $.

[BeginningAgain]

It's good that you recognize what you are doing and that you are going to put a plan of action in place. Old habits are hard to break, but you have to do what is best for you! If these people do not have your interests at heart then there is no reason why you should feel obligated to attend their functions.

As for backsliding on the gym thing - while it's not excuse, this is the hardest time of year to stay motivated and committed to a diet and exercise regimen. I always struggle with it, and I am once again this year. I just keep thinking, New Year hurry up and get here so that I can get back on track! :-)

BA

[labug]

Yes Ad, it's your job to take care of you. I know you're a very hardworking, responsible woman so maybe putting it in those terms will help you do it.

[adinva]

Bug you should be a counselor, you know how to speak the words i can hear.

For the benefit of the spooks, in case theyre following along, hello spooks,

H wasnt being cheap after all; we left my van at his place and he drove. I didnt get the benefit of having driving to focus on, but i did get the benefit of no criticism and no valet parking cost or gas.

The people there were nice and warmly welcomed and thanked me for being at the reception. H sat with me and s13 for part of the time and hung out at the bar with his brother the rest. We hardly spoke, not in an unfriendly way. In the car we rode in silence.

There was a good friend of h's brother who came over to MIL to introduce herself and exclaim repeatedly how she was an old friend of bil but had only just met h today. I was fascinated by mil... She introduced the woman to those around her, except me. I suspect she doesnt know the words to explain who i am now. It was uncomfortable for me. Since i was invisible i slipped away to the buffet to end the suspense of whether and how i was going to be explained. If i cared i would have jumped in with a handshake and introduced myself.

I got home at 6pm and slept for two hours. I'm just wiped out. Tomorrow is a new day.

[willbwell]

hi Adinva, hope you slept well. it is a new day! Ive been hitting the chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.
It is not something I would normally do!
I think h responded to sil as a single guy because that is how they see themselves.
He should take his boys to see their cousins. You should not feel obligated to go(unless you wanted to)
It sounds like you do a tremendous amount. I know you are doing it for your kids.
Do what is best for you and your boys. New day. new Year

[labug]

My MIL was here for Christmas dinner, I hadn't seen her for several months. I was working Thanksgiving when she was here.

As she walked from our back gate to the door, I opened the door to greet her. She said, "There's my.......Friend!" She's 87 and in the past called me daughter but I think it's confusing for her.

[adinva]

I think if i give it a little thought i could come around to feeling more compassion for those who dont know the right think to say so they say nothing or something weird...more compassion for them than sorry for myself. Because they are limiting themselves and putting distance out of fear and anxiety. It's easier to be the one with feelings that hurt for a minute and are then let fo.

I dont make sense bc im tired and hungry, dad's bringing dinner over soon.

Thanks to my new Surviving peeps who read my stuff, it really helps.