One thing that does trouble me is the affection.... Most days we kiss each other goodbye and welcome home but that is pretty much as far as it goes (bar 'xx's on emails/texts. I often worry that i am pressurizing her although she does instigate the kissing too and on my down days i tend to not kiss her which i think she notices, i do this as i think it feels so false. Part of me thinks we should only be doing this if we are truly working well together and i should quit doing it for now and carry on with my own stuff but on the other hand i also worry that by stopping it will only worsen things. Just to make it clear here i am not discussing sex at all just affection between a man and wife which is the biggest thing i miss. This morning my wife goes off to work very early and both kids come in and snuggle up with me for a while so things aren't all bad Thanks H
Me: 39 W: 33 Son:7 Daughter:4 Its Over: March 7th 2013 Moved back home Mid June, trying to make it work
Thanks for the input F much appreciated Apologies for the delay in getting back i have been working away for a week or so. Things have been pretty difficult these last two weeks and i am guilty of a couple of backslides.... I know it was wrong but i couldn't help myself bringing up our situation and the lack of closeness, i did this about a week ago and spoke straight from the heart, fatal! My W got pretty upset as did i but didn't offer any feedback although the day after she invited me for lunch and seemed in great form and that we should discuss further. This never happened and for a week or so i have been bubbling away inside until it all came out on sunday morning. I decided to go for a run on sunday morning as it was a way to clear my head and my daughter was at dance rehearsals, not the best time to go but i needed to get out of the house, this resulted in a big row where again i was accused of not doing enough to help. I found this difficult to take and although i tried to validate her feelings its so hard when i disagree so much with what she is saying. We did discuss again last night and she was very tearful and she doesn't know how to turn the love back on, again i didn't do well and talked too much which she pointed out, my comment was i am so passionate about us starting afresh, it was left like this although in a calm manner, today we have spoken and she has offered us to go out for a meal together on Wednesday night, i need to learn to keep my lips zipped when R is discussed! So i know myself i haven't done well this last week or so, does anyone else find that sometimes you just cant help yourself even though you know its probably the wrong thing to do? Also i find it so hard to validate when we are poles apart on our views on certain things, i did during the summer just agree and convince myself she was right..... In the cold light of day today i have chilled out and have tried to process the golden nuggets of information she gave me ahead of Wednesday.
Thanks for listening H
Me: 39 W: 33 Son:7 Daughter:4 Its Over: March 7th 2013 Moved back home Mid June, trying to make it work
Well i thought i would journal some of my experiences these last few weeks. Things seemed to be turning in a new direction after my recent backslides, we have done a few things as a couple that went really well and our intimacy has improved a lot too. We had a night out in the city last weekend and i booked us a posh hotel for the night as any usual guy i had hoped we would take full advantage of a nice hotel but she was content with us spending the day xmas shopping. We had a nice evening out with some friends and she looked stunning, on returning to the hotel her mood had changed and it was straight to sleep, oh well The next morning she awoke in better form (didnt make any comment on why she was unhappy the night before). We again walked around a few shops and she held my hand (something that she hasnt done this year before) and brought me a new shirt, she even indicated that she had hoped for some 'loving' in the morning that we kind of laughed off. The week since has been great and we even resumed our sex life which was great too! This weekend she had planned a night out with her work friends which i thought was great, it transpired that it was males only and the other female didnt go, she told me this before she went so there was no secrets in any of this, i have to say in the position we are i was uncomfortable with this but showed only excitement that she was having a night out and i got to have great fun with the kids cooking and watching films. One of the guys at her work she is very close with (in a working capacity) got the train with her and i have to say it was difficult dropping her off with him waiting, one of the nights that really set off our BD was a night we ran into him together and she seemed to pay him more attention than me, not a great night for me personally and it tore my heart open especially when she told me that there was nothing wrong in her flirting with him. As you can imagine this left me fairly anxious on saturday night and i waited up for her return, she had to get the last train home which isnt the nicest experience so i was rightfully keen to make sure she got home safe and sound. On her arrival home she was straight away suddenly defensive asking why i had waited up for her and that to her it came across as that i was checking up on her. I told her that the truth was like any good husband i just wanted to make sure she was home safe, i went to bed pretty annoyed. It flared up again yesterday morning but all i could do was validate what she was saying but hold my ground as to my reasons. I have never once questioned whether my wife is having an affair (PA or EA)and have never thought she is/was however it is now becoming a worry for me, i know the saying goes around here that all WAS are having an affair (whether real or imaginary) but it still doesn't make it any easier. Time to get back to working on me, a rollercoaster of a ride these last few weeks.
Sorry for boring you all H
Me: 39 W: 33 Son:7 Daughter:4 Its Over: March 7th 2013 Moved back home Mid June, trying to make it work
Hi Folks, I hope everyone had a great xmas and i wish you all a happy new year I have had a great xmas in fact the best so far but as it seems to pan out with me things have hit rock bottom again pretty quickly. We had a fantastic christmas as a family so much that my wife said it had been the best one ever, i have been counting down the days to the new year as i cant wait to put 2013 behind me and had made a commitment to myself that whatever happens this next year will be great, nothing has changed on that front i am still glad to say. Now for the bad bit.... My wife and i had arranged for a day in the city (just the two of us) and we had such a ball visiting some of the sales and a few pubs and dinner too, we arranged for my parents to have the kids for the day and bring them home around 8pm last night, my dad sent us pictures throughout the day of the fun they were having. Once we were all back at base i went to get the kids their PJ's only to return to find my wife in tears, apparently my D4 had told her that nanna had pushed her onto the sofa at one stage and to not move until she had stopped crying, my son8 hadnt seen any off this but did hear nanna telling her to stay on the sofa until she had stopped crying. My wife was ballistic at this stage spouting real venom to me and my family. I tried my best to diffuse the situation saying that maybe there was an issue with context (my mother in the 40yrs i have known her never once raised a voice to me or my sister whilst we were children and is as placid as you could imagine). Not the easiest time to discuss this (both of us had had a few drinks although not drunk) and i did my best to validate and said we should discuss again in the morning when we could discuss rationally. She opted to sleep on the couch and said there is no way my parents could have the kids again and that in essence i always stick up for them and dont support her and we are through. My wife has always had a problem with my family nothing they seem to do is good enough for her, she believes they have a favorite in my son and dont give my daughter the same (something i haven't seen) and even questioned the presents they brought the kids for Xmas saying they were rubbish tat, she likes to tell people what to buy them, i believe that people should be able to buy what they like - it doesn't feel right to me telling people what to buy them... I am never one to shirk a problem and have vowed today that i will speak to them in a tactful way at some stage, i do have some issues in this, my son opened up to me today saying he thought although nanna did raise her voice he thought she was trying to be nice, the flip side my wife asked my D to show her what nanna did and she showed her by pushing one of her teddies. My parents are going away for new year and i would hate to ruin this for them ( in that they have taken this year very badly too) and how you can raise this without making a massive deal out of it is beyond me? I am sat her tonight feeling pretty calm, reality is my wife has never got to the move on stage and i guess this was inevitable, i am glad i gave it my all though and really cant see a way forward from here, maybe its time i did the right thing and end this toxic relationship for the good of us all. Thank you all H
Me: 39 W: 33 Son:7 Daughter:4 Its Over: March 7th 2013 Moved back home Mid June, trying to make it work
I spoke to my parents last night about the situation with my daughter and it didn't go well at all, they couldn't believe i would even think about bringing this up and asked me to leave, heartbreaking to see my mother in such a state. As usual my father took control of the conversation and twisted everything i said - i was trying to make it light hearted (i dont believe for one minute that my mother pushed my D and firmly believe there was a different context) but wanted to bring it up to get their side of the story, i felt i had too. My father said some fairly horrible things about me but i am guessing he was just fighting his corner, i am too tired to argue. I returned home where my wife said that if they denied it she would have to speak to social services about this, my distress about my mother was further signs to her that i was on her side and not my W or D's, again i am too tired to argue. She slept on in my Ds room last night and said she is taking them away for the weekend and doubted she would be back so i guess that is finally it. Feeling pretty isolated on all fronts today, did i do the right thing? I am pretty sure i did, maybe i could have handled it better - it was a lose lose situation i think. If it hadnt been this i am sure it would have been something only around the corner that would have finished it. Just saddened that with all the effort i never quite got to the stage where my wife got on side. Happy 2014 all xxx
Me: 39 W: 33 Son:7 Daughter:4 Its Over: March 7th 2013 Moved back home Mid June, trying to make it work
Yeah, I think you did the best you could, there was no winning that situation. Looking back at the original comment- "apparently my D4 had told her that nanna had pushed her onto the sofa at one stage and to not move until she had stopped crying", I'm having trouble understanding what your W got so worked up about. I don't hear any abuse here, if "nanna" did anything it sounds like it was just some mild discipline, IE- putting your D in "time out". Sounds like you tried to talk to your folks about it to placate your W which is fine, but they blew it all out of proportion too so now you're stuck in the middle of a firefight. Hopefully things will settle down on their own. If your W uses it as an excuse to leave then I would say she just wanted to leave anyway and this is a convenient way to do it and make it look like it's your and/ or your parents' fault.
Thanks AS for commenting it really means a lot to me and i really mean that, i feel pretty alone right now. I am also of the opinion it has been blown out of all proportion and in a way its masking something else, maybe she has been searching for an excuse and this was served up on a silver platter for her, i did all i could as a parent/child/husband and that does make me feel better although not much Think i will let the heat die down over the next few days before trying to rebuild bridges all round.
Thank you again
Me: 39 W: 33 Son:7 Daughter:4 Its Over: March 7th 2013 Moved back home Mid June, trying to make it work
I agree with AS - that seems like a ridiculous over-reaction, especially from a grandmother. I remember walking on eggshells like this with XW1, only to discover she was actually just a selfish jerk, and my parents love my kids.
P.S. I read your entire situation, and I look back in June when Mr Bond recommended counseling. You refused back then, and look where you are yet again? Have you considered even C for yourself?
