Research is important. Understanding is compassionate and a coping mechanism. The trick is to know when to implement what you know. It's hard when your feelings are so bruised. But that's why I suggest small, chewable size items. That's the action based on your research.
The question is when will you do that on purpose? You will when you're ready
For me, it felt better when she left the second time. Bittersweet, but I felt relieved and guilty for feeling that at the same time. I missed what we had, but I was glad I wasn't in limbo and dangling along. I had regained much of myself by then, but I was also grieving the loss of my family unity. Lots of emotions all at once, ya know?
She finally signed the separation papers two days before our 20th anniversary. The next day she filed for divorce. I was ready at that point to be the one to file it, but she did it and saved me the fees.
I am not totally free of her even now. We have kids. She tries hard to maintain some sort of connection (abusive). I'm free in the sense that I don't get affected by her antics. I don't wonder what she's saying, doing, or thinking. I accepted that she left, that my family is broken, that my dreams were taken, and that she will continue to try and blame/harass me for the rest of her life if given the opportunity. Heck, even if she isn't given the opportunity.
I am free to be me though. I am free of the BS. I am free of the drama (and my goodness, but there has been plenty.) But I'm not free from hearing from her or from her in my life. That won't happen. I accept that.
I am free to make my choices without worrying about how it will affect her. I am free to do what I deem in my best interest without any (tangible) interference.
Detached? I don't know that it would be possible to be any more detached. I'm not concerned with anything she does except where it involves my kids. I have the same concern for the school teachers if that makes sense.
Does that answer your question? It was a long road, but I'm glad I got started...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
