FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS

[Ambivalent]

Job, they were placed in a climate control facility. He knew they were there from the day I put them there. He could have taken them anytime. Also, in our home I have had blazers, slacks, and cashmere sweaters destroyed. Who knows from where the lil' buggers came.

I've really had it. The letter he wrote me previous to my response, was a I'm tired of being the only one stressed about money e-mail.

He spelled out what his pay is and will drop to in Jan. Talked about how I would only get 30% of the difference, yadda yadda.

He went over the bills and how he is giving more in money than what the legal system would dictate. @@

" You need to live on a budget. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm tired of being the only one under stress about money. Totaling the truck, daughter's school, your school, the fire... none of those are covered by the money I put in the xxxxx account.

I haven't put a lawyer on retainer yet either ... because I can't afford it. And generally, I'd rather give you what little money we have rather than give it to attorney's. Hopefully the legal insurance through AMD will give us both access to counsel."

He keeps telling me that I need to live on a budget, yet he never comes forward to discuss anything with me. It is as if I'm supposed to magically know what we can use to budget!

The part about the fire is not even an issue. I'm not going to go out and spend money on replacing a thing! Most were irreplaceable and the insurance should or may cover it.

I finally mentioned some things I had to mention. I'm tired of hearing how he is holding all the stress, when he doesn't have a clue about me, what I'm feeling or how my body is reacting. He thinks I'm just gliding along happy and content in a fantasy world. I guess my acting does deserve and award!

I'm tired of hearing how he's subliminally trying to make me feel guilty for decisions he made. He is feeling like crap and he wants me to feel this too! He knew what he was doing at Christmas, and he chose to crap on me anyway, so I would be just as miserable as he. He wants to commiserate and wallow, I want to get out of this mess and fight on.

I felt it was time for me to just let him know what I felt about running away, and the continuing avoidance and hiding from me and the responsibilities.

I'm tired of him assuming that I don't have something to contribute and that he is the only one that should be deciding on our marriage.

I believe his behavior is cowardly and I threw down the rhetorical gauntlet , he can choose. But I'm not taking responsibility for his choice (s).

This is tough love time. I'm going to do what I'm going to do, and if he doesn't manage to " man up " well that is going to be his loss. He can follow in his father's footsteps or he can become his own man. We can work together , or he can do it alone. Either way, I am going to live.

He is going to be very surprised when he finds out the "legal insurance" is going to provide NOTHING, and sub-par counsel. I'm placing an ad today, and moving forward. Both attorney's said that taking a menial job could trap me into it and lower my range of support. So I'm going to keep what I'm doing to myself. That way I may take the full time position when it comes along, and so it will be a good fit/right for me!

Last night, even though pretty sick, my daughter and I had a really good time!. She loved Swing dance as much as I thought she would! There were quite a lot of guys her age there, and yes even gals.

She danced a lot, and one of the dance "buddies" said she was doing really well. She was smiling and laughing the whole time . D already has a friend at work that wants to learn this, and her room-mates would love this as well! So I believe she'll have a great activity that will help with her depression, won't cost an arm and a leg, and doesn't revolve around the party scene.

I enjoyed watching her dance and have fun. It was so rewarding to see the joy on her face, and that the guys there made a point of welcoming her ! As we were leaving the aerial instructor even showed her that she could learn to do aerials. He took her aside and threw her around his body, and made me film it!

All in all it was an awesome mother-daughter evening. It will be another memory she will have in her bank, about us!

[BklynMom]

I hate moths!! They are evil and so so sneaky.

I agree dont take a menial job that will lower your support, wait until you get the right.

Your H will find ways to blame you and justify his behavior, he needs to do this for his ego.

Loved that you and your D went swing dancing. I hope when my girls are older they will still want to hang with me. I know from my own life that being in your 20s and dealing with depression is really really hard - your D is lucky to have you. Show her how to handle the hardest sitchs with grace and dignity and love what you have.

[uRworthy]

You know, A, I agree with Kate and Job, sometimes you just gotta say what you feel.

So, now you have said it all. No need to go there again, right?

Be prepared for no response or a very poor one. Doesnt matter.

What matters is what you do moving forward, who you become, what you stand for.

He is mired in his crap. His problem.

Do what you must to protect yourself. And then, get to livin.'

[job]

Moths have of way of coming inside homes and facilities, no matter what the climate is. You don't even realize they've come in until they've eaten holes in your sweaters coats, rugs, etc. Silver fish are just as bad...but at least you can see them better than moths!

I agree w/the advice you've been given...get a job that is full time and pays well. You don't want to go w/something that pays nickels and dimes. However, you are going to need something to help you out if he continues to only pay you so much and then reduces that amount later on.

I agree w/BklynMom...your h will blame you until the cows come home because he can't face himself and he needs to find ways to justify why he's gone and done the things he's done. Don't buy into that BS.

I'm very happy that you and you D had a wonderful time last night. You both needed to have some fun. I hope she'll continue to participate in it w/you or on her own.

[Ambivalent]

Be prepared for no response or a very poor one. Doesnt matter.

Yup, most likely he would just pick at something or not respond.

Funny he was afraid of the "we would fall back into the same patterns" thing. He hasn't gotten out of them yet! I'm laying it out there, he is still vague, speaks in riddles and still hiding.

I'm really feeling close to the rope drop. I'm also not sure, I even want to stay in the house anymore. Yup feelings change. Mine as well as his!
If I could find a wee house with a fenced yard for the dogs, I could deal. There are rent-to-own places due to the mortgage crisis. That may be a bit down the road.

He paid the mortgage, and I have contacted a woman with a six year old wee boy. I have no problem with a child, as long as she is tolerant of my wee doglets.

It would be a short term start. We'll see if she responds back to me. Haven't made any permanent decisions, still thinking and getting information.

[job]

Ambivalent,
Did you ask your lawyer what he/she thinks of you renting out some rooms, i.e., mother and 6 yr old child? The reason that I am asking is that if you are renting out rooms, it could be considered income and I don't want to see you get caught up in a situation whereby you don't get what is rightfully yours in the way of support at this time.

I know, I'm putting a damper on things, but I'm trying to think of things that won't put you in the pot on a hot stove boiling in trouble.

[Ambivalent]

Actually Job, I did. The money if it was kept in a separate account, recorded in a ledger and then used to pay towards maintaining the joint home, is fine. I wouldn't want to comingle funds, so I would have an account just for that. An account for my future job, and then the checking and savings I have now.

Thanks for caring, I'm in full on protection mode.

[willbwell]

also don't want to be a downer, but another thing to consider with a tenant is increase in bills...water, electricity.
just keep in mind.

ambivalent, you say exactly what I feel.

when do we get beyond the feelings of sadness, disappointment that they won't do the work?
It is about expectations. I did expect better of h.
it is what it is. Can only give it over to God

hang in there

[Ambivalent]

WBW

That is something I considered. I would have her pay separately the water and electric bill. Water where I am is ridiculous.

I would get deposits as well, but we'll see. I will place ad soon, I'd like to here from her first though.

[Ambivalent]

^ hear.