Moved Back from Overseas to Figure This Out...

[S4tk]

I agree with you labug. I see the holes in our M and I don't blame her depression. She actually was diagnosed in August but rejected the diagnosis and refused to re-start medication. She said that her feelings about the M caused depression, and that she was mourning the M. Not vice-versa.

I wonder if her rejection of being rediagnosed is possibly linked to the custody issue. She has told me a few times during these months that her greatest fear is that I would try to "take the kids away from her." I assured her that I wouldn't do that - and at the times she brought it up I began to wonder if maybe she fears I would change my mind if I found out about some kind of A.

I wanted to believe that depression had some causal role in this from the time of the birth of our son up until a few months ago (and I know she has her issues as well as I do) but at this point she is acting less depressed and more... I'm not sure how to describe it. Calling universities to check into getting credits transferred, applying for jobs left and right - everything from bank teller to barista to marketing to teaching...

My sister, who was good friends with W until these past few months, thinks W is BP. I stopped talking to most of my family but occasionally fill my sister in.

I think that I can continue to DB, but I have been reading that N.U.T.s book and thinking a lot about what I won't be willing to compromise, what will define me as a man, what I want.

I do still love her.