Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

So I got myself out of the house as much as possible yesterday. One of my trips was to the library where I found a little gem in Dewey's magical 646 section of the library called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". I just finished the first half of the book that deals with why and how men and women are different. The second half deals with how to use those differences to create a fantastic marriage without having to talk about it.

All I can say is WOW. This book is like the Rosetta stone of our past conversations. I always thought he just didn't listen to me and missed the point and just started spewing random hateful words to get me to shut up and leave him alone. Now I realize that all this time we were talking about different things because we brought completely different contexts to the conversations.

One thing he said the day after BD was "I'm sorry I failed you." and though I didn't say it I thought "What the F was that supposed to mean--like he is some fallen soldier or something?" Who ever suggested anything about failing. But now I realize that is at the core of all man's psyche. The shame of failure. For women it is the fear of insecurity. So we try to ease our fears by talking about it, hoping to find security with our spouses (or friends). Talking about it helps us feel connected which is enough to make us feel secure. But for men it is a piling on of failures which causes shame--an emotion they want to run from. So they withdraw, or react in anger to mask the shame. So all this time when I was trying to ease my anxiety by discussing the things that were causing it (and around BD I was filled to the brim with anxiety--particularly over finanaces) he heard it as a piling on of failures. And me coming up with all sorts of plans for us to take care of it to him sounded like I viewed him as incompotant to take care of me.

I guess that explains why things feel better since I have stopped trying to discuss things (although when I think about them my anxiety level is sky high--I just keep giving it up to God). He isn't feeling the shame of failing because I'm not bringing it up. And as a result his mood has shifted which makes me feel more secure. The book also explains how and why our moods are in sync. And why a positive mood can lift someone's mood a little bit, but a negative mood can greatly effect another's mood. Another pack survival mechanism. When one person feels that safety is threatened the rest of the pack needs to respond in kind. So negative vibes are far more powerful then positive ones.

Now I understand why when I was coming home expecting him to be in a foul mood he always was, but when I started changing my attitude (driving around until I felt positive) things felt much better.

So now I know why stopping my trigger response to fear is essential to stop the downward spiral of my relationship. I can't wait to read the second half of the book that tells me how to use these instincts to improve my relationship.