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[Ambivalent]

Today I texted my H. to find out what our insurance deductible is. He kept asking questions via text and I pretty much told him that we had a fire, it was too much to cover in a text. My attitude was , if he really cares or wants to know he can darn well call me.

He did, it was a fine conversation and he was genuinely concerned. I let him know we were fine. We discussed our 401k and the IRA. I sent him the letter about the options, and he hadn't received it so I sent it again.

He sent a response back, telling me I had no idea about income v.s. outflow. That was why he got me the books. Well, at this point I really feel I had nothing to lose and I might as well just lay it all out there.

I expect nothing from my response, but it sure as Hell made me feel better to just get everything on the table. What he does or doesn't do with it , I really don't care. I am losing respect for someone who cannot behave as an adult. MLC or not, there are things I needed to say. I'm glad I did, and I'm not taking the blame for everything , he made some major boo boo's and assumptions. :

Today at 7:36 PM

" after I just had to throw away every winter weight suit, pants and sport jacket you put in storage. at retail it was over $ 10,000 in clothes. All destroyed by moths. "



Sorry moths got to the clothes, I don't know if it is the storage or the house though. For my woolens, even the ones in the closet got eaten too!



Income v.s. outflow I understand, that is why I was looking at other options for income and why I wanted to do what I spoke about this past Summer. Giving me books rather than sitting down like adults is, not helpful, it came across as blaming me and condescending, with a dash of insensitivity for the timing .

Paying for a divorce, is not going to make anything easier or is it going to solve any problems financially or within yourself. It will only make things worse, uglier, and cause more stress. The debt and finances are huge. It looks like you are getting garnished, and that back taxes are over 75,000.00 dollars? No?

There were mistakes made, financially and relationship-wise. You had needs that you wanted met and so did I, neither of us shared things. We both didn't want to hurt the other and resentments either built up or we came to a conclusion about the other that wasn't correct.

I made a choice to work through things , try to learn and tried to accept both of our frailties. I took our vows to heart. Commitment is easy when people are getting their needs met, and times are good. It is when it is " for worse, for poorer, and in sickness " that we are challenged. It tests the true metal of a person's character. Which response kicks in Fight or Flight.

As for not having a libido from me during times, well it can come from all this unbelievable stress. Just like when I was stressing for years on end over the kids, moving, not moving, job loss, schools etc etc. There are solutions and running from them does not solve a thing. Your drive has a lot to do with the enormous stress YOU are under. Low testosterone, and inner turmoil.

Marriage and relationships are challenging, and it takes strength to weather the bad times. There were MANY times I could have bolted, but that would not have solved a thing. I would not have found anymore happiness, for there would be a different problem down the road.

Gambling, drinking, screwing around, doing drugs, drinking , spending, all of these and more don't solve a thing. It is who we are down deep and learning to accept each other and grow through issues that can only make things better. It is looking at the mistakes our parents made, and not repeating them that can bring clarity. Too many assumptions have been made based on past behaviors, and not enough credit has been given to how individuals can change and grow. I have been working towards starting a brand new career. I wanted to share , learn , and grow.

I cannot compete with another woman, nor the hormones that are coursing through your body due to something new or exciting. I have chosen to deal in reality. We have a boat load of debt, I wanted to work with you to overcome it and prepare for our future. I do not want to throw away everything we have worked for. I want to do things as a team, and fight like Hell to beat this .

Whether you want to believe it or not, I do feel the financial pressure, and after looking at the past paperwork over the years, there were many things I was not told. I asked if I should get a job or go back to work many times over the years. The responses I got were: " ...wouldn't make a difference..." ..." it would cost more than I'd make..." " ...it would change the tax bracket...".

Also , decisions were made by you that you thought " would make me happy ". I was never unhappy nor did I ever expect you to make me happy. Happiness comes from inside ourselves. I've known that since before we ever met.

I even offered to drive a bus when you lost your job from xxx. I have wanted to help, but there was much that you hid from me from fear of " me not being able to handle it or stressing out."

It makes no difference now, for you have made decisions and now you want to do the same without input from me. I was trying to show that I can be creative, and possibly help. I feel as though anytime I try to help , I get shut down. I do have ideas yet it is as if you don't want to hear them or even give them a try.

I accept that you believe that there is only one way out. I think it is myopic and defeatist. There are far more expenses with two households and two people working separately. This is a choice you made, and I do not agree with it. I accept it, but do not support it.

I see other options, and I am willing to fight and work my ass off. I am not a quitter, nor am I afraid to delve into what needs to be done.

I believe there is still much you have "shielded me from or hidden " Now is the time for complete honesty. EVERYTHING, finances, sex, things you think I'll judge you on.

Just know I have ALWAYS accepted you for you. I have ALWAYS respected you and shared with you. I have grown tremendously these past months, and I'm continuing to grow.

If you don't want to repeat the same mistakes made, the same relational errors, NOW is the time to share, learn, and grow. For if you can't for WHATEVER reason, you will be doomed to be like your dad, my dad. Stuck in a state of unhappiness, discontent, and ignorance as to why.

I care for you, and our marriage. I care about our children, I hate the thought of rash decisions today impacting us and our kids for the rest of our lives. Feelings change, they are flighty, but real learning comes from pain, and perseverance.

I figure at this point I have nothing to lose. Either way the house is gone, our life as we knew it is gone. It is how we handle this, and if we grow through fighting for us and conquering our issues, or running from them and allowing them to conquer us.

I made my choice, I'm a fighter. I believe in us, I don't think we're through. I think you need help and you are afraid to let me help, and afraid that I'll not accept you for you. I think you don't believe I'll accept the choices you've made, that I'll hate you because you spent money on another woman, and that you have screwed around. I don't , because I know you have done these things and it still hasn't made you happy.

You are still seeking , trying to figure out who you are, and who you want to become. I didn't marry you for your money, car, status, or job. I wanted you. I didn't need you, I chose you. There is so much more but this is long enough. When you can face me, and sit down like a man I'm ready to fight. I'm ready to listen. I'm ready to work. You have to accept and love yourself. You are not who your parent's perceived you to be, nor your Aunts. You are you, you are human, a man. That was not only good enough for me, but who I thought was pretty awesome. Yeah, you aren't perfect, neither am I.

Just accept yourself and love yourself. We do.

A.

So I dumped, it may not be DB-ing. It may or may not fall on deaf ears. I needed this, I have been living under so much stress for so long. My body immune system is at it's most stressed, I've been fighting getting sick, my rib cage got a blow, I'm getting mouth ulcers...yadda yadda yadda.

I really don't care anymore. If he responds with the poor me, things haven't changed, I can't live with you or whatever...I really don't care. He has chosen to give up and I cannot respect nor support quitting.

He has a ton of growing to do, and I still do as well. I tired of allowing myself to get mired.