As for many of us today is harder than I thought. I really had thought it wouldn't be a big deal since H is at work all day but S has been calling for him all day and it s@cks. S anxiety and behavior problems have been increasing. He is an angel for H during the times they are together so that just feeds H delusion that this will all be good for s.
MIL and FIL will be here on a few hours. I pray I can hold it together. The know H and I are having problems but they do not know the extent or about OW.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I have finally come to a realization and now I don't know what to do about it.
Here is the lead up. H and I had the first fight in a month yesterday. No fighting because really very minimal communication. Yesterday I found out he spent a huge chunk of money that wasn't budgeted. Maybe it was the holiday stress or maybe it was the final straw after months of him spending money and me not saying a word and going behind him and fixing of finances. IDk but I lost it. We agreed to table it and discuss budget this morning.
Morning comes and he says we will talk later and it hits me tthat our entire marriage has been me trying to get him to participate. To talk about money or kids or relationship and him always saying later.
So here is where the clouds part.. when he says he wants to be free and just do whatever he wants, that is what he had ALWAYS wanted.
And that just makes me sad. For him because I can imagine how trapped he felt. Sad for me because I spent so long with someone who never wanted the same kind of marriage I did. Sad for me because I still love him but now feel there is no hope for reconciliation because he now has the freedom be craves.
So now what do I do? Do I say anything to him?
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
interesting sitch. I have a similar issue with my W. although she says she just needs time to think, she removed items from our fire safe and took them with her without me knowing. I found out when I went to look for a document and found folders missing. "time to think" vs. moving important stuff from the house...hmmmmm
She's crazy about her horses and only talks about that or does things related to it. if the kids are doing that stuff they get attention from her. Otherwise, she's pretty much a part time parent. She moved to her parents on 12/5. I've been missing her, but maybe I've just been missing the idea of what I wanted. My days are relatively the same as when she was here minus the tension.
I have all the same issues you just described and we are now in serious debt. I did try something interesting when we spoke this morning. I said wasn't going to get into a big convo about the R, but that I was sorry that she felt unheard. I was also sorry that in my hurt of rejection and fear about the mounting debts, I had lashed out at her just before she left and didn't let the best in me do the talking. She cried. She was stunned.
It felt nice to offer a one sided apology. I owned what I did. I also told her that I knew I'm not responsible for all of her bad feelings. I'm good, just not that all powerful
Keep working on you, its the only way out. if he decides to keep moving in another direction, you're life will keep moving too. maybe you'll see things differently too and decide its in your best interests to let him go. you never know what'll happen.
the best thing to do is live your life well. he may notice it, but you will certainly notice it. move along just because its the right thing to do for you and your D. When he eventually sees that you've just kept going without him and you not looking for him, things may have a chance to change. the important thing is the really do it. Not "fake" doing it to see if her reacts. You won't be any happier if you do that. Although, once you life becomes the life you wanted, you may see H differently too. Food for thought. I'm no expert and I certainly have a hard time following this stuff too.
start by asking yourself this, if H magically disappeared (nothing bad happened...not saying that, he just didn't exist anymore) what would you do. who would you be??
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
2, if you click on the poster's name in red in the left pane, a drop down will appear. At the bottom you'll see View Posts. Click on that and all Paul's posts will list.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I have finally come to a realization and now I don't know what to do about it.
Here is the lead up. H and I had the first fight in a month yesterday. No fighting because really very minimal communication. Yesterday I found out he spent a huge chunk of money that wasn't budgeted. Maybe it was the holiday stress or maybe it was the final straw after months of him spending money and me not saying a word and going behind him and fixing of finances. IDk but I lost it. We agreed to table it and discuss budget this morning.
Morning comes and he says we will talk later and it hits me tthat our entire marriage has been me trying to get him to participate. To talk about money or kids or relationship and him always saying later.
So here is where the clouds part.. when he says he wants to be free and just do whatever he wants, that is what he had ALWAYS wanted.
And that just makes me sad. For him because I can imagine how trapped he felt. Sad for me because I spent so long with someone who never wanted the same kind of marriage I did. Sad for me because I still love him but now feel there is no hope for reconciliation because he now has the freedom be craves.
So now what do I do? Do I say anything to him?
You don't have to do anything more than what you're currently doing. Live your life and work to make it a good life. The answers you need will come.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Just some perspective: my W told me in September how divorce was "setting her free", and she finally felt good to have her own life and freedom, and money (she got her first major job in 3 years), and so on.
Our divorce is dismissed, and I found out two weeks ago, she is heavily in debt, can't get enough hours, and in April when her credit runs out, her bills will be $900/mo more than what she makes. She is selling jewelry to try to make credit card payments, etc.
Again, just some perspective about the whole "freedom" crap.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Julie- I'm not sure how to respond to your question. As you reflect, do you believe that he's never wanted M, or are you operating out of post fight emotion? Think back to when you dated and were first married. When do you think he started feeling caged in?
Have you seen any improvements in your R lately? I know you've been consistent with your changes and staying out of the way of his anger. Has he lightened up a bit? Is his A still going on?
Does this revelation change the end result you want?
I can relate to how the unexpected financial issues can really push buttons.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Have a wonderful day with your S.