Hi everyone! Well, i was here 7 years ago in 2006, when my husband had his first affair with a coworker. I thought we recovered, but i was wrong. I just recently found out he was having an affair 2 years ago, emotional and physical with a 21 year old. She was his rep. You see, my husband is a spine surgeon. I am 41 years old and he is 42 years old. We also have 4 children, ages 15, 13,10 and 6. I just recently found out through friends and an old co worker of his. I took it upon myself to call the 21 year old, she denies having sex with him, because she is protecting him. Said they only kissed. My husband is saying the same thing. Unfortunately, i know this is not true because 2 years ago I found a box of condoms and a wad of cash in his bag at work. He rushed home and cancelled a surgery to tell me they were not his but he was carrying them for his friend. I was naive enough to believe it at the time. The friend that lied for him came forth a couple weeks ago and told me the truth about everything. Now let's fast forward to the present time. As far as i know he is having an affair with his scrub tech, she is our age and married. Boy, he has stooped to a whole different level. A married woman with 3 grown boys. I know that these women throw themselves at these surgeons, because i was a nurse back in the day, 16 years ago before we started to have children. I haven't been back to work since. I found a card he got for the present other woman a couple weeks ago, he denied until i pushed him , then he finally said it was just a friend. Of course i don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I believe he is a pathological liar and narcissist, oh and of course a serial cheater. Now we are back to the old ways of the first affair with the whole I love you but i'm not in love with you thing. blah blah blah. I am so broken and scarred, i don't even listen to him anymore. I know he is messed up and he says he is, he admits that but nothing else. He wants to go to counseling, so i set that up, for him individually. I don't really feel i should go with him at this point, mostly because he is in the blaming me stage. I don't want to listen to that right now or ever really! I know this is not my fault. I know he is a sick man. The biggest question of the day is this, why do i still want to save my family? Let me say more. Over our 17th year anniversary which was a couple days ago on December 21st we went out. He bought me a diamond necklace and gave me a card that said he is trying to work on our marriage and a brighter future for us. He thanked me for sticking by him , even when he didn't deserve it. The bottom line is this, he confuses the heck out of me. I'm certain this is because he is so confused himself. What is it going to take for him to stop cheating, or is it always going to be this way the rest of our married lives? I really don't know what my pain threshold is anymore. I thought i could get over the first affair , but to be honest i never really forgave him, not true forgiveness anyway. I still continued to bring it up on occasion. I know that was wrong of me now. I know that is called empty forgiveness. I wish i wouldn't have done that. But do you see how i'm blaming myself again. I sit here and think, what if i had truly forgiven him, maybe he wouldn't have cheated again. Then i go back to reality, and know this isn't true. I am pretty darn sure he would have still kept cheating regardless. He never had true remorse with the first affair and even stated that he was sticking around for the kids. I said okay to that at the time, because i wanted to save our marriage so badly. Not this time though. I want him to stay because he wants to stay. I feel like I need to see a lawyer at this point, and put down a retainer, even though my heart is not ready and i cannot bring myself to do it at this point. I will know when i'm ready. We are very blessed and i know that, with many material things. We just built a 7000 square foot house 2 years ago, even though its much too big, its a beautiful house and i do appreciate it. We are Christians too. We even have a bible study/life group at our house every Sunday with 10 other couples, which also scares me, because i see how fake he is really is. How he believes his own lies. I have a moral compass and can't for the life of me understand when people do not. He said to me recently, "its not right that i want my wife to find someone else to be with" "i wouldn't even be jealous". I don't even know what to think of that. All i know is that i am no where near wanting to be in another relationship let alone have an affair on him. I'm not the type that wants to get even with him or have revenge. I just want to save my marriage. All i want is a normal, healthy, happy family, with normal everyday problems. I signed up for 6 sessions with the Divorce busting coach, he is wonderful to talk too. I also have an infidelity coach that i talk to over the phone. I"m also going to start seeing individually the same Christian counselor/minister that Greg is going to start to see in a couple of days. I know that i'm blessed to be able to even have all this help, because they truly get me through the day at times. Its like i have to live minute by minute, because i'm so hurt and overwhelmed. Taking a shower and exercising is a chore, but i continue to do so, for me and for the kids. I'm trying not to be mopey and depressed but find myself crying a lot too. How can you fake being happy? Its not that easy for me. My kids are totally affected by this as well. They can tell mommy and daddy are having major problems. My almost 16 year old is very tuned into what is going on as well, which is horrible for him. Let me tell you why. 7 years ago when my husband had his first affair, my oldest son lost all his hair due to having alopecia. Greg knows that this is why he lost it too. Praise Jesus though when he got his eyebrows back. It made him at least not look like he had full blown cancer. He has kept his eyebrows but never got any hair on his head back. He is on an a strong mood stabilizer since 3rd grade, he is in 9th grade now. This helps him, but i can tell it is taking a toll on him. My husband at this point doesn't seem to care. I'm the nurturing one. I'm the emotional one. My husband is a cold man, very quiet and reserved too. I have no idea what he acts like at work, but i'm assuming differently. Why isn't our family good enough for him? We are so blessed but yet he cannot see any of this. I'm sorry for rambling on. I just needed to get this out. Oh, one more thing. We are going to an intensive marriage seminar in Tennessee on January 9th through the 12th. We are flying there and our nanny is watching the children , taking them to school and what not. You know what i really need? I need closure. I feel i need the truth, not all the yucky details but just plain honesty. I just want to hear him say yes, i slept with a 21 year old for 6 months and i'm sorry. Yes i'm having an affair right now and i'm sorry. Am i ever going to get this? Probably not. I know i have some hard decisions to make at this point, but for now i'm in fighting for my marriage mode. I pray so hard everyday, I don't think i could be praying any harder. He is also pushing away everyone he loves, our best friends etc. He is not communicating with them, etc. I guess that's all for now. Thank you so much for reading my post, and for listening to me . I do appreciate all the help i can get right now. Love KE
In your post, there is an enormous amount of information to deal with. You've obviously been through so much in the past, and nothing has really changed. In order for your marriage to really succeed this time around, I strongly suggest that you speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Your Coach will help you clarify your thoughts, focus on your goals and get your marriage back on track. You will have a clear plan action and know that you are moving in the right direction. Please call me to discuss our program. 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
Roberta, Thank you , but i already am talking to a divorce busting coach, as mentioned in my post. I have had 2 sessions with Chuck and have another 4 to go. Thanks anyway, Kym
