Rise & Shine III

[paul19510]

My W is only gone 3 weeks as of today. She moved to parents and only has to take care of herself and her horses. she can pick and choose when and if she takes a kid for the night. she usually does take our one D13, but leaves the other two out of it.

I set the boundary that she not leave her laundry here within the first few days after she left. Se left stuff and I put it in a bag and gave it to her unwashed and smiled to say, you left your shirt(s) behind when you got changed here the other day. She doesn't leave stuff anymore. In fact, she responded by no longer coming into the house for any reason. hmmm. its only 3 weeks. I guess there's lots more coming.

[Pudmuddle]

I don't think it was against db'ing, 3. I think it was right for your situation. There was a need for reconnection and it happened, plus you had no expectations!!<--that speaks volumes for where you are today and how much you have grown.

I'm sure the wine helped, too. I am sincerely glad that it created a happy memory for you during what could have been a very stressful day.

You are doing well 3!!!

[melissag]

3, I am glad you had a nice holiday! I think it was OK for you to drop your boundaries . . . you have to do what works, right? I don't think that ML was opposite of DBing. DBing is doing what works and not doing what doesn't work. And I think that if there ever is to be an R, that connection needs to be maintained.

I was ok with what happened because I am at a point that I don't have any expectations that things will change.

This is exactly where you want to be, isn't it? I mean, it's exactly where I think I want to be. If you are able to do what makes you feel good, and be able to have fun with your H and reconnect with him, without feeling like crap the next day (unlike someone I know who shall remain nameless - but her name starts with M), I think that's great.

Keep this feeling going, you are doing awesome!!


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[3boymom]

I am slowly starting to get back into our regular routine after the holidays. I feel like my PMA is suffering a bit. The weeks before Christmas were filled with so much excitement. I was so busy that I did not have much time to think about my sitch. I am not looking forward to New Years Eve. This is the one part of the holidays that I hope flies by. I am not sure why I am not more excited about starting off a new year. I guess that it is the unknown of what may happen in 2014 that scares me.

But in reality, it really should not scare me. I should be beyond excited to close out 2013. 2013 truly $ucked. It was the hardest and worst year of my life so far (and that says a lot because the prior two years were bad as well). I am in a MUCH better place personally. I am stronger and happier with life in general (take away the crappy sitch with my H). We had to cancel our plans last year because H went out all night the evening before. H did not show up until the afternoon on Christmas Eve. Needless to say never of us slept and it was a disaster. Should of taken it as a hint of the things to come in 2013.

I have been trying to decide how I want to ring in 2014. I have several invitations to head out and party with friends/family. But I think that being "out" will result in my being sad that I don't have H to kiss at midnight. It will cause me to look around the room and wonder what H is doing at that moment...I don't even want to go there. I feel like my only motivation for going out is so that H knows that I am out having a good time. I don't want that to be my motivation. Even if I surround myself with friends, I know that I will feel alone. Not the way that I want to start 2014.

So I think that I am going to spend my evening with the three men that always make me feel amazing...my little guys. I have booked a nice dinner for us at a Japanese Steakhouse. I think that I may set up sleeping bags in the basement in front of the tv and let the two older boys stay up late even though they wont make it to midnight.

[melissag]

Hi 3, I typed out a long response to you earlier and my computer went psycho and I lost it.

I feel you on the PMA drop . . . it does seem like we are not the only ones. It is hard being out of routine, and I think also that for those of us who had a great Xmas with our H and reconnected (esp. on a physical level), no matter how detached we think we are, or how little expectations we think we have, it is still not easy to be sent back into the crappy reality of how things stand with them.

I am not excited about NYE myself, because I will be spending it 1000 miles away form my H, and have no idea what he will be doing or who he will be with (the thought makes me nauseated), so I totally understand why you are not looking forward to NYE. Honestly, I have never particularly liked NYE anyway (too much pressure for it to be epic!), but I guess it's just another thing that reminds me that my H doesn't see what I see of how good things can be with us, so it feels like a missed opportunity.

Sorry, I am hijacking your thread and talking about myself!

Back to 3. I think your NYE plans sound great, and super fun for your boys. It might not be the NYE you most want, but you can still make it fun and special.

As for January 1, well, I think we all need to come up with a way to start 2014 off with a PMA. I think I need to consider making some resolutions - I usually don't.

What will you do to make 2014 great?

[3boymom]

I am definitely feeling the post holiday blues tonight. H has the kids per our usual arrangement. I headed to the mall to make some returns that I needed to do. I usually LOVE shopping but just could not get into it tonight. The past few days were so nice that it is just hard to get into the normal routine. I also got a glimpse into what life could look like if H and I were able to start a new relationship.

For the first time in my life, I am currently eating dinner by myself. I am sitting at the bar. Talk about a 180 for this introvert. I normally just skip dinner if I am going to be alone but I was too busy at work today to get lunch so I was starving. Also I was done shopping and it was too early to head home. Last time I got home before h put the kids to bed and I could tell he was annoyed (he had a bad day at work which probably contributed to it). So I am giving him time with the kids and stay out for a bit. And push myself to get outside of my box. Plus I get a nice moral and a drink in piece and quiet without three little boys trying to get my attention. Gotta look for the positives.

[melissag]

Hang in there, 3! You are doing great, just keep pushing forward, and your PMA will come back. (Can you tell I am trying to convince myself?)

((((3bm))))

[3boymom]

Even though I entered Christmas and my little reconnection with H without any expectations, I have found myself more easily annoyed and angry at H. I knew that ML and hanging out together would not change the situation, but watching him continue to live his single life is making me angry.

It is the little things that are bothering me. I have reached out to H twice since I starting DBing via text/email. I never usually reach out at all, even about logistics. H did not respond to either things, including one thing I sent last night. I was putting myself out there and I got shot down. Lesson learned. Yet, H calls today after noon (Sunday is our family day) to figure out what we are doing. I missed his call twice because I was getting the kids ready and cleaning he house. When I called him back, he said "having trouble answering your phone today." I normally try to be nice, but H annoyed me. I responded "Hey, its like the pot calling the kettle black. You never respond to me." He apolozied and gave some excuse about not wanting to write back because he was at dinner with his family (this coming from a guy who will answer his phone anywhere).

I am tired of just letting him slide by with his little critical comments. I just called him out on it and changed the subject. Clearly ignoring him is not going to make it stop, so I figured I would change my strategy a bit. I am not mean or rude, just tired of him ALWAYS pointing out the negative in others yet never taking responsibility for the negative things that he does.

H just participate in my life and in our family when he wants but cant be bothered when he doesn't. I have known this for a while, but it is just hard to see play out over and over. H lives alone and can come and go when he pleases. H lives life like a teenager with very few responsibilities. H remains the fun dad, while I answer the questions about where daddy is all the time.

I am determined to keep moving forward and to not let this anger get to me. I know that it will get easier as the days pass. Yet, there are just some days that I wonder why am I fighting so hard for this guy. I know that I deserve better and I am not sure that H is capable of giving me that.

[melissag]

Here we go again living the same life, 3!

Some of the things you said are exactly how I feel. My H isn't critical or mean, just self centered. I don't think he purposely hurts me and the kids, he just doesn't care, or more likely, is too self absorbed to notice he is doing it. In your case, I wonder if your H is critical bc he is unhappy with himself, or perhaps trying to convince himself that you are bad so he can justify his A. Either that or, like my H, he's just being an idiot,

The tough part for me, is that I still see my H as my H. So I keep wanting and maybe expecting him to wise up. It is easy enough to say, he is treating me like crap, I deserve better; but it is very difficult to accept the loss of the H I thought he was.

Sit with this for a while and see what happens. I wonder if, for both of us, it is a phase. Only time will tell, so I think I will continue to act the same for a while rather than do or say something I can't take back if I feel differently later.

[bluesgal]

Melissa, great response

3-I think you handled yourself well. I don't think there is anything wrong with clarifying things without being rude. He seems to respond well when you do this.

To me, it really demonstrates the fog they're in. You've only contacted him twice since you've DB! That's great. It really seems like he doesn't 'get it'.