Feel like falling down

[willbwell]

thank you gm for always checking in on me.
I guess I come here to vent and try and get this out of my system...really wish it were( out of my system).
What to do about it? stop talking about it? then I feel I am just pushing it down and not recognizing...
don't want to be obsessive. Absolutely know there is no way I would let h back in right now, not that he wants to be, but know that I wouldn't just be some idiot again and say "ok"

thought I would use this time while boys away to read some threads, some of my many self help books.
D is sitting at the table with me here coloring.we have lunch plans later.

got lots of cleaning I want to get done. got movies I want to catch up on! Plenty to do!

I get that h prefers to not be here. to avoid seeing/talking to me.
he doesn't see or talk with anyone. kids barely, friends, barely.
not old friends anyway.

my grown boys never hang out at h's apt.
At our home, we hang out by watching football, playing cards, board games,puzzles with d15.she is like a 5yr old. she will often ask one of her brothers to tuck her in at night.
no, h is going to hang out here and they are not going to hang out there. and I can only do what I can do.

of course, I hate this sit. want it to go away. Want to get to other side. right now think there will always be lingering sadness(for me) at the impact on my kids. yes, they are grown boys, but does not make their hurt any less.
They have not grown up in a slpit family.
one son goes away to college to come back and find his family no longer intact.
the other son loses the constant companion of both brother and dad and stuck with us girls(his mom and sister)both who constantly and won't leave him alone!

this is more than I intended to write. really thinking in my head for a new thread
need to go for now.thanks for reading.

my next post will have nothing about h. My goal!!