ScottCat, copied from an old JJ post, I thought this might help us both:
"In this humble man's, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!"
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
Holy F-in S#!t Positive spin! I just read the first 15 pages your stitch and I cant believe what you went through and how you held it together this whole time. I will be praying for you, your D and your W. Also thank you for your posts and words of wisdom/encouragement. I am feeling much better today and I can honestly say I am still hopeful. Yes this F-in [censored] but I can get through this.
Originally Posted By: Positivespin
Take the first step right now.....Stop kissing her ass trying to make her like you. You will get guilt trips and nasty looks - dont take the bait. She is walking away. CARE FOR YOURSELF!
Little did I know I have already begun working on myself, but I was feeling bad about it. Thanks to you guys, I know its OKAY! And Your right, she has given me nasty looks and sny remarks. I'm kinda getting some humor out of it. I just have to be careful I dont come across as a D!#k, as I have the tendency to do that.
Fartiltre, Thank you for post, Im going to try as hard as I can to focus ME.
dxw689- that post is fantastic, Thank You sooo much for sharing it with me.
Thank You everyone for all the help, I honestly could not have done any of this without you.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Fill me in!! - What had the two of you originally agreed upon? Was she supposed to have the children? You? No agreement? And calm down! No need to rush the answer! NEVER rush the answer or you will find you answer on feelings and not brains – you need the last one
We didn't have an agreement. The only plan we've had since BD was pick up times for the boys. Since I moved back home, Neither of usually say what are plans are until the day or a few days ahead of time.
I would like to go out New Years Eve, but as of now I do not have any plans. My friends are horrible for planning. So I dont know what to do. I was going to suggest we look into a sitter as I want to go out that night too.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
My recommendation is its time to live your life, she can get a sitter, don't let her know your going to be sitting at home, willing to watch your boys. Theres nothing wrong with getting a sitter so you can get out as well.
Its time isn't it, to live a little? Don't be afraid to take a little control over your own life.
