Don't Break Character

[tigerlily78]

Thanks again Raine for keeping us updated with how things are going with you and H.

I got teary when reading that he said he loves you.

I really appreciated your summary of what your mindset was to work through this and your insight into how it worked. Very useful stuff right there. I copied it off to keep reminding myself the mindset IS that important.

Best wishes to you Raine.

[Wonka]

Raine,

You've grown up so much that you no longer need any 'reminders' from me....now that's progress, m'dear!

What an uplifting update, baby! Now all you need to do next is to gather your family up and watch It's a Wonderful Life this Friday night on NBC (December 20th). Kinda parallel to the MLC crisis..I think.

Sure, an order of scrambled MLC brains part II coming right up soon! Would you like a side order of Claritin to go with it? I wanted to wait a while as this was your journey as you processed emtions & thoughts and didn't want to overtake your thread. Plus wanted to hear from you directly that you were ready for it.

I'll try to post it sometime this week. [please don't remind me about shopping as I haven't even started it yet :(]

You've done a great job on this crazy journey with twists and turns along the way! You're the real prize here, Raine!!

[Raine]

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone had a lovely day. Things around here have been over the top amazing. It’s pretty early in the morning and H just fell asleep. I on the other hand am completely wired. I don’t know how long I’ll really even have here before he wanders in and asks me to come back to bed.

Christmas was really special. H got me a lot of well thought out gifts. He has been listening to me. He knows me. He thanked me over and over again for things I had got him. He told me multiple times how special today was. He asked me what my favorite part was. I feel so close to him, so connected to him. He is telling me he loves me, often. I tell him often. Affection is none stop. He is always near me, touching me, hugging me, kissing me. I initiate it. I don’t walk past him without touching him in one way or another. If I am snuggled into him and I move to get a drink or anything, he pulls me tight and won’t let me go. I feel like he completely adores me. We aren’t getting much done. We spend all our free moments together. If we have to be apart, he tells me to hurry back, or that he will be as fast as he can. He would rather go see a movie he has already seen with me again, rather than for me to go see it with a friend and him do something else. We are in full throttle honeymoon phase, and the first honeymoon phase was without little kids who wake up early in the morning and need us. We’re not sleeping much...

A few quick updates...
The bags in the master closet are gone. It’s spotless clean in there. Not H’s full doing. My niece who helps me out with the kids and things around the house decided to clean it up. H was thrilled. There wasn’t much left, and what was there, was things that just kept getting piled on top. It became a hot spot for him to dump things. He said he kept meaning to do it, but just never felt it was something that needed to get done and he couldn’t be bothered trying to find a place for things. It seemed to be more of a laziness thing to me. I’m glad I didn’t do it or ask to have it done. I apologized to him when I told him that she did it without me asking, even saying I could put things back, but he was really happy about it. I’ve felt it was just laziness on his part for a while now. He is also sharing a hamper with me now too. Craziness.

A few days ago H did something that sent me spinning a little bit. It was a selfish thing on his part, but I know he didn’t realize it. Still…a trigger none the less. He could tell I wasn’t happy. He came over to me and thought it was about the kids, or something else. He was hugging me and I hugged him back. He kept asking is it this, is it that. When he asked if it was him, I said yes. He was shocked and took me to the bedroom and asked me what he had done and then apologized for it and went out of his way to make up for it. He just wants me to be happy. I know he does not want to deal with the past or me being hurt then or now or ever. That’s gotta happen at some point. I figure I will know when that is, but it’s not yet. He has said he will get back into IC in January.

A few mornings ago we were in a rush to get out the door and S2 was being two. H was getting super frustrated, but I had also let a snide remark slip too. One of those, "Oh crap that came out totally wrong" moments that I had no idea how to back pedal out of. I could just tell he was so annoyed. He came into the room, threw something down and then left again. I just followed him, smiling. When I caught up to him, I just grabbed him and started kissing him. He kept trying to talk and say it wasn’t me, it was this and that, and I just said, uh huh, and just started kissing him more, until he couldn’t talk anymore. And then he was smiling, and laughing, and joking. And then he told me he loved me. This very sweet, very comforting “I love you,” like I had lifted a heavy buried from him, full of appreciation. And I knew that was a big moment. I got him. I could sense what he was going through and react to him…and I could pull him out of that moment of funk. And he knew it. I got my power back. And maybe I never lost it, but I am using it now.

Today while he was talking to him mom on the phone, he had her on speaker, and she asked how things were between H and I. He took her off speaker and said she doesn’t need to ever worry about that. Everything is great.

No. Neither of us are wearing wedding rings yet.

So, things are amazingly good. I am still a bit shocked to be here: to think that this reconnection started a few months ago, without anything being said. It has been all action. But, it’s been such a short period of time in the scheme of things. He has now been back in the house for as long as we were separated. But it’s strange to think that it was only the first part of Oct that he moved back into the MB. Things have moved incredibly fast. There is still a long way to go. Despite the overwhelming feeling that he is in for good and that he would never cheat again, that he can’t bare thinking that he has cheated and hurt me...I don’t trust him. There are still triggers. There are still significant "signs" I’m looking for that would give me reason to trust him. But, I’m taking things one step at a time. At some point we are both going to have to face it. But I don’t fear that. It won’t be a deal breaker. I have no doubt he will do whatever it takes to keep us together. And I’m going to need that. I’m going to need that to be in this R to the same degree he seems to be now.

[job]

Happy Holidays!

Raine, things are moving along very nicely and I'm glad to see that he's stepping up to the plate. This is what reconnection is all about. Learning to explore, love, best friends, etc., It's how you started out years ago as best friends and then things evolved into couples and then marriage.

I'm glad to hear that the "bag" has now disappeared. It's a good sign even though it had a little help towards the end...but it's gone and he's home to stay. That's what is important.

Raine, you are still going to have some rough patches, but that's okay. When they hit, be honest w/him about what makes you angry or uncomfortable. He won't know what's on your mind unless you tell him. The crystal ball is broken...so speak up. He'll work w/you any way that he can to prove to you that he loves you and wants to be there w/you and the children.

I can see that the new year will be even better and more promising for you and your family. A new beginning all of the way around! I just love happy endings!

Enjoy the holidays and enjoy exploring the world w/your h and your new marriage. It's truly a wonderful life for you and your h.

[TSquared2]

Just "AA" there Raine... "AA"....

[uRworthy]

Oh my friend, I have a huge smile on my face. So very happy for you, truly.

You will know when you need to address that stuff. Keep growing closer, keep getting strong. So that when you do, it will be with two people who weathered a storm and have come out the other side on firm shores.

It is important to keep the lines of communication open. I do hope he goes back to C. He still has some stuff to process.

You keep being your amazing self.

[Wonka]

Ditto to what Job said ^^^.

H, can I interrupt you for a moment and steal Raine so we can dance away in unbriddled joy?!

Girl, you are amazing in keeping your head on straight throughout the reconnection process! At some point, I'll post about the MLC process when the holiday and NYD festivities are over.

Back to swimming in my eggnog...

[Raine]

Thanks so much my awesome friends I'll keep staying the course.

I forgot to mention a few other things that have happened that may help give a little insight into this crisis/MLC.

I feel like H has a lot of anger inside he is trying to deal with. He said awhile ago that when he sees me having a difficult time, it makes him angry, like wanting to lash out at me, move out of the MB, just get away because he feels like he is the cause of me feeling low or sad. That has stuck with me and made me hold back a bit, cause i feel like he can't handle himself yet, let alone someone else's feelings.

The anger has been such a huge part of this for H. He also said that when he left the home and when he was doing what he was doing, he justified it because he was so angry at me. He didn't care. But now he doesn't know why he was so angry. It doesn't make sense to him.

So with that background, here are some things that are happening now...

We took the kids out shopping before Christmas. A couple of them are getting over colds. H told me that he was glad we took them out. They need to get out of the house and get fresh air. He said though that the whole time we were out shopping he was just waiting for someone to make a comment, notice a runny nose or one of them cough and question him for bringing his kids out. He said he was waiting for someone to do that which would mean he would blow up at them. He makes up these scenarios in his head that are so crazy, like anyone is going to say something like that to us, but he makes up the scene and plays it out, and gets all worked up and angry like it has already happened.

Another time we were going through a drive through with a double line. So common curtsey is one car from lane 1 and then one car from lane 2, right? Well this other car in the other lane hugged the bumper of the car in front of him, and cut in when it should have been our turn. So H has some choice words, but my immediate reaction is to get a massive grin on my face and start waving like crazy at this other guy. He smiles and waves back and mouths, "Do I know you?" It was seriously funny, right? And H just starts laughing, just thinks it's awesome I did that. And later he says he was thinking he was going to have to get out of the car and rearrange that guy's face.

We were at a store and he pointed out someone he had almost got into a fight with over a game.

Okay, enough examples. But this is not the H I've ever known. And he has never fought anyone. He did get jumped a few times when younger. He grew up in a really rough area, but he has never been he one to do that or be violent. He has got into some intense word matches and yelling, but never physical and never just have it out with strangers. This is the peacemaker, bookworm, successful, sweet, educated executive.

Now the other interesting thing to me is during one of my talks with H's dad when he was here and talking about his depression is he too said he was so angry he was looking for someone, anyone to say something to him so he could beat the crap out of someone. He says now he is worried that had that ever happened, he wouldn't have been able to stop until one of them was dead or he was unconscious.

For sure H needs to get into C. I think after he does another round, we may be at the point we can start MC.

[ForeverYoung]

I'm so proud of you, Raine. Do stay the course, and do keep us updated. Your story is an inspiration to us all.

[CallaghanClown]

Wow Raine, that post just rang true so much for my sitch. My H isn't angry with me anymore because I give him no ammo. But he's so angry with the world. He works in an aggressive industry now, so gives himself the right to be angry all the time.

He thinks himself a gangster some days. Others he's a businessman that needs to keep himself above that.

He used to be a sportsman in an aggressive sport. Now he doesn't get that release. I think that added to his MLC.

Thank you for this. I understand it more now.

Best of luck with H working through his anger.