Don't know what to think

[Whiterose]

So glad you had an enjoyable thanksgiving and talk with the inlaws.

Have a good rest!

[job]

I'm very glad to see that you did have a nice Thanksgiving w/your family. You need the week off to rest and re-energize yourself. Sometimes we don't realize just how much stress we are under until we get away for a bit.

I'm glad you took the time to call his parents. They do enjoy talking to you and probably were glad you were thinking of them. After all, it can't be easy seeing their son act out.

So, what's on the agenda for the Christmas holidays? Any plans or are you staying in your area?

[T-boned]

Thanks Whiterose and Job for your responses.

Think I am going to stick around home and maybe do a repeat of T-Day vacation with my mom and sister - go visit friends. May go back up to Yosemite to see my friend and go skiing with her. Still sort of up in the air but I'm leaning that way.

Feeling pretty strong after the vacation. Kind of teetering on full acceptance of what is happening and beginnning to feel like I may not be able to go back if he asked. Yet I still pray every day he will find peace and happiness and that we will get back together. Sort of a mixed bag of feelings that are starting to shake out. All I know is five months ago I didn't think I could feel this way. I realize I'm far from being done with this - more to come (marathon not a sprint). Let's see how I handle him calling with a definite date to meet with the mediator. Then the actual meeting where I see him again.

I try not to dwell on anything about him too much because it allows my mind to go places I don't want it to go - like how is he satisfying his sexual needs - with a hooker? or some chick he met on match.com. Does he miss me at all? Or does he see me as some old woman he doesn't want to be married to anymore.

Like I said, as long as I don't dwell on it I can keep myself from all these unnecessary thoughts and go about my life without him. But gosh, I miss him - the laughter, togetherness, and fun we had.

I better stop here before the snowball starts to form.

Thanks you guys for checking in. I apologize for not stopping by your threads and commenting. Just not enough hours in a day right now to spend here catching up on everyone. How do some of you do it on such a regular basis and with so many people?

Gotta go to bed - it's getting late and 5am gets here too quickly!

[T-boned]

Been away for a while. Nothing really new had been happening. Feel stronger about moving on - detaching, but still miss him.

Went to the mediator tonight. Hadn't seen H for a while - no hello hug. Kept my distance. All was very civil in the meeting and he was being very cooperative and sticking to his word about things.

After we left the office I gave him some things from the house I thought he would like to have back and a few things I didn't know what to do with and just wanted out of the house. After the exchange there was a long hug - felt so good to hold him - but I waited for him to release. Then he began to say he was sorry, and started to choke up. I said that I hoped one day he could explain all this to me because even though I was moving on it makes it difficult to make progress when you're not really sure what all happened that we got to here. That even our marriage counselor didn't see it coming. But because I cared and didn't want to stand in his way, I'd go along with all this. That's about all I said other than 'Good night' and walked away.

Forgot to thank him for being so amicable, so I called a little later. Said he was glad I did, and said I deserved his cooperation, at least.

That was that....

Proud of myself that I didn't even cry during all of this.

[tigerlily78]

T-Boned. I am so sorry you are going through mediation, but it sure sounds like you are handling it as well as anyone could be expected.

I am glad for you that your H is being decent about it. From reading other threads it seems like the process could be so much worse. I know it is hard to count your blessings in times like this, but that is one thing to be grateful for... it could be ugly.

I can tell that even though you are sad about it, you sound really strong and that you are really communicating well and in control of your emotions. You SHOULD be proud of yourself for how you have conducted and carried yourself. I am in awe of you right now. I am an overcooked noodle compared to you.

[T-boned]

Thanks, TL. You're no overcooked noodle - I am in complete awe of you!! How you juggle all that you are going through and manage to sound so sane about the whole thing is beyond my ability. You, my friend, are the one that is handling it all so well IMHO.. My sitch is pretty straight forward other than he just won't tell me what went so terribly wrong that we ended up here. Must not be my time to know.

I get a brief glance at your posts every now and then just to get an idea of what's happening with you, but I've been so busy at work trying to get some things done that have time constraints that I don't have a lot of free time to sit and communicate. Just know I'm out there watchin' ya - not in a creepy sense of course!!! And of course hoping your man comes to his senses. As I said earlier, I don't know how you do it - you are being so patient and restrained (well most of the time :)). I think you are playing it wisely so keep doing what you are doing - however take my advice with a grain of salt cuz I'm no success story here!!! Better to listen to the vets.

Thanks for checking in on me. Always glad to see a reply from you. Probably won't be much happening with me for a while - I may not be posting about my sitch for a couple of weeks but next week I can do more checking on you and a couple others. Until then, stay strong!!!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

T-Bone,

How you conducted yourself on the 16th was amazing. That was near as perfect as you can get for detachment and grace under fire. May the holidays bring you something special.

[T-boned]

Thank you for stopping by and commenting, JTB. I really needed that confirmation that I did something right. I wasn't sure if I had gone too far by voicing my hopes for an explanation someday. He texted me a day later saying he thought the mediator was good, honest, trustworthy etc... and thought we should use her. I just texted back, "I agree" and have left it at that. Haven't heard a thing since b/c I'm sure he hightailed it out of town up to his family's for the holiday and won't be back until the New Year.

I haven't been posting lately - been busy getting ready for the holidays (yuck) and working out of town although I took this whole week off for Christmas. Had a rough couple of days up until Christmas. But I've gotten through it. Gave myself permission to feel it all, cry it out, talk to a few friends who are steady and supportive. Had an enjoyable Christmas Eve and Day with my elderly mom and sister. Not the most exciting or happiest of Christmas's, but more relaxed and adult. After they left I went to a friends house for dinner Xmas night with another couple and their kids. Back in happier times all three couples would get together for lots of BBQ's and fun times - this time we were minus my H. Kind of sad. I just sat and watched the couples banter with one another and missed doing that with my H as well.

H's sister called me on Xmas Eve day - talked mostly about her daughter (his niece), thanked me for sending her some Xmas cash, yada yada. She asked if he talks with me at all - told her "No" that I feel somewhat like a leper, but also recognized there wasn't much to talk about if he couldn't talk about our situation. She then said that H feels really bad about himself right now. Geez, I wonder why....

H didn't call or text to wish me a Merry Christmas although I'm not really surprised. I thought about texting him to say that despite everything, I wanted to wish him a MC (probably so I could appear to be the stronger of the two of us) but decided against it. Didn't want to get the obligatory response "Same to you" or "Thank you." That would hurt even worse, plus it wouldn't be very detached of me. So I decided to spare myself that pain and let it go. So nothing is really happening at this point in time--I don't have much to talk about. Life just goes on.

However, I'm trying to adopt a raw food diet mostly for health reasons which has provided a lot of distraction from this sitch. I got to use my new dehydrator for the first time today - very exciting. Got some raw nuts soaking to make fresh almond milk and make kale chips. Thinking about taking some raw cooking classes in the new year. So it feels like I may be taking some steps toward GAL. Just trying to hang in there.

JTB, I hope you had a good holiday and that you are doing better. Think about you and keep you in my prayers. Again, thanks for stopping by.

[T-boned]

Back to work. Had a full day of being alone in the desert which always allows for thinking and speculation. Since I don't have much to focus on at work right now I spent a lot of time today thinking about H and trying to understand why he is doing what he's doing. I have moments, which are becoming more regular, where I just think he's so confused he can't even see what he's doing and throwing away. I am almost ready to walk.

I keep thinking, if I was so in love with the man I knew before, but who now says he was living a lie for many years, then I guess there's no one to go back to and be in love with. I am pining over someone who isn't even there - a ghost, for lack of a better term. So what the heck am I doing wasting my precious time and emotional energy on someone who isn't and can't be there!!! Geez, Sherlock.

But I also say to myself that he is not in his right mind right now, is wrestling with his evaluation of his life and is trying to find a way to explain why he is so "F'd up" (his words). I just hope he will stop trying to avoid really looking at himself (at least that's what I think he is doing) by keeping himself so busy with everyone else in his life and clearly and honestly assess what he is losing by doing this. I have lost so much respect for him and trust in him. I don't think that matters to him right now but some day I will tell him and I hope it has some sort of impact. He's big on being respected. Despite it all, a small part of me wants to leave the door slightly ajar just in case. And yet I realize he may not be the man I loved before. Like I said, it may just be I am in love with a ghost.

Haven't heard a word from him this whole holiday season. I don't know who he talks to about all this - it's not my neighbor who is trying to maintain a friendship with him. Neigbor says H doesn't talk at all about me or our situation - H just talks about drinking beer with his buddies and/or going on camping trips with them. One of the guys H talks about spending time with was a guy my H could barely stand to be around - avoided him at all costs. So strange. . . Neighbor says it's a pretty sad situation over at H place - kind of depresssing in some respects. Neighbor says he doesn't really recognize H anymore either - I mean he looks the same but his spirit is gone when you look in his eyes, but when H laughs, the neighbor says to himself, "Oh there you are!" I know what he means - I see the same thing when I see him on those rare occasions. Like I can look right through him. It all just feels so wrong but all I can do is look out for myself and get busy livin'.

[tigerlily78]

Okay, you are probably going to get several posts from me here and I hope they make sense... I am a little loopy at the moment from a long hard day and not a lot of sleep.

I think it is awesome you are trying a raw food diet. Definitely keep ME posted on how that is going for you, I am really interested in that. My H actually bought me/us a couple books books on Raw Foods, but at the time I didn't really have a lot of the gear to so some of the more interesting things.

DO NOT take what he says seriously about "living a lie for his whole life" ... they almost ALL say this too. Mine certainly did, that he had been "repressing his true self to make everyone else happy" or something like that. But really, it is baloney. You do not live with someone for 15 or 20 years and not know who they really are. If anything the problem is that RIGHT now they don't know who they really are... they want the "new, improved" self to be the REAL them and the thing they need to be in order to be happy. BUT, they don't actually KNOW if that is true... its all very much self delusion and wishful thinking.

You may remember in my case I pointed out many examples of how my H is clearly acting the opposite of his true character... he was going out ALL the time, spending less time alone, being really vain, spending money on clothes and cologne and other superficial stuff. ALL of this was the exact opposite of how he truly was for our entire time together. He IS an introvert... why in the world would he have ever pretended that or FAKED that, if being with other people 24/7 and basking in their constant attention is what would have made him happy? He wouldn't of and I don't think he COULD have. So what's really happening is he is PRETENDING really hard that he is not an introvert, but it's exhausting.

I think in time you will see that YOU really did know your H, the issue is that right now he is too confused to be able to know himself. He threw out all the old pieces of himself to try and make room for the new ones... but in time he will probably realize those new pieces don't fit together properly within him. He will probably throw a lot of them back and take up some of the old ones, if not most of them. You won't know for sure until he finishes the process of reconstructing his "self."