Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

Interesting comment he made a few days ago that just hit me today. His Aunt and Uncle sent the kids a Christmas gift and I asked if he had the kids call to thank them. He told me he would rather just send a card, he doesn't want to deal with the conversation. he used to be very close to his family, and this uncle in particular. But the past two years or so he stopped wanting to do things with them (or anyone except a couple of work buddies) and would get angry whenever he sensed anyone putting pressure on him to do so (I of course was one of those people).

So the more I think about this the more I think I am not the problem--but I add to it in some way. I know that trying to read his mind is fruitless, but I really wish I had an inkling about what is going through his head. Right now things feel so normal. Not the fantastic normal that we used to have, but the comfortable (yet unromantic) normal we had these past two years. I would push for more because of the loneliness and we would fight about it then make up. BD was the same pattern except he came right out and said he wants out--and I always wondered if he was saying it to shut me up or because he means it.

I still don't know. I am not sure if he even knows. It was the same pattern at first but I changed the game by not begging, crying, pleading. In fact I slept on it, and then agreed with him the next day. Two days later I took it back and said, I didn't think we should end our marriage but I do agree that how things are isn't working.

For some reason we just don't know how to make it better--although I think the distance I am giving him is helping. It just stinks because the attraction is still there on both ends, the parenting team work is great, the household stuff (finances excluded although that is getting better) is good. It really feels like this should work out. But I don't know if he really likes me, like if he wasn't attracted to me and we didn't share children, I don't know if he would want to be my friend. And that is making me self conscious. That is why I feel the need to mind read. I want to know if this is a problem of him just discovering that I am not the person he thought I was and we have nothing in common--in which case there is no hope, or if there is another reason that can be overcome with time and commitment.

I don't want to hear him say he doesn't want me again, and that is part of what is keeping me from trying to initiate R talk. I don't want to put myself in a position to be hurt again. And I know that being detached means I am not wondering these things. But when I see him talking to friends I wonder if he likes me the way he likes them (or if he ever has). If he thinks of me as someone who is fun to be around (when sex is off the table), when I am not burdening him with my expectations. That sort of rejection is the scariest part for me. If it is true then it [censored] that it took him 14 years to figure it out.