Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Thanks so much my awesome friends I'll keep staying the course.

I forgot to mention a few other things that have happened that may help give a little insight into this crisis/MLC.

I feel like H has a lot of anger inside he is trying to deal with. He said awhile ago that when he sees me having a difficult time, it makes him angry, like wanting to lash out at me, move out of the MB, just get away because he feels like he is the cause of me feeling low or sad. That has stuck with me and made me hold back a bit, cause i feel like he can't handle himself yet, let alone someone else's feelings.

The anger has been such a huge part of this for H. He also said that when he left the home and when he was doing what he was doing, he justified it because he was so angry at me. He didn't care. But now he doesn't know why he was so angry. It doesn't make sense to him.

So with that background, here are some things that are happening now...

We took the kids out shopping before Christmas. A couple of them are getting over colds. H told me that he was glad we took them out. They need to get out of the house and get fresh air. He said though that the whole time we were out shopping he was just waiting for someone to make a comment, notice a runny nose or one of them cough and question him for bringing his kids out. He said he was waiting for someone to do that which would mean he would blow up at them. He makes up these scenarios in his head that are so crazy, like anyone is going to say something like that to us, but he makes up the scene and plays it out, and gets all worked up and angry like it has already happened.

Another time we were going through a drive through with a double line. So common curtsey is one car from lane 1 and then one car from lane 2, right? Well this other car in the other lane hugged the bumper of the car in front of him, and cut in when it should have been our turn. So H has some choice words, but my immediate reaction is to get a massive grin on my face and start waving like crazy at this other guy. He smiles and waves back and mouths, "Do I know you?" It was seriously funny, right? And H just starts laughing, just thinks it's awesome I did that. And later he says he was thinking he was going to have to get out of the car and rearrange that guy's face.

We were at a store and he pointed out someone he had almost got into a fight with over a game.

Okay, enough examples. But this is not the H I've ever known. And he has never fought anyone. He did get jumped a few times when younger. He grew up in a really rough area, but he has never been he one to do that or be violent. He has got into some intense word matches and yelling, but never physical and never just have it out with strangers. This is the peacemaker, bookworm, successful, sweet, educated executive.

Now the other interesting thing to me is during one of my talks with H's dad when he was here and talking about his depression is he too said he was so angry he was looking for someone, anyone to say something to him so he could beat the crap out of someone. He says now he is worried that had that ever happened, he wouldn't have been able to stop until one of them was dead or he was unconscious.

For sure H needs to get into C. I think after he does another round, we may be at the point we can start MC.