Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

Thank you Melissag. He is so hard to read and I need to keep reminding myself that even though he isn't showing any of his cards now, doesn't mean I need to stop my life from going on.

The problem is holidays. It makes detaching so much harder. I was all over the place the past few days. Going from having all sorts of expectations "Baby all I want for Christmas is You". Expecting a Christmas miracle. And it didn't happen, but there was still joy. Christmas was pretty much what it has been for the past few years and I am grateful that there was no strain-even if I didn't have a Christmas miracle of him suddenly becoming everything I always dreamed of.

The past two Christmases he has been so different--he used to spoil me, accommodate all of my Christmas plans--or at least compromise with them.

The bit problem that I had with him was that he never wanted to do anything. In the beginning of our marriage he seemed to be so family oriented and loved that both of our families had big family parties. Then his family started to break apart into smaller family units and he stopped wanting to do anything with them. So I decided to just keep on doing things with my family which he gradually resisted more and more to the point where I am always attending alone or just with the kids. And I resented it. We always host Christmas Eve and I used to get mad that he would turn in early. However, this year i realize how much he really helps out and rather than getting upset that he went to bed before dessert I was really grateful for the effort he made. Something I never recognized before because I was so focused on what he wasn't doing.

Christmas day I took the kids to my uncle's and I noticed that his husband (who always makes an impressive spread and was busting his hump to feed our crazy and very large family) also sat out of the after dinner festivities. And it made me realize that there is nothing wrong or unusual with that. Why did I make such a big deal about my H doing that in the past?

I think I wanted my parent's marriage rather than accepting my own. Although, I have to admit there is still a loneliness that I have to learn to accept if our marriage works out.