FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS

[willbwell]

amb, not that it makes it any better but my h would do the same. wants me to 'get ready' to be on my own.
I agree with job. its ironic, they don't want to stay and do the hard work, they want to take an easier way out. I tell h, constantly amazed that in order for h to get what he wants- D, the burden of the work seems to fall on me.

I've read tons. I think you are a reader too. When in doubt, I do research. I asked h if he read any on the fallout of D...

You have a lot ahead of you, but I think you sound like a smart with-it woman. This year is almost over...New Year, New beginings

[Ambivalent]

So how do I move forward? My goal is to keep the house, and work on credit. How do I handle husband? I think he believes I'm in denial. Do I continue to act chipper and as if he'd be a fool...? Do I just ignore him and let the attorney's do everything?

It is so painful to get kicked in the teeth at this time of year. Christmas was always my favorite time, I worked so hard to make things right for the family. I'm so torn. Part of me hopes his day was miserable, and thought provoking. The other side of me wants him to heal and get through the tunnel before he gets involved seriously.

I look around the house , and think " This may be the last Christmas here. " Then I look at some of the huge pieces of furniture and think " I cannot move that with women, it's too large and heavy. " My Christmas was filled with the back and forth of being in the now, and the uncertainty of the future.

I am overwhelmed , tired and fighting a cold. I want to just rest today, but can't because I have and appt. with an attorney.

I'll share more about the good of yesterday later, I have to get into the shower and look presentable. I don't want to cry in front of the attorney, but it is so fresh right now.

[Cadet]

I think the way you handle him is to LET GO.

Drop the rope.

Husband you can have the divorce and this is the way it is going to work.
Validate his desire for a divorce and back it up with actions.
I am glad I read elsewhere that you are seeing an attorney.
Protect yourself and put yourself first in this divorce proceeding.
You only get one shot at it and he may be willing to negotiate a better deal for you the sooner it gets done.

[job]

You go to your lawyer's appointment and then you'll know what can and can't be done in the way of financial issues. How do you handle your husband? The same way that you have been, kind and civil. No one says you have to be happy/chipper all of the time. I don't think that you will have much contact w/him except via email and texts. He wants to avoid any alone, face-to-face time w/you because he doesn't want to see the disappointment, hurt, etc. that will be on your face and in your eyes. He doesn't want to hear the pain that will be in your voice either.

At some point, discussions will need to take place between the lawyers and I would presume that will begin very shortly because of all of the financial issues. Many of them will promise you things such as you keep this or that and I won't screw you over, etc., but as time moves along, they do exactly what they way that they won't do.

I know it has to be very tough walking around you home and thinking that this may be your last Christmas there...but it might not be. You have to try and stay positive at this point. As for the furniture, I'm sure you have some friends and family that may be able to help you move the heavy stuff. You don't know, your h may want some of the furniture as well. But for now, don't plan too far ahead. Keep your focus on today and what you need to ask the lawyer. Listen, write down the info and ask questions. No question is stupid..so ask.

BTW, it's okay to cry in front of the lawyer. They see this all of the time and know it is an emotional time. Good luck!

[Wonka]

Ambi,

Job has given you very good advice.

I would say that the sensivity chip is truly broken in the MLCers. I had mine broken when during the Martha Vineyard's family vacation back in 2003 when Ms. Wonka went swimming in the ocean with her sister and she came back to our area with these words, "Wonka, I almost drowned out there!" My response? "Oh" Yep, I was dead and numb inside. Normally, I would be very concerned and fuss over her. sigh

In the mind of MLCer who has already emotionally divorced themselves from the LBS and the M, they are just going through motions and want to get the hell away from you. By giving you these books, H, in his mind, is "helping you", in his own twisted way, to prepare for life after divorce. He is sincere in this. This is where his head is at right now in this moment. Their brains are mush and cannot think things through in a rational way.

Just continue to treat H as a friendly, lost puppy. I think he is one of the kitty kitten MLCers.

[Ambivalent]

My oldest daughter texted me last night with not only an apology but an insight. She knows she is in a bad place in her life and that she took it out on me. She even said I didn't deserve it! I accepted her apology and told her that I loved her with no conditions. I asked her to think of me every time she gazes at the sphinx we gave her, that I knew she needed him and I loved her so much that she should have him. If she needed space she has it, and if she needs me, I'm here. I let her know I was available for a movie if she still wanted to go to one. ============================================

Well I talked to the attorney for probably an hour and fifty minutes. I got a lot of information, took notes and asked many questions.

I wonder whether or not the house can be kept, due to the lien (s), If there is one, there could be more...Due to the fact that he handled all the finances, I may be able to file ignorance to what he was doing. I had some clue, but no details or complete understanding.

I would like to avoid any litigation and keep things businesslike. The attorney would represent me and I asked if he would deal with us both, he said yes and he would make it clear that he was representing my interests.

As long as his fiduciary responsibility is to me I would be amenable to trying to keep our costs down. I really hate the idea of attorney's battling out things and assassinating our characters. I don't want us hating each other.

Now with that said, the chances of us sharing one may be slim to none.

I'm disgusted that it is coming to this. That H couldn't come to me and really let me know the real financial scenario. I guess if the roles were reversed , and I hid it, I would be mortified. I suppose men tend to have their careers and finances as part of their identity, this whole mess has got to be so emasculating for him.

I am very frustrated that I've got a ton of work ahead of me, and my whole world is going to be shaken up again.

Thanks Job and Wonka. It is good to hear perspectives.

I have a hard time completely giving up hope. I just have this nagging feeling that this is just wrong for us.
I also feel like he is a proud individual and once he knows I know the whole story, he would have a difficult time coming back.
I get this sense he thinks that he has to do this...because it has been 7 months, as if this is a "logical" step. Not that he really wants this. Part of me wants to ask him this. Ask him if he is sure, or if he thinks that it is something he should do for me? I don't know if I'm articulating this well, but it is just a gut feeling I have.

He is looking for an easy out. How do people believe going through airing their dirty laundry to an attorney( stranger you have to face ), separating everything they have built, living in two households, tearing their children apart, and displacing another, is the easy way out?

I guess if I was a shrew and screamed and yelled, or called him names and bad mouthed him, he could find this easier. I haven't , I have been quite civil, actually down right friendly. I am not ready to see him with another individual, that would just wipe me out.
Also, I can't even begin to think of someone touching me in a romantic manner.

I guess I can do this, I just don't want to be shoved into an apartment complex or sandwiched in a tight townhome community. We've had privacy our whole married lives. I'm accustomed to this, not to mention I have a breed of dogs that "talk". I don't want to be a nuisance to anyone nearby or be stressed that I may be.

I'm feeling terribly melancholy.

[Whiterose]

I'm so sorry you're sad today Ambiv.....I get it hun.

I also feel like my story with H isn't over, but, I'm thinking the ending is being written by them and the best we can do is create our own ending and see where it leads us both.

It's a lot of work and you're going to hate it and then you're going to get to the other side, I'm somewhere at 75% through, and you're going to feel better about it. It's still going to hurt but you're going to find yourself stronger and more at peace with everything

Very glad your daughter apologized, she needed to, and you needed to hear it.

OH PS I've cried in front of my lawyer, was sad, and reserved, and angry, and everything (I think she was worried about me in court because I was always someone different) but, I held my own, and she acknowledged how well I did, and I have every faith in you too!

BIG HUGS

[Ambivalent]

Just continue to treat H as a friendly, lost puppy. I think he is one of the kitty kitten MLCers.

Would you elaborate please?

[Wonka]

Ambi,

I believe I explained the differences between a Jekyll/Hyde and kitty kitten MLCer in an earlier thread of yours a bit ways back. Isn't that right? Or perhaps it was someone else's thread...Linda's?

Lemme know.

[Ambivalent]

Well my daughter just saved our lives . A candle was left burning, spilled onto my wonderful gift from my friend. It went up in flames dropped to the wool Persian rug, as well as burned up three of my FAVORITE hand carved and hand painted folk art pieces. It burned the top of the antique pie safe.

God what a catastrophe she prevented. I'll cry tomorrow, I'm exhausted.