Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone had a lovely day. Things around here have been over the top amazing. It’s pretty early in the morning and H just fell asleep. I on the other hand am completely wired. I don’t know how long I’ll really even have here before he wanders in and asks me to come back to bed.

Christmas was really special. H got me a lot of well thought out gifts. He has been listening to me. He knows me. He thanked me over and over again for things I had got him. He told me multiple times how special today was. He asked me what my favorite part was. I feel so close to him, so connected to him. He is telling me he loves me, often. I tell him often. Affection is none stop. He is always near me, touching me, hugging me, kissing me. I initiate it. I don’t walk past him without touching him in one way or another. If I am snuggled into him and I move to get a drink or anything, he pulls me tight and won’t let me go. I feel like he completely adores me. We aren’t getting much done. We spend all our free moments together. If we have to be apart, he tells me to hurry back, or that he will be as fast as he can. He would rather go see a movie he has already seen with me again, rather than for me to go see it with a friend and him do something else. We are in full throttle honeymoon phase, and the first honeymoon phase was without little kids who wake up early in the morning and need us. We’re not sleeping much...

A few quick updates...
The bags in the master closet are gone. It’s spotless clean in there. Not H’s full doing. My niece who helps me out with the kids and things around the house decided to clean it up. H was thrilled. There wasn’t much left, and what was there, was things that just kept getting piled on top. It became a hot spot for him to dump things. He said he kept meaning to do it, but just never felt it was something that needed to get done and he couldn’t be bothered trying to find a place for things. It seemed to be more of a laziness thing to me. I’m glad I didn’t do it or ask to have it done. I apologized to him when I told him that she did it without me asking, even saying I could put things back, but he was really happy about it. I’ve felt it was just laziness on his part for a while now. He is also sharing a hamper with me now too. Craziness.

A few days ago H did something that sent me spinning a little bit. It was a selfish thing on his part, but I know he didn’t realize it. Still…a trigger none the less. He could tell I wasn’t happy. He came over to me and thought it was about the kids, or something else. He was hugging me and I hugged him back. He kept asking is it this, is it that. When he asked if it was him, I said yes. He was shocked and took me to the bedroom and asked me what he had done and then apologized for it and went out of his way to make up for it. He just wants me to be happy. I know he does not want to deal with the past or me being hurt then or now or ever. That’s gotta happen at some point. I figure I will know when that is, but it’s not yet. He has said he will get back into IC in January.

A few mornings ago we were in a rush to get out the door and S2 was being two. H was getting super frustrated, but I had also let a snide remark slip too. One of those, "Oh crap that came out totally wrong" moments that I had no idea how to back pedal out of. I could just tell he was so annoyed. He came into the room, threw something down and then left again. I just followed him, smiling. When I caught up to him, I just grabbed him and started kissing him. He kept trying to talk and say it wasn’t me, it was this and that, and I just said, uh huh, and just started kissing him more, until he couldn’t talk anymore. And then he was smiling, and laughing, and joking. And then he told me he loved me. This very sweet, very comforting “I love you,” like I had lifted a heavy buried from him, full of appreciation. And I knew that was a big moment. I got him. I could sense what he was going through and react to him…and I could pull him out of that moment of funk. And he knew it. I got my power back. And maybe I never lost it, but I am using it now.

Today while he was talking to him mom on the phone, he had her on speaker, and she asked how things were between H and I. He took her off speaker and said she doesn’t need to ever worry about that. Everything is great.

No. Neither of us are wearing wedding rings yet.

So, things are amazingly good. I am still a bit shocked to be here: to think that this reconnection started a few months ago, without anything being said. It has been all action. But, it’s been such a short period of time in the scheme of things. He has now been back in the house for as long as we were separated. But it’s strange to think that it was only the first part of Oct that he moved back into the MB. Things have moved incredibly fast. There is still a long way to go. Despite the overwhelming feeling that he is in for good and that he would never cheat again, that he can’t bare thinking that he has cheated and hurt me...I don’t trust him. There are still triggers. There are still significant "signs" I’m looking for that would give me reason to trust him. But, I’m taking things one step at a time. At some point we are both going to have to face it. But I don’t fear that. It won’t be a deal breaker. I have no doubt he will do whatever it takes to keep us together. And I’m going to need that. I’m going to need that to be in this R to the same degree he seems to be now.