So I suppose I just need help and direction here.....maybe just to vent and get a few things off my chest as well.

So this was not my Christmas to have S this year. I had him till 6 Christmas Eve and then had to drop him off with XW. We had an awesome two days together - my sister is in town with her kids and husband and he played his heart out with his cousins. We went to the candle light Christmas Eve service at 5:00. As we were leaving, he reminded me that I hadn't given santa my list - I told him he was the best gift I ever received so I didn't really want anything! smile In my heart I knew I was about to give him bad news.

As we were driving away he asked if we were gong back to see his cousins -- I said, "no buddy - we have to go to mom's". His mood changed instantly. He started crying and saying "I don't want to go to mama's!" over and over again. It wasn't a fake cry...I have learned the difference.

He begged me not to take him, he told me he wanted to stay with me, he said his "mom said he could stay with me", asked if he could only stay at his mom's for one minute. All through gigantic tears. As we got closer....the cries got sadder and sadder....he said he did want to see him mother, and then said he hated her. I told him that was not a nice thing to say because she loves him.

When we arrived she literally had to peel him off of me. He was crying...then he calmed down for a minute. He asked me for a hug and a kiss and a head-butt (our little "thing") - so I picked him up. At this point, the tears in my eyes were evident. He gave me a giant squeeze and I put him down. As I turned to walk away, he broke down and cried so hard....he ran right for me with his arms outstretched and wrapped them around my legs - crying "I want my daddy!!" over and over. All I could do was pick him up again and hold him....my tears were flowing but I was silent. I just rubbed his back and said "I know, I know" over and over again. I looked at XW and she was looking away on purpose...staring at the ceiling. Then she looked at me, almost frustratingly or angry, and said "He suffers when we do this! Just so you know!". I handed him to her, he was screaming in tears - and the door closed. I heard him still screaming "I want my daddy!".

I made it to my car and sobbed harder than I can remember doing in awhile. My heart was absolutely in a billion pieces. And then her statement of "he suffers when we do this - just so you know!" infuriated me. Really?! He was sad, hurting, didn't want to leave his dad...and she insinuates that saying good bye, hugging him, acknowledging his hurt, and trying to comfort him causes suffering?? I my mind she has driven a wedge between a father and son that tears at his heart and mine - and I caused suffering?? Where is the accountability on her end? When she left she said she wanted "better" for our son....this is not better....it just isn't.

I made it to my parents house and tried to ignore my feelings.

I woke up at home this morning to a call from S. He was excited about what Santa had brought him. We had a nice little talk for a minute or two and he told me he loved me and missed me.

I have been spending the day at my parents house with my sister and her family. I get S back tomorrow so the following text exchange happened.

Me: Is 9:00 tomorrow morning OK?

X: 11:00 works.

Me: That's a little late - just a bit before his nap time. I was a hoping to do presents with him. In the agreement "days" begin at 8:00. I thought 9:00 was being reasonable.

X: OK - are you picking him up?

Me: No. I dropped him off to you, I don't think I have to pick him up too.

X: OK, Crimson (with that, I could tell she was getting angry)

X: Seems odd that I am giving you extra days and you expect I bring him also, but whatever creates less stress for S I will do.

Me: You're not giving me extra days. Didn't we trade Thursday/Friday so you could have my Monday/Tuesday (traveling to IA)? If I'm wrong let me know.

X: I would like to end this text exchange. I will bring him to you tomorrow at 9:00 AM.

Instantly, I felt guilt and anxiety. I questioned if I just did something wrong! I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful.....I felt like I stood my group again and she got angry. I also think that the "Whatever is less stressful for S" was a jab at the exchange last night where he was sobbing. Why do I always feel like the bad guy??

I need help understanding. I feel like our relationship (not "relationship", but how we relate and communicate) has been getting worse ever since I started sticking up for my time....sticking up for myself and not caving. And somehow I feel the worse for it. As if I am making her mad. As if I am the bad guy.

In the past I DID bend a lot in the name of making amends and trying to show her that things could b different and that we could work together within the context of a new relationship. It didn't really do much.....just left me hurting from giving up so much and missing my son. Things between us don't even seem very friendly right now. I don't know what to do right now. I know I am not going to cave on things anymore -- but part of me feels like she is angry because things are starting to look and function like a true "divorced" couple with a kid.

I hate feeling this way.....damned if you do, damned if you don't. I hate feeling like the bad guy...I hate missing my son.

I hate the impact that this is having on my son....I hate having to have my heart and his broken when we part ways. Christmas Eve was brutal. In the past when I have tried to share my concerns about how he reacts to things (in particular, one very hard drop off at school when he knew she was coming to get him and freaked) and she says "I am not going to assign adult emotions to a three-year-olds antics. She called them "antics". Is as if she can stomach it if she turns her head (literally sometimes) and pretends that it is me causing the problems or making too much of it. I have a very sensitive son, he feels things....she knows that. And yet she tells ME that "he suffers"? How can a mother see her child in that much pain like she did on Christmas Eve and not wonder if this is the right path?? I sure as hell couldn't. Unless I buried my head in the sand, which seems to be what she has chosen.

I am really sorry for venting and the novel...I just had a lot to get out and it has had me sad for awhile. Just needing help and guidance.

Crimson