So you're dating......good for you!

[BklynMom]

Its there loss.

[CallaghanClown]

It really is.

My BIL called H once my parents had left and asked him to come and see the kids. They'd been sad all day. They'd had fun but were sad on and off. Lots of hugs, kisses and special chats. H said he was busy eating his dinner but would call me......he never did. Thankfully I managed to stop BIL telling me kids that daddy was coming, so they know no different.

I get some satisfaction that now my family have seen first hand the change in my H. Previously they just couldn't see it, except physically. Now they can see he's not here mentally. My old H would never have missed Christmas with his kids for a slice of turkey with his friends. Friends he's knows a few months, over his kids and the family he's had for 10 years.....

[willbwell]

hang in there CC. I think what keeps my anger at bay is how sad I feel for h. didn't break him....
also, knowing it is such a script.
Its taking me a year plus and I still have my momemts, but I think I am getting a little better.

[makingmagic]

again...their loss!! and I don't understand it for one second!!

[CallaghanClown]

H stayed over in the spare room last night and got up with the kids. Made me breakfast in bed and a cup of tea. I then had a lie in, a soak in the bath and a trip into the city to shop (unsuccessfully) for a new jacket. All while he had his first day out with the kids alone.

I've been very upbeat and nice to him. It's come relatively naturally. Feel like I'm really getting there now......until the next BD.

[Pudmuddle]

Wow, how nice he made you breakfast in bed! Sounds like you treated yourself very nicely and I'm sure you needed it.

This may renew him a little bit, maybe a baby step to be out with his children. I hope for that.

I'm glad you had a Callie day. You are sounding stronger every time you post.

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks puddlemuddle! I was sad yesterday but I'm a strong chick.

I'm just trying to remind myself that he doesn't know how he feels so everything he says and does can not be trusted. But I must appreciate the nice things. If not I'll sink in the misery.

Baby steps.

I even read a few old posts this week and realised that even the initiation of divorce isn't a sign they really really want out. This can also be a sign that they are trying desperately to convince themselves that what they have done/are doing is right. It's not over till the fat lady sings!

[Pudmuddle]

^^^^ Very good things to recognize. Those help us remember it is their journey and really has nothing to do with us. They would have done this with us or without us in their lives. We just happen to be the lucky ones

My fat lady ain't singing yet either!

[CallaghanClown]

Something just clicked. I knew it but I just didn't understand how important it was.

My H's mother died when he was 19, in his arms, suddenly of a heart attack. His father is an alcoholic that never showed him love in the traditional sense and he's continuously abandoned him over the years whenever H hasn't gone along with whatever his fathers wishes were. His brother abandoned him for the same reason that his father did over the years and still to this day doesn't speak to him. All of his family have a history of major falling outs and there has never been a moment in the 18 years that I've known him that they are all speaking to eachother. His grandparents had the same relationship in their generation too.

So basically I can't and won't abandon him. I'm not saying that we'll ever have a M again but I am right here right now making a promise to myself and my kids that I won't continue this cycle. I will not abandon him and my kids will not grown up with this family dynamic around them.

I spent years trying to make him agree with everything I said. I was always right......just like his dad. I'm not right. I wasn't right. I'm human. As is he.

[2Times2Many]

Hi Callie,

I just wanted to chime in and tell you that I agree with you and think you are doing an awesome job ...

I'm not perfect and I certainly wasn't before, but I'm pretty good. The anger, resentment and frustration is 99% not here. I have days when it is but I don't show it to H.

It helps so much when you can get to a place the you love yourself (as Pudmuddle posted) and can put aside the resentment and frustration. Like you, when I'm feeling blue and discouraged, I try to remind myself that H didn't choose to be where he is and it's not me, but him. It helps so much to know deep down inside that we are really awesome people who have been thrown a curve ball. But the thing about awesome people is we usually figure out how to handle it.

You have such a great attitude and have found a place where you can deal. Hang on to that PMA!

I'll keep up on your sitch. Best wishes.

2t2m