Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 3

[tigerlily78]

Time yet again for a new thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2411795&page=12

[tigerlily78]

Thanks to everyone who sent me well wishes when I was down in the dumps the other day. I am feeling considerably better than I did then... still a little blue and tired, but my general attitude is much improved.

Tried to stay dim and not have expectations today. Didn't go quite as I had hoped. H came home this morning and asked if I would like him to come in bed and hold me for awhile. I said I would like that, so he did. H holed up in his den for the rest of the day.

When I brought him something this afternoon I joked that he seemed like he "was being sneaky" about how he opened the door. He flew off the handle and pointed out there is a bunch of crap piled by his door, so he can't open the door easily and I need to stop being so nosy and suspicious of him (well, he has behaved suspiciously). I guess he spent his whole day "setting up something" for son and I he thinks I have ruined the surprise because he "had to tell me what he was busy doing." He didn't really tell me, I still have no clue what he was doing, but whatever.

Later I mentioned to him that I would like to get the last of the presents that just came today wrapped, he had taken the package to his den. He gave me several things. And then apparently he was still thinking and being pissy in his own head, so a little later he brought me one last item that he said "was for me and it would have been a surprise, but now he just didn't care about it."

Except the funny thing is when he posted this order last week, sent me a list of the things he bought... I already knew he bought this game "for son and I." I guess he forgot he already told me about it. Oh well, I guess it's the thought that counts, not the execution. I kind of felt sad for him rather than angry about his behavior... he used to be such a brilliant and sharp guy, now he is trying to surprise me with a gift he already told me about.

I got a hug before he left. I made a quiet comment I shouldn't have and he pulled away a little, but I pulled him back into the hug. I needed that hug, darn it I wasn't going to let it be a lame one.

[uRworthy]

Hey T, I want to say a few things, if I may. The only way I know how to be is honest. I want so much for you to get to where you need to be.

I know that you are hoping that something you say is going to make a difference in how he feels. I know because I used to do the same thing.

Until I realized that it didnt serve me or the sitch well.

That is not to say that his feelings wont change, because they might.

But, you keep saying stuff that just annoys him and pushes him away. And I am wondering if you are doing that subconsciously to cause a reaction.

The thing is that he is getting frustrated because he feels that you arent hearing him. When you say the things you say, that's what it feels like to him.

So, you keep going round and round.

He needs to feel heard. You need to hear him. And the succky part of all that is he cant hear you. He is just not capable of it right now.

Now I dont care one bit about him, honestly. But I do care about you.

I would like to see you detach. That means that his words or actions dont affect your words or actions. It means you live your life for you.

You need to get out of the way of his journey, T, and you need to walk your own.

Opt off the merry go round. It is only going to make you dizzy.

Become who you want to be. Someone independent and strong.

You continue the way you have been, and you are just going to drive him away. And thats ok if thats what you want. But I dont think you do.

I hope you take all this in the manner it was intended. From someone who wants the very best for you.

Leave him to blow in the wind right now. You work on you.

[tigerlily78]

I hear what you are saying UR. And I know you have said it to me BEFORE. Why I struggle to hard to put it into practice right now, I just don't know.

Lack of sleep. Lack of patience. Lack of discipline.

You are absolutely right. I know you are right. And you are right, that I do probably crave a reaction. I need to stop giving in to short term urges, when I have longterm goals.

I think sometimes I just feel like I am a ghost in my own house. No one can see me or hear me unless I shake the chains... I am not used to being/feeling so alone, even when I am not alone.

But I know you are right that I have to just stop and give him the space and the time and learn not to worry about what he is doing and saying... I am having a difficult time getting there.

Thank you for reminding me. AGAIN. You must get tired of repeating yourself for our benefit, but please know it IS appreciated. I do know that you want the best for all of us here and you say what you say with the best of intentions.

[LoisB]

Tiger,

It's ok if it's repeated over and over. Detachment isn't something that happens overnight. You will get there a step at a time.

Start small. Maybe tomorrow, just try to recognize how many times you think of H or you feel that stir of expectations come bubbling to the surface. JUST RECOGNIZE the feelings/thoughts when they come up.

You can do this. You are already doing it. He is on his own journey. Let him be.

Enjoy your son tomorrow.

Lots of Christmas Cheer,

Heather

[uRworthy]

Heather is right, it is ok if it is repeated. And I do not get tired at all. I had to have it repeated to me many times until I got it.

I so understand what you mean about feeling like a ghost in your house and wanting to rattle some chains.

I realized the only person responsible for allowing me to feel that way, was me.

So, I began to walk around like I didnt have a thing to be upset about. It took some time, some work, but I learned to change my mindset. It was my home, too, and I had a right to feel comfortable in it.

If he didnt like it, he could leave. But, I wasnt going to walk on eggshells, nor was I going to allow myself to get caught up in the merry go round.

This is hard, T. It just is. But you have control in it all. YOu just have to take it.

Who cares if he knows you are there or not? You are not a ghhost. Dont act like one. Go about your life. Leave him to his. I want you to start to think about not doing stuff for him.

I know that concerns you. But, it shouldnt. He wants out, not your problem.

So, I agree with Heather. Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if you have to.

Tomorrow do not engage in any kind of negative behaviour. Do not allow anything he says to cause you to react.

Just live your life, T. Walk around with confidence, like you know something and he doesnt.

You can do this.

[TryingToDo180]

Hi TL, they're so right, detachment does take time. I've only just got there after 8 months. Like LoisB say, just take one step at a time. I still don't know how I got to where I am now, it just happens. Hope you all have a very merry Christmas and enjoy your day tomorrow

[CallaghanClown]

Detachment isn't a destination, it's a journey. You'll think you are there, then you'll have a bad day and realise you're not. You'll be there for a long time then feel the anger again. It's a day to day, minute to minute thing.

Detach for the next few minutes. Feel how good it is. Go to your mirror. Talk to yourself about how good you are. Recognise your greatness. Now realise that this greatness has NOTHING to do with him.

EVERYTIME bad thoughts come in. Or you are about to spew, go to your mirror and repeat.

It's about training yourself about not kicking yourself on the bad days.

[TryingToDo180]

I agree CC

[makingmagic]

and to add... just when you think you are detached, BAM!! something is said or done and you have to start back at square one again.

Wishing you and your family the BEST Tigerlily!!

And uR... thanks for the repetition... I need it too!