Just a couple of things if I may. It is important that you own only your stuff. To do that, it is necessary to look inward.
Look at the stuff your h has said, and see what is valid. Throw the rest away. Then, start working on becoming who you want to be.
It may not seem like it now, but you have been giving an amazing opportunity here to become your best you.
So, figure out the changes you want to make for you. They have to be for you or they wont stick and he will see right through it.
Whether he is MLC or not, your journey and actions are the same.
While it is hard in the beginning, your goal is to work towards detachment. That means not allowing his words or actions to affect your words or actions. It means leaving him to walk his journey. Your job is to get out of the way.
It is not unusual to have a MLCer who is not nasty. Mine was nutty, but, never nasty. They are all different, yet, also the same in some ways.
So, he has given you some valuable info. Use it for you. If you feel that you are given to flying off the handle with him at times, then that might be something you want to work on.
But I can assure you that is not the reason he has left. You dont leave a 20 year marriage over that. He is struggling with some demons. He needs to slay them. But, he cant right now, so, he is taking it all out on the person closest to him and that is you. That is just the way this goes.
I know that this all seems counterintuitive to what you think you should be doing. But, it is the best chance I think anyone has at not only saving their marriage, but, more importantly, saving themselves.
So, you want to be upbeat and confident around him. That is attractive, right?
You want to stop talking at him. He cant hear your words right now. And I know you think if you talk enough, you will hit the magic words that will change his mind. That doesnt work.
One of the most important things for an MLCer or anyone for that matter, is to feel heard.
Doesnt matter if you agree with what he has said and done. Doesnt mean it will always be this way.
But he needs to know that you heard that he doesnt want to be married. If he feels you havent, it will cause him to want to show you he means it.
He may seem happy about it, but, trust me, he isnt really. How can he be? He has left someone who loves him and his two children without giving them a single clue. Does that sound like the actions of a healthy person?
So, here's what you need to do. Start to think about your changes. Live them everyday. Some days you'll make it, some you wont, but that should always be the goal.
Whenever you feel the urge to say something to him, sing a song, say a prayer, exercise, read, snap a rubberband. Whatever you need to do in order not to say it.
Take care of yourself. Eat, rest, exercise, pray, sleep.
You have been given an enormous opporunity to show your children how to navigate through life's tough stuff. Show them well. You are their touchstone right now while he is in lalaland.
Understand that this has very little to do with you and everything to do with his demons.
And know, without a single doubt, that you will be ok.
If you choose to walk this path, you will come out the other side stronger and healthier.
