Today was my first Christmas eve without the kids and W. I went to church tonight with my dad. The house is quiet. I am just sitting back, drinking a beer and doing some reflecting on the last year. What a year.
Last year at this time I was dealing with the bomb. I was frantically trying to save my marriage. I was reading DR and just trying to understand what had happened to my marriage. I was filled with anxiety about the future. I couldn't understand why my W was doing what she was doing, or what she thought the outcome of all of this would be.
I was unable to work. I remember sitting at my desk going through the motions, but no work was actually getting done. I would have to re-read emails 4-5 times because my mind would start wondering. I would frantically search phone records, or facebook posts trying to decipher the tea leaves to figure out what was going on in my W's secret life.
Slowly, over the course of the year, the reality of my situation set in. My w’s affair was both an EA and PA. The draw to this man was much deeper than I could ever imagine. I remember giving her an ultimatum about this time last year. It was either him or me. She chose him. I think her exact quote was something like “He is my best friend, I will never leave him”. She had known him for 4 months. I didn’t get it. Our 17 yrs together, 3 children, shared bed/home/finances/family meant nothing. Our kids wouldn’t be hurt.
But, she was unwilling to give up her life. She wanted me there to watch the kids and pay the bills. She didn’t want a divorce. She wanted to keep our life exactly as it had been before, with the exception that she would show me no real affection and she would be able to go out whenever she wanted. She would continue to see the man in Haiti and take 2-3 trips a year to see him. But, trust her, they are just friends. She saw nothing wrong with this and told me that “People do it all the time”.
In March she opened a match.com account. By the summer she was seeing 5-6 men. Several of these were PA’s. We were still married. I was humiliated, angry, frustrated. Every word or action of hers brought out a world of emotions in me. I wanted to detach so desperately, but I had no peace. Neither of us would move out. Her cell phone would beep with a new message every 5-6 minutes. Every beep was like a dagger in my heart. This summer was without question the worst period in my entire life.
In July, I couldn’t take it anymore and filed for divorce. I moved out in September. We worked through the details of the divorce, formalized things, met with a judge and our divorce will be final Jan. 9th. I now know what the unraveling of a marriage looks like.
In the end, all the little melodramas meant nothing. Our marriage ended long ago, and I just didn’t know it. The whole thing was a cliché. You read the posts on this sight, read the articles on infidelity, hear people talk about scripts, but you never really get it until you live it. You keep thinking “My relationship is different”.
To my amazement, the truth is that this year’s Christmas is much better than last year’s. There is some closure in my relationship with my W. The anxiety is gone. I have hope. We are physically separated and I don’t have to deal with the emotional abuse of “in your face” infidelity. But mostly, I am free.
I am free to raise my children how I want to raise them, free to spend my money as I see fit (minus what she gets), free to build a life of my own. I have started playing soccer again, dancing again, and am thinking about buying another motorcycle. Somewhere in my M, I lost myself. I started dancing to my W’s drumbeat. It was never my favorite rhythm. I submitted to her wishes, her hobbies, her ideas about how life should be lived. I became a bit player in my own life.
She lost respect for me. She told me that she was not happy; neither was I. I just had different ideas about how to fix things. Now, neither of us has anyone to blame. We can chart our own course. I am very optimistic about the future. 2014 is going to be a good year.
Well Rock, your post is excellent. I have had so many of the same feelings. My story was spread out over a longer time, but pretty much same song, next verse.....
I'm glad to hear you are finding yourself. And having hope is a great thing. Yes, 2014 will be a great year!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Just read your post, so many things there similar to my sitch that I can relate to but so glad to hear you are finding some inner peace and moving on with your life. Divorce su'cks but at least you've survived it.
Will update on my sitch later, but its so good to see your are positive and have hope for the future.
Thanks Lanzo. I am looking forward to an update from you. It seems like once you get to the divorce forum, things slow down.
It is still a roller coaster. My emotions go up and down. But, they don't seem to go anywhere near as low, and it doesn't last as long.
My W and I are not even speaking. I stopped answering her calls and texts. I hope this is not permanent, but I am done being treated so poorly. I just need some space and to be unavailable for a while. She has reacted with a lot of anger, but I am hoping it will give us a real break so we can start developing a new relationship.
But who knows, I have given up trying to predict/manage what is going on with my W. It is what it is, and she is driving the ship. I just want out of the way.
I went to a swing dance convention last night. Man, were the dancers talented. I was a little disappointed with my dancing. But, I need to remember that I just started again after a 15yr layoff. It is going to take some time to get my groove back on.
I danced several dances with one woman and we talked quite a bit. I had met her a few weeks ago. We talked about kids and divorce. She was coming on pretty heavy and for some reason she asked if I found any of the woman in the room attractive. I explained that I had not finalized my divorce and had to rebuild a life with my 3 girls. I was not going to be adding any other woman to the mix for a while.
I don't think it was the right answer, because I didn't see her again for the rest of the evening. She was nice, and I am sure I will be talk with her again.
I have been thinking a lot about woman. I continue to miss being married. I think part of it is jealousy, knowing that my wife has had multiple relationships and doesn't ever appear to be lonely. But who knows what she is really feeling. Being single seems safer right now.
Hey Rock! It is interesting that you have a fun dance thing to go back to. I used to swing dance when I was in HS/college. It is one of the jokes I used to tell that turned out to not really be a joke. I used to say if you love to dance don't marry someone who doesn't.
At our VA party a few weeks ago I ended up out on the floor dancing with someone who was making up their own version of swing dancing. He was spinning me and doing other swing moves. Bit in no relationship to any dance style I ever saw. (Kinda hurting me, too) I asked him what he was doing and he said it was New Jersey Disco. I told him I only knew Northern California stuff and got out of his clutches.
But you just gave me the inspiration to go to a swing dancing class/group one of my friends goes to.
I miss being married, too. But it sounds like you are doing the right things and moving at the pace you need to.
I will report back on Hawaii Swing Dancing!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
yes things are slow in the divorce forum so I have move to another forum on another site where I am interacting with people every day.
You not speaking to your W or even answering her text is called no contact on this other site and is something that is advocated to help protect your heart and your sanity. I use that with W as we are still living in the same house.
I'm glad you are getting back into your swing dancing, and yes as a (newly) divorced man you will attract attention from the ladies, but as you know and as has been said take your time in looking for a friend, companion or soul mate.
I am still envious of you for getting to live in Hawaii. It is 22°F outside right now. I am using the weather as an excuse not to go jogging, but the truth is I am just being lazy.
I don't know if "to go back to" is accurate. I feel like I am starting over. I hardly remember any of the dances and all of my old friends have moved on to different lives (mostly wives and kids). But I do love it. And, unlike soccer, I feel like my age is not a problem at all. I can see having this hobby for many years.
I have been watching West Coast Swing videos on you tube. All the professional's seem to come out of California. My favorites are Ben Morris and Tatianna Mollman. I need to find a woman who can move like that!
"If you love to dance, don't marry someone who doesn't". Too funny. I met my wife dancing. Life got busy and we stopped. It was a big mistake. We should have carved out more time for just us. Why she decided to find someone else rather than just make some simple changes in our marriage is beyond me.
This was supposed to be a big week. We had a 4-way meeting scheduled between my W, me and our L this afternoon, and my final divorce hearing was supposed to be on Thursday. But, the weather didn't cooperate, dumping 18" and dropping to -18 deg F. My L asked to adjust her calendar. The 4-way got moved to next Monday, and the final hearing got postponed until 1/30.
I went to brush my teeth last night and had no water. The pipes had frozen. I shut off the water, put some space heaters on the lines and visually inspected them. Sure enough, both the hot and cold copper lines had burst. I guess I will be using the girls bathroom for the rest of the week.
My W called and complained about why we needed to meet with our L. I explained that she would not cooperate with me and I felt like I needed a 3rd party to make the discussions productive. We talked on the phone for 1 hr and made no progress. A little while later, she texted me that she was willing to discuss things and be more cooperative. I agreed to meet her at her office after work.
I met her and we worked through most of our issues. Dealing with her is so frustrating, but I feel like we made some progress. I really just want it over. One thing is clear, she is incredibly angry at me. For someone who is getting exactly what she wanted, I just can't see why she is so angry. But it doesn't matter.
I get my girls back on Sunday and will have full custody until April 15th. The custody arrangement is basically M-Sat with me, and I drop them off 5:00 on Sunday. I can finally parent them exactly how I want without any interference.
Anger is a coping mechanism. A negatve one but a coping mechanism nonetheless. And you don't need to explain to her why you do what you do any longer. You are FREE.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
