Unlearning conflict avoidance - 8

[25yearsmlc]

though I agree with Gabby that there is nothing "Wrong" with your gift, why'd you lie about it when your w asked you specifically if you were giving son a big gift?

What were you afraid of? That she'd say no? She won't "let you" go there? How crazy is that? And tell me why you did NOT invite your d on this trip so she could be with her brother AND you...and a friend?

WHAT FEAR STOPPED YOU?

As for having less social awkwardness, I have to assume you think you are awkward when you are around your w or maybe there's a cultural thing you play into with the MIT backstory.

But I have met you and I am a "Meyers Brigg" tested, Extreme Extrovert...and I can say - you are just fine socially.

I mean, do you hide when you are in crowds? I met you one on one, and know you attended a workshop we both got a LOT out of, and they all said the same thing. We know you, and

YOU ARE FINE...you don't need an "awkward nerd" from MIT to make you feel alright. You just need an accepting woman who "gets" you. She does not need to be an MIT "nerd".


Gosh...sigh

Other than an abused wife I once knew, you're one of those rare spouses I just can't wait to see free.

Sure, I wish your w had awakened, but it's been a DECADE of her being in an emotional "coma" with you;

and I don't see an awakening, or enough hope for one, for you to hang onto....certainly not now,

when YOU HAVE AWAKENED to what has been missing in your life...YOU ARE AWAKE, SO DON'T GO BACK TO SLEEP

You want to have a life of intimacy and meaningful connections, a life you crave, deserve and relationships you already HAVE with some people... but your marriage is hurting your parenting role, your r with your kids, and your view of yourself.

Staying in THIS marriage, as it is, is bad news. It's what I would fear the MOST for you, Not divorce...


As for your list of goals, I like the goals for the most part. But I think some of them are based on false and negative views of yourself, to an extent.

I also think being more specific about HOW you will achieve the goals you do want to keep, will help you a lot.

So HOW will you get more passion in your life? Will you take up a hobby or 4? What types? My t once said I needed more passion in my life that would not threaten my m, and he suggested I continue doing theater. He was SO right. it channelled a lot of passion and socializing I needed that my h could not participate in due to his work schedule, it helped with my lonely times and I kept my marriage vows.

You can fine passion in your life, with hobbies and interests and or a different job

(though your job sounds interesting & well paying, I can see that working on your own so much would be hard to do. Probably impossible for ME.

Is there a way to stay in the field but change the work dynamic/environment?

Okay back to the trips and holidays...despite your fear of telling your w and then hiding it from her...it's done and she has ruined trips before. So you have some basis for wondering if the other shoe was going to drop I suppose.

Be HAPPY and not fearful & NOT timid, about the trips planned. NO apologies!

It's a nice GIFT FROM YOU to your kids...and if your wife says anthing, SO WHAT?

Shake it off...literally, you may have to shake your head and ask about her amnesia. Didn't She bolt away from you at the last minute, from an all expenses paid UP FRONT trip to Poland, last year? A trip she knew about all along and cancelled HER share and daughters...b/c she didn't feel like it?


A trip she KNEW about ahead of time and let you pay for, only to cancel at the last minute AND she kept your d with her too, right?

That's so gross...if you feel pressured to "explain MORE", then remind her of how expensive that inexcusably rude behavior was and it hurt YOUR D too, not just the wife...

it's not all about her and keeping her happy. And if it were, too bad b/c it's not possible to keep YOUR wife happy. She's not happily married and she has chosen not to be.

As for your clothes, I thought you were referring to yourself. But truth be told, I don't recall anything off about what you were wearing, but, leaving that aside....just dress to show your self respect & sense of expression.

A man of some means and education, does not dress like Jay Z or a rapper (unless he's in the industry and lives in Hollywood or New York, and even then, they CAN look snappy). Your clothes ought to be clean and fit you well...

I think the superficiality (which I assume is the philisophical objection you have) comes only when you are wearing designer clothes BECAUSE they are "designer" clothes not b/c they are functional or well made.

Wear well made clothes that feel comfortable and flatter you. That's just good self care and grooming.

BTW, as you may recall, I have a broken leg and can't bear weight on my leg for sometime. I use a "walker" and was told that the hospital store sold "designer purses FOR walkers"...I didn't ask who the designer was but saw two types. One is beige canvas, the other is floral canvas, with velcro you can attach to the walker so it's slightly hard for a thief to steal.

Hmmm tough call. I bet the beige canvas velcro will clash with fewer items so that's the "designer" I chose...

Luke,

Take up hobbies and find one that someday you can share with another person. You remind me of a dentist friend we have had for years. Like you he's very bright and THINKS he is a nerd...

He imagines himself terribly awkward socially but manages to mingle with most people just fine. He's NOT "cool" but that simply isn't important to anyone I know, over 30. I have "cool friends", but they are sometimes hard to get close to.

Anyhow, our dentist friend is also an astronomy lover. He found some folks online who are into it and they formed the local astronomy club, and he is president of the astronomy club.

(He LOVES astronomy so much my d wanted a telescope 3 years ago, b/c he inspired her.)

Then he purchased some land near Shaver Lake (not too far from Yosemite, in a stunning area with very little light pollution) and he put giant telescopes there. They are enclosed in small "cabins". He rents them out to universities all across the world, who control them remotely. It's very cool and he makes money doing what he loves (and has one scope of his own of course).

See, He followed his bliss, even while working at his dentist job, which he likes plenty well enough (and it sure pays the bills).

He has met many MANY men and some women, who share his passion.


Turns out, One man in the club had a sister, (a talented, smart actress of all things) & she loves astronomy too. She also loves our dentist friend b/c of his passion for astronomy and his kindness, his wit and his intellect and b/c he is SO different than the men she ordinarily meets... so they began dating and are now married....and the rest is history...

He did not "need" another astronomer (or dentist) as a partner.

He simply needed a woman who could love him as he is. He deserves that.

So do you.

So go show your kids that they are fascinating to you, and that you are fascinated by many things in the world. The way to be interesting to people is to be interestED...

like Dale Carnegie says, "ask people about themselves and they'll describe you as a 'great conversationalist.'"

It might sound superficial or manipulative but it's just a tool that helps you get to know someone better and faster. Ask...listen...follow up. Be interseted in them. Make yourself FIND them interesting. Like you probably did with both of your children when they were born. Weren't they interesting to you?

I know I was pleasantly surprised by how cool I found MY kids...

and Luke, you have a


((( Merry Christmas )))

A big test tomorrow - I am giving my son and I a (unannounced, even though she asked if I had any big gifts for him) trip to Italy, just the two of us, to see the sun and the sights. Is this okay? Is it going to make her think she cannot trust me?

Also, I will give daughter a trip to London or Oxford in February. I assume it is okay to not have requested permission from W for two such large ticket items?

W is nicer, talking to me again, since about a week. We had a large 30+ people Christmas party on Saturday, and have another, smaller (8 people) one tomorrow, with our best friends here.

A Peaceful Christmas to all - evening is settling on the land here - Luke