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[Ambivalent]

No time to rest today, too much to do. Finished putting together presents to open for tomorrow. I made homemade instant cocoa, with a nice dark cocoa! I made peppermint powder to go on top of whipped cream, then I packed them in a box with 3 bottles of Tbbasco. It should be a hit.

In another box, I packed two huge jars of Nutella, some puffed rice logs, and a HUGE bag of pistachios. Pistachios are great for depression, my daughter suffers from this too.

When the day is over I'll take her to B. B. and B. to get the scale she wants.

My husband bought us slippers today, we both needed them.

My daughter and I did one last minute shopping for the Uncle that is coming tomorrow. Apparently his wallet went through the wash. So we got him a beautiful one today.

Tomorrow he'll have plenty to open. Earlier in the year I got him a stag horn wine stopper. I am also giving him a jar of my special " Hurt SO Good " double pepper jelly. My daughter got him a book. So he'll have plenty to open!

I also made my daughter some Harvest Cheddar Chowder, she LOVES this. I am freezing it in individual bags, so she can take them home.

So this year was a gift of time and thought. It is an eye opening Christmas and I know on who I may count.

As I sit here in my living room , I gaze upon the table top Christmas tree nestled in the salt glazed crock. This year for the first time, my daughter decorated it. She picked out her favorite ornaments, strung the lights and wooden bead garland. It looks nice, very nice.

This could be the last year in this home. It is an antique home from 1850. It survived the Civil War, had an addition put on at the turn of the 20th Century. It made it through WWI, The Great Depression, and WWII. At the turn of the 21st Century another addition was juxtaposed to the other addition.

We have been here for only eight years. Almost lost it once, and currently are struggling to hold on to it now. I pray to God that I can make it happen. It would be nice to have a place in case my kids need help, or my brother in law needs help, a place of sanctuary. Security would be nice. At least paying the mortgage has a reward at the end.

Please pray for us, for the Lord to bring some sanity in this time of chaos, and pain. Bring some peace, love, and compassion. Help my husband see he is forgiven and loved for the flawed man he is. For the loving , and generous man, for he is just a man. Help him to forgive me and himself and to open his heart to more than " change ". To see the strength and determination I have.

Help me to be strong enough to handle either the mortgage or the bills , with his future support. Help my oldest to love herself and not fight God. To see mankind as imperfect while accepting the goodness as well. To help her love herself, and judge not who I am, but see me as someone who has always loved her and accepted her. I was placed high upon a pedestal once, so I had far to fall.

Help my youngest daughter to continue to grow in grace, compassion, and empathy. Keep her safe and healthy. All of them actually.

I have a sore throat, so I'm going to bed. All this stress was bound to catch up with me. Thank God I have some days to recoup, and don't have to immediately go to work. Hopefully I will after the New Year.

Please God make 2014 as good as 2013 was horrible.