KdogGS' Journey Part Trece

[KdogGS]

I would have written something very similar.

Got it out of my system and deleted it.

Here's what I see in your latest email, you're hurting, hurting bad so you want to lash out and hurt her. She fired a salvo with her emotional P/A jabs and now you return fire.

When you really think about, is that what you want? This is how people end up in the long, drawn out back and forth or ending a marriage. The need to have the last word, to trade hurt for hurt, jab for jab.

How do you think this letter is going to help you other than the momentary, fleeting feeling of "I showed her!"?

Emotions come and go, not all of them need be acted on. You probably drank your uncomfortable emotions away for a long time and now, here they are. When I was depressed I didn't feel a lot of emotion. Then as my depression lessened they all came back. It was scary and painful. I had to learn to manage them.

I noticed that I said sit on the other response for 48 hours but you had to send something that day.

If you are hurting and want her to know that, I'd drop the P/A stuff and just say, "I'm hurting so bad, I can't stand it. I want to be an honorable man and act with dignity but right now I'm finding that very difficult. Let's let the attys handle this from here."

And remember D and property settlements are negotiation and that needs to start somewhere.

Enjoy your Christmas with your family. No plotting revenge over the holidays. ((( )))

Thanks for your wisdom, I know all of it needs to be said, but it will fall on deaf ears. I will most likely end up either a) not replying or b) replying with something very short and sweet that allows me to retain class dignity and honor along the lines of what you wrote.

I did use to drink all this away, it made me numb. Still sober though today.

I know I couldn't wait to reply for 48 hours, but ancient warrior gave me a simple way to respond not out of anger/spite, so I rolled with it.

[labug]

Because of my propensity to fly off the handle and get a little hit off the feeling you get from a "so there" response, I've learned to live with my emotions, ride them out, sit with them, whatever works. It's hard work in the beginning. I'll write whatever I think needs to be said, put it away for a day or 2 and then read it again.

Most often my thoughts upon the rereading are "WTH was I thinking???"

The other important piece here is you aren't in control of you. She's controlling you right now. Every thing she says that strikes you the wrong way, you're ready to go to battle. You're constantly reacting.

Everything is not worth a full-on battle, learn to live with your emotions and you'll be in control of you not continuously reacting to every slight, real or imagined.

You'll be a better communicator, a better friend, you'll get your needs met more often and you'll be a better partner.

A favorite teaching:
"Those events and people in our lives who trigger our unresolved issues could be regarded as good news. We don’t have to go hunting for anything. We don’t need to try to create situations in which we reach our limit. They occur all by themselves, with clockwork regularity. Each day, we’re given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can’t handle whatever is happening. It’s too much. It’s gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. There’s no way we can manipulate the situation to make ourselves come out looking good. No matter how hard we try, it just won’t work. Basically, life has just nailed us...

Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”Pema Chodron

[KdogGS]

Well, parents arrived and we got home and settled in. We went and got some groceries and such. I wanted to go to the 3:30 Christmas Eve service, but ended up deciding on the 5:00 pm service, planned to do dinner afterward.

Well, things got interesting when we got to church. Mind you there were 4 services today, so the chance of running into anyone was already 25%. Plus factor in arrival times, I parked in the lot I normally don't park in. We were walking toward the building and who drives right by us? W. She looked right at my family and I. So that was a shocker.

The church was already in overflow mode, so we decided to go to dinner then instead, and come back for a later service instead. We went to dinner and then went back for the last service. We waited til things cleared out for the most part and were on the opposite parking lot from where we saw W go. Who walks by me? W's best friend from work. So I just said "Hello Friend!" and she gave me a pretty nasty "Hey." in response. I wonder what kind of gnarly stories are swirling.

Church was very difficult. I broke down the entire service just bawling. I attribute most of this to lack of sleep last night. But it was just pretty much awful. Sister tried to comfort me as much as she could, but me crying made her cry. I feel like I'm ruining their holiday.

We are going on a Christmas hike tomorrow and I'm taking the beast known as Kahlua. That should be fun!

Merry Christmas all.

[Mimi00]

Sheesh...reading that that you all were crying almost made me cry.
Try to think often on the blessings you have in your life right now and hopefully that will brighten up the rest of the holiday for you.

A far as the letter....honestly i think what you sent her (basically ignoring her jabs and getting straight to the point and ending w/ the happy holidays) stings much more and causes one to take note far more than sharing your feelings and rebuttling piece by piece. And your long letter was not from the school of Dobson....it was much more Kdog inspired then what Dobson suggests in "Tough Love".

Hope you are able to sleep better tonight!

[KdogGS]

Thanks Mimi, I already deleted that draft of the long email I wrote out. At the end of the day, we'll be just as divorced either way.

I was able to sleep better last night, thank you!

When you say what I did send stings more and causes her to take note more, can you explain what you mean by that? I perceive it as I'm showing her I'm the bigger person and not fighting her in the trenches, but I don't want to misinterpret.

Thanks, I hope you have a good day with your dog!

[Mimi00]

I was speaking from the point of view of you responding to her jabs with your own thoughts and opinions on what happened etc...in hopes that some impact will be made on her (which could simply be the hope of her gaining clarity/understanding or for her to feel the hurt you feel from her decision to leave).

In my opinion the short response sent would make more impact than the long letter would have.

I dont know what she thought about it your reponse... but if she gathers anything negative from it (Just as she was "surprised" at your "lack" of concern for her car breaking down) hopefully she will start to see the negativity is coming from within and not from you Where as sending the long letter gives definite amunition/reason for her to continue to respond from a place of hurt as it drags up those emotions.

For me personally stepping in her shoes, (and totally assuming! ), the short response would sting a bit. Because I feel she is wanting that big "reaction" from you for whatever reason....and shes probably confused as to why she doesnt have the power over you emotions anymore...thus probably causing her to wonder what is really going on in your head and may in turn cause more self introspection for her. Which would be positives in my opinion.

[KdogGS]

Thanks for thoroughly explaining Mimi, I really appreciate it!

So even though she tells me she does not feel comfortable talking about her emotions or anything to me, she keeps stating emotions about things. It seems pretty clear to me she wants me to hurt like she is. I mean, I am hurting, I tried to tell her that, and she stomped on me.

So I see your point about my brevity in response. It could sting more because I didn't give her any rebuttals or anything, and she can't fire more shots really based on what I sent. Makes sense.

As far as introspection for her, I really doubt that's happened yet, she is in full on "H is the devil mode." Her friend that I saw last night was at our house playing with our dog a couple days before BD. And last night her perfunctory "hey." was said with venom behind it. I wonder what kind stories are going around regarding me. I'm sure they're wonderful!

Anyway, family and I went on a 3.5 mile hiking meetup this morning, it was great. Saw some new ladies that came over to meet my dog, and she didn't eat them, so that's a good sign!

I hope you have a great rest of the day! Give your dog a treat from me!

[KdogGS]

K-love's word of the day really helps me out. Today's word follows, I'll try to keep it in mind in the coming weeks. Perhaps it will help you too.

Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
Ephesians 4:29

I want to be an encourager to those around me, not a negative Nancy.

[Mimi00]

Thanks for sharing. Ive come across that scripture in the last few months and it helped me to see I do speak negatively a lot but I do it through jokes/sarcasm which usually people know find my "humor" funny.... but now I see I usually looked for the negative first ....and that was not good for my relationship. So I am trying to learn to "speak life" and break the habit of looking a why I can't/shouldnt/dont want to and see why I should/why it's good....Speaking positively alone could have changed my entire marriage. But I didnt even realize I was so negative.....I thought of it more being "realistic"....boy do I know better now.

So that's a great thing you shared there.
Enjoy this day!

[KdogGS]

Thanks Mimi, I was the king of sarcasm before. I know that even things I said in jest had a bit of truth behind them, and I said them with a "just kidding" at the end, but really meant them.

That's something I have been working on as well, building others up instead of making jokes at their expense for everyone to laugh at. I'm not perfect at it, but much improved.

There is a song "Speak life" that plays on K-love, I forget who sings it, have you heard it?