wife moved to.parents house last week scared

[paul19510]

loveHub, is it possible that we may still heal? it feels so strange. she's turning into someone I don't know. it feels darker each day....everybody wants me to let go and stop hurting. I am GAL'ing. new classes at the Y, several hockey games each week with 2 kids.

She took paperwork from the house with her. did your experience work like that. almost assuming your not coming back/???

[paul19510]

lovehub, how do they know you are changing when contact gets less. I do keep up with mutual friends on F/B. that's really the ony place she might see something, but I have no idea

[Mimi00]

Paul I can relate to your feelings, I can really hear your heart through your posts.

You've mentioned a few times that your family keeps saying to move on....if you are talking to them about your sitch often, you may want to think about not saying anything for now and keeping your thoughts of R here. Most of our family's are the same as yours, they dont want us hurting so the best solution in their minds is to give up on the M.

You may need to let your W "go" and detach for your own sake, but you dont have to give up hope for you M.

[paul19510]

hi Mimi,

I understand that may be best. they are very frustrated by what appears to be a person taking advantage of the sitch ad hurting me. they don't understand why I just don't move on. Other than her parents telling me they weren't pleased about this, I told her family I won't discuss it out of respect for her.

I am letting her go. My days flow between joy, hope for a bright future, anger at her for choosing to run instead of fight (my perception) and overwhelming sorrow for the good times we did have. Although, the past 10 years have really been rocky. I don't know what comes next but I am continuing to limit contact to essential only. I am also working "as if" when I see her. Not always easy.

[KdogGS]

I focused a lot on "how will she see the changes?" as well. I am a little over 3 months in and let me tell you she won't notice them. Even if she does, she will not believe they are permanent. The better I get, the more absurd or worse my wife seems to get to me. It's as if I'm trading my bad to her, and getting what used to be good in her. She keeps trying to come across as the martyr, but we know that the WAS is all jacked up in the head.

The changes really are for you, not her. You are in charge of your happiness. Decide what you have needed to address in yourself for a long time and address it. Be very truthful with yourself. Write down a list of the qualities you need to improve.

What does ideal paul look like to you? Become that paul, not the paul you are now. If you truly change, those changes will present themselves in every reaction and your other relationships. I know that my changes have.

[paul19510]

Kdog, I noticed the same. I have already seen changes in my other relationships and I need to not worry about the W's perception of them. she is doing things that are really not making sense. but, its her choice. unfortunately, the holiday is presenting times and issues where we are in contact via txt about holiday plans and times. So we are communicating.

My D 16 just vented all of her hurts about this today to me. I felt I should make the W aware of it. o I texted to tell her it happened and that D 16 wanted to make plans to see her. the D 16 was supposed to spend time with me and her Mom started to draw her away for the day. That made this venting session come up. I just let the W know that she vented and to take the time with D 16 instead of pulling her around. I'm not into that.

We shall see. the W keeps telling me she's so busy she "can't catch her breath". But I am here with the house ad the kids so, I don't feel like being sympathetic about that right now. She chose this path. I am just staying out of the way as much as I can. I told the wife I am trying to respect the space she asked me for.

[KdogGS]

My wife does the same thing regarding how busy/financially strapped she is. Yet she has made all the decisions to put herself into that position. It is very hard to empathize with someone who is ripping your heart out. She actually called me out on not being more sympathetic about her car breaking down, and she wants our divorce done in 7 days. I don't know if your situation will ever improve, but I can assure you your WAS will turn into someone you've never met and probably wouldn't want to date. That's how I feel at this point.

[paul19510]

we shall see. I think for now I just need to get past the holidays in order to see what "real life" is going to look like. January should give me a better picture for now.

[paul19510]

Also, I had some hope that she had packed 'light' and was perhaps taking a shorter time. Now that I've looked around a bit more, I see there's more stuff not here. she just left stuff behind that was "not important at this time". Makes me like a storage place for her stuff. I'll start packing it up in January if no progress to do another more than live in limbo. Not planning to just 'hang out' super long. I just don't know when to say enough is enough.

[lovethehub]

Paul,

You will know when you have had enough, there is no time that is too short or too long - it is what is right for you.

As for hope, I think there is always hope until you can't handle it anymore and close the door for the good. She may not see your changes right now, she will see them when she is ready. Will it be too late? I have no idea.

Hang in there, it sounds like your children are very lucky to have you.