So sorry, ScottCat: I know it is a punch in the gut, right when you thought you were making progress. Well, you are making progress on YOU, so keep it up. I'm sorry.
All I can do is commiserate - as I've said, many similarities: Including that one of us is laid-back about running late (him) and one of us anxious (me) - but the other way around about house chores. These contributed to our problems, too, (although I didn't recognize at the time). We can try to work on our attitudes NOW, but I am beginning to understand that we have to detach from the attitude of doing so to get our spouse back - because both yours and mine are trying to send a consistent message that they are done.
On the positive side, I think my kids are doing better now: How are yours? If doing well, concentrate on the positive.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
I just found out that she is out for blood now (at least though her attorney and legal/money issue) She was really sweet at first and told me she would not be a beotch about this divorce and take me for all im worth. Well, that train of thought has defiantly changed. She is basically asking for majority custody and everything but the kitchen sink financially. Her attorney is giving her tons of suggesting and she is accepting every one of them.
We dont have alot of assets, Our house is not worth that much, Our cars are worth about the same, I make 90cents an hour more than her. The cost of both our attorneys will probably be more than what the end result will be.
Why is she doing this to me and the kids. How the heck am I suppose to DB, How am I suppose to be Happy around her. Why do I still want our marriage to work, even though I know she is DONE.
We never talked any of this over, as to who gets what. Who feels entitled to what. Who gets the kids when, nothing. There has been ZERO conversations about any of this. The only conversation we had was that she wanted a D and then I received the papers. Now everything is going through the attorneys and we act like everything is fine and dandy around the house.
I personally have not brought up the subject as I thought this was DBing. But I feel I need to say something now. Can anyone help me out here.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Sorry to hear about the latest update. That is very difficult, especially now. I am going through the exact same thing right now.
Your W's lawyer job is to get your W as much as they can from the settlement. Your lawyer's job will be the same. It is strictly adversarial. I think there is a line between DB'ing and leaving yourself defenseless if your W is set on taking you for all your worth.
Do not let your love for her leave you defenseless. I see the drinking issue as problematic in terms of custody battle. I hope that's not the case.
Many people have entered the divorce process and had their significant other stop proceedings at some point before signing. Don't see this as the end of your journey. Keep working on you. Make yourself awesome. Let her see what she'll be missing. You have no idea if things are great for her. You put on a happy face and DB right? What if she is acting as well and secretly this is killing her.
Control what you can, that's you. Let what you can't control go. Have the wisdom to know the difference.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Oh ScottCat, just sorry. Hugs. One day at a time: perhaps start with a calm-as-possible conversation. She got your attention: having that conversation is a form of validation. Now to set boundaries, I suppose.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
Kdog, your right that is the attorney jobs. I just thought she would speak up, and not follow everything the attorney suggests.
Originally Posted By: dxw689
Oh ScottCat, just sorry. Hugs. One day at a time: perhaps start with a calm-as-possible conversation. She got your attention: having that conversation is a form of validation. Now to set boundaries, I suppose.
Thanks DWX, The last time I tried talking about what she is expecting out of this D, I got "I don't really know, I've never been through a divorce before" I just stopped talking after I heard that and haven't brought anything back up.
I agree though, I need to have a real conversation with her as to what her expectations are. I am personally willing to work with her and I feel we can accomplish the same goals without giving all our money to the Lawyers. Im going to let her know Im willing to try and work this out ourself or with mediation. Im also going to offer that if we/she cant communicate face to face than maybe we can communicate through email about all this. I will also suggest that if we cannot come to an agreement, then we can go back to the lawyers. Im not going to pressure her and will even tell her I dont need an answer now and to think it over.
This is going to be very difficult to have this conversation and stay calm, But I know it needs to be done.
Please let me know if anyone has any objections or suggestions. Im open for any/all comments.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Im in Mediation- Is that option available to you? No attorneys/ $75 an hour. I told her she could have whatever she wanted (everything) - and she ended up giving me everything.
Lesson I learned. If there is no fighting in a relationship there is no passion and someone has given up themselves. After someone has "given up" and goes through the motions the other spouse looses respect and immediately wants something else. Bomb drop.
There was a time I remember, about a month after the bomb drop when we were getting along so well That i thought we were moving toward R. She asked me why I was so happy and I said that I thought we had a good day. She immediately changed her facial expression and said "I dont want to mislead you - Im still leaving".....
A month after that we had an amazing week long trip together. Our first night back at home was when she changed bedrooms- that was it.
Expect a period of much closeness before another tear to the family fabric. You will get nowhere with her during this period. Nowhere!
What are the items you will not give up. What do YOU want? everything else let her have it. YOU need to always remember no matter how much the alian has her brain right now you will co-parent with this woman the next 15+ years. THAT is the paradigm you must view this through.
BUT- if you do this right your life will be amazing on the other side
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Ah Thanks PM! I think! Im not sure how to take your post right now. It doesn't help that I am feeling totally hopeless today.
Today I truly dont think there is anything I can do or say to WAS that will change her mind about wanting a D. I dont think any amount of DB'ing is going to do anything at this point. Im still going to make my changes for myself, but I am completely HOPELESS today.
Even though Im DB'ing and Doing 180's I think I might still be agitating WAS and further driving home her decision . For example, when we would have an argument or fight we would never really solve anything. We would just point out our own right/wrong and why the other person was right/wrong. It was the blame game and one of was right and the other was wrong. (i would usually give in and say I was wrong, your right) Then the next day or so I would act as if everything was ok between us and then start being more happy, joking, laughing, flirting, playful etc. She hated when I did this, because she was still angry with me and thought nothing was solved and it probably wasn't. I feel that I'm following sandi's rules very well, except for sometimes I respond a bit too short and kind of rude. (I'm working on this). But Im still doubting myself to the whole DB'ing. I really don't think I'm doing this correctly.
As for the current situation, we do not have an extreme closeness. I would say it is cordial. She's nice enough, asks questions, asks for favors, ask for opinions, but nothing out of the ordinary. Im still sleeping on the blow up mattress. She does not want me to see her naked. She will hide herself/close the door when she gets out of the shower (she never use to do that). We are basically roommates.
Another thing, I cant get the "good things" that happened right before the BD out of my head. Things seemed fine to me a month prior to DB. I guess she did a fantastic job at acting that things were fine. Worst of all its full speed ahead. When she said she's done, she honestly meant it. I really don't her anymore, she is not the same person, she even looks different to me. Its weird and I dont like it all.
If your still following, I Thank You.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
There is NOTHING you can say or do that will change her mind - SHE IS DONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!
She has made up her mind and everytime you do something right it will piss her off. You are the most annoying person in the world right now.
Here is how DB works. Yo take this time to work on you. Become the best person you can possibly be. Invest in you. Do something different, exercise, take a class, plan a trip somewhere by yourself (My goal this year is France) Learn about you because in the last few years you lost you....Thats why she is leaving.
When you find you again she MIGHT be in a position to take another look at you. Maybe not......but you will be in a position to choose.
Look back in my thread....go to #1- I begged, I cried, I was utterly broken. Today, If she said she wanted to try again their would be a list of conditions and I would have to start dating this very different person again.
Like I said recently...I dont like who she is.
TRUST ME if you take the right steps you will be much better off a year from now then you were a year ago.
Take the first step right now.....Stop kissing her ass trying to make her like you. You will get guilt trips and nasty looks - dont take the bait. She is walking away. CARE FOR YOURSELF!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Look back in my thread....go to #1- I begged, I cried, I was utterly broken. Today, If she said she wanted to try again their would be a list of conditions and I would have to start dating this very different person again.
And while at it – take a look at mine and many others as well! What you are experiencing is the normal! PS have said it all so I will only underline this:
WORK ON YOU! - Find out what person you want to be and start changing you!
There are IMHO two things you must not loose in all of this: You and hope!
You design, change and make the you, that you would like to be!
Hope is not something that is given to you – it is something that you decide to have or not to have! Your hope will follow the roller coaster as well but as long as you keep it you stand a chance of R. Everybody does until they decide otherwise. WAS’s path is very similar and so is the path of the LBH that chooses to stand for their M.
Read and learn! Find threads in here from LBHs that are 6-8-10 months old and go through them. You can learn a lot! Not of what to do – but certainly of what not to do! One thing that you can’t do is loose hope because your W bites, changes views, want’s money, gets angry or likewise and if you change the focus back on you and away from her you will find it a lot easier! You will also learn that many have been through what you are experiencing and later they actually felt better than ever!
It is sooo easy to write this – it took me several months just to understand the concept of “focus on you” and then some months to implement it – but if you choose to work you – you will get there! When people write “This is a marathon – not a sprint” and “This will be the hardest thing you have ever done” they do have a point! It is true! Saddle up and get ready for that ride! There is a lot of good waiting if you do it and one of these goodies might even be your W!
The reason I landed here was originally because you asked about PM and phonenumbers on another thread – that’s a no-go here! …what you can do is create a new FB-profile with your username followed by “_DB”….and then start looking for others. You will find many of us in there!
Take care, Scott – take care of Scott!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Scott, something made me look at your topic and lo and behold F is here also. Both Positivespin and Fartiltre are so right. Don't give up hope until you are ready to. You just have to separate the two things: your hope and the legal side. Your W wants to deal with the BD her way, and if it is divorce then so be it. You cannot do anything about it. I mean that in a nice way. You can only do things for you now. Focus on the 180's, the things the W didn't like about you. Be a better father. Yes it is a marathon, not a sprint.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
