Neither of you can be sure of anything other than that you'll work on things. If he only wants to move back because it's more convenient, he can tell you anything he thinks you want to hear to make that happen.
What actions tell you he's serious about this? Just like when we as the LBSs are making changes that the WAS can believe in, actions speak louder than words.
For me, I wanted to see and experience that my H had made changes, I wanted time for a few rough spots to pop up to see how we handled those. I wanted actions.
I think another question might be, what does working on the marriage mean? When you say that to H without specifics, down the road he may think he's working on the M but you might disagree. Can you sit down together and come up what that means to the 2 of you?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
His actions do show that he is truly committed to working on things. He has arranged the individual counseling for himself on his own and goes once a week. He has realized that we need to work on the counseling to work through this and he has made the MC appt. He is also planning dates for us. Also, he has pinpointed areas he feels we need to work on.
Another thing that feels different is that when I bring up a subject to him he seems more receptive, whereas in the past he would often dismiss the ideas. He seems to be showing more compassion and empathy. He has apologized for little wrong doings here and there where before he would just retreat.
Yesterday he told me that he is 100% committed to working on things, and I believe him. He said that last time we were in counseling (in the spring) that he wasn't 100% committed (I also believe him, I don't think his heart was in it at that time).
But it does feel like his heart is in trying. To him working on the marriage means doing the counseling and addressing our issues together. Getting past the resentments we feel. Working to have a stronger marriage than we have ever had.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hello CP, I've caught up on your story over the last week. You sitch is very similar to mine, but my H is still very angry and resentful, still telling me he doesn't love me.
I'm glad that you are moving forward to piecing your M. I think it's good to have some reservations, it will keep you both honest and aware.
I will be curious to watch as you guys move forward. I think all of the counseling efforts are a great sign that you guys are both willing to look at the issues and work through them. Quite an effort on the part of a WAS-I think that's a good sign.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
His actions do show that he is truly committed to working on things. He has arranged the individual counseling for himself on his own and goes once a week. He has realized that we need to work on the counseling to work through this and he has made the MC appt. He is also planning dates for us. Also, he has pinpointed areas he feels we need to work on.
Another thing that feels different is that when I bring up a subject to him he seems more receptive, whereas in the past he would often dismiss the ideas. He seems to be showing more compassion and empathy. He has apologized for little wrong doings here and there where before he would just retreat.
Yesterday he told me that he is 100% committed to working on things, and I believe him. He said that last time we were in counseling (in the spring) that he wasn't 100% committed (I also believe him, I don't think his heart was in it at that time).
But it does feel like his heart is in trying. To him working on the marriage means doing the counseling and addressing our issues together. Getting past the resentments we feel. Working to have a stronger marriage than we have ever had.
This all sounds great.
Is his definition of working on the marriage the same as yours?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I've been in a whirlwind, and am just touching base. I do believe asking what he defines " working on the marriage " means.
I would say he has some passive aggressive traits or serious patterns. He knows he is withholding sex to punish. This is one area.
I just read today a fabulous description of passive aggression :
" Passive aggression is a learned response to handling confrontation. It's not something that surfaces in a certain situation but s behavioral pattern that is employed when a person feels threatened, questioned, confronted or powerless to assert their desires. "
It was added, ..." those on the receiving end of the attitudes, resistance, and stubbornness may end up feeling so frustrated that their anxiety/stress level increases, the propensity may increase to act on their frustration. "
" For those using it as a default, life becomes more miserable for themselves because problems go unresolved and recipients feel pushed away." This is the most precise definition of what has happened between the two of us in my marriage.
This is why we hardly EVER argued, or did battle. It is a marriage killer! It will kill any and all in their path.
I know this was happening in my marriage on both sides. I cannot change him, and I'm working on myself .
This was me, because I was backhanded when a child and bullied by both siblings. We were not allowed to express anger towards our parents.
I have a fear of certain types of confrontation, generally from someone I seek approval. If I don't care, or don't feel a connection, then I can express anger.
So it is still based in fear, not of being struck, but rejected for expressing the anger.
When his counselor says he's "punishing you", you can bet your sweet bippy he's doing it in other areas as well.
Mine toward the coming of bomb drop, would purposely leave his size thirteen shoes right in the middle of a floor. When he came out to the house, he left the toilet lid up. He would make a mess and leave it and walk away.
I too am guilty of this, and now understand why. I have to now work on stopping the pattern. Both of our families of origin had passive aggressive mothers and perhaps even fathers. I'm not able to share this with my H. but I can and I have already enlightened my daughters. I have begun to break the cycle.
Funny when writing this I can recall what I used to do with my girls. When one started to tantrum I would acknowledge their anger and give them a piece of paper with a crayon. I asked them to draw how angry they were at the time. When I saw the rage, I would say : " I can see you are VERY angry ! " That would calm them, and then usually either I would ask or they would ask to draw how happy they were.
Somewhere down the road, that was erased and they both began to feel powerless to express it. I do remember one would say they'd do something and then not...and the other would say "NO!" and seconds later would say ooooookaaaaay, without a peep or look from me.
How much is innate? How much is conditioning? You have a chance to see for yourself with your wee ones.
You have the golden opportunity of a second chance. I will live vicariously through you.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Hi Labug, to answer your question, my idea of working on the marriage is going to the MC to work on getting past resentments, working on forgiveness and working on communication (both of us). Also just working on breaking past destructive habits that we get into, such as blaming each other instead of showing empathy and not voicing our opinions.
So we had our first MC appt this week. It went pretty good. She is attachment based. I think she is a great fit for my H but im not sure yet if i like her as a good fit for me. I guess time will tell.
It came out in counseling that he is not ready to move back in yet. This is fine by me as i want it to mean something when he moves back in, that i could be fairly certain of things. It makes me wonder why he would say one thing to me and not mean what he said. He is so confusing at times. I am beginning to think i cant take what he says at face value.
Also, it came out in counseling that when he told me he wanted time alone in the house that he didnt mean it, he was just saying it as a counter to my saying i needed more alone time\space!! He apologized for this. It makes me angry. I was worrying and trying to accomodate him and he was just saying it to get back at me. I guess all i can do is be thoughtful and responsible in my own actions .
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hi Fly,thanks for checking in. Happy holidays and happy new year ! Cheers! Cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hi Ambivalent, thanks for stopping in! H and I both have passive aggressive behaviors. I am quite bad at it as well and I am trying to work on it. He has never withheld sex (that I know of), although I believe he does withhold affection. I think he still feels resentment towards me and it comes out in other areas.
In the past I used to use passive aggressive behaviors to avoid dealing with things. Like you, it was about avoiding the confrontation. I was afraid of approaching him so I would deal with it in another way.
I guess that is something for us to bring up to the counselor for sure!
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
