Reaching out for support and advice!!

[juliegayle]

Ughh.. just wrote you a novel anf then lost it all. Will try again on lunch break. For now... .hugs.

[bluesgal]

Thanks Julie

Labug-you are always so rational. Logically, I know D will cause immense pain in many different ways. Emotionally, I want to cut and run from this horrible game of blame and anger.

H told me today that he fell out of love a long time ago. Told me he continues to lie to me because it's easier and he doesn't want to deal with me. Told me not to worry about him because he's not mine to worry about.

Those comments are awful. I feel like he is punishing me now. He is punishing me for the hurt I've caused him. He will justify his mean/rude behavior by saying, you did (fill in the blank) for years so what's the difference.

It's so funny. Yesterday when we were sledding as a family, my S6 started pouting that he wasn't the fastest sledder and could not go the farthest. So, he decided to stay at the top of the hill and pout. My H told S that it's his choice to stay and pout or keep sledding. But, we're all going to keep sledding and having fun, so the only person he's hurting is himself. You could have blown me over with a feather. Why can't H see that by holding on to anger and resentment while the rest of us GAL, he's hurting himself???

I can't believe what a major backslide I've had with DB these last couple of days. I may as well dig myself a hole!!

[juliegayle]

When I read your posts I think we are married to the same man. Word for word. I guess that is why they call it a script.

I am sorry you are hurting so much now. The holidays have a way of making eeverything more intense. Labug is right that the pain won't stop if you file. Yiu need to do what is right for you but be sure to sit with your decision before taking an actions.

As I mentioned my H says a lot of the same stuff and the words really hurt. I am still living a fake it till I make it life. He will say something like "can't wait till I never have to see you again "(hello we have a kid)... anyway I will shrug it off and then keep telling myself that his words won't break me. Hopefully with time I will just feel that right away.

My H has completely deluded himself into thinking the kids are not being affected. So I am throwing myself into making the holidays fun and as normal as possible. In the process I find that I am really having fun.

Again as wise Labug said. ..you cant expect much fun from him (Bad paraphrase) so do what you can to not let him stand in your way of enjoyment.

[3boymom]

Hi Blues - I am so sorry to hear how horrible your H is being. I am a few months further long in this journey than you and I have noticed a change in my H. For the year prior to BD, my H was either gone, rude or angry. I could not believe the things that would come out of his mouth. I would look at my H and think how are you the same man that proposed to me, cried when I walked down the aisle and held me as we welcomed our children into the world. When I started my this process, my goal was for H to be less mean and to simply be able to stand in the same room together. It took MONTHS. But I am starting to see bits and pieces of my H again. Things are still awkward, but there very little anger or resentment left.

I know that it is hard, but simply ignore his rantings. It is all script to make themselves feel better about their actions. I stopped taking the bait. I stopped doing the dance of anger and blame with him.

I know what you mean when you say that you are done and want to throw in the towel. There are so many days when I thought to myself, "This $ucks and I am done." I thought that it would put me in control of my life since I would not be waiting for my H to say that he was done first. But I eventually realized that I can take back control over my life without filing for D. I can set rules and boundaries to protect myself and the kids. For some reason, it is important to me to not file for D. I want to be able to tell my kids that I stood for my M and that I did so with grace and dignity.

Instead of worrying about whether to file for D, I would focus on what boundaries you would like to set. I would put them in place and move on with your life. You will not know how your H is going to react, but at the end of the day it probably cant be much worse than where you are now.

You are going a great job! I will be thinking of you over the holidays.

[bluesgal]

Oh gosh, thanks guys. I can't tell you how much I needed this encouragement today. My emotions just threw all my DB out the window. In fact, once we started arguing, (yes, I can't believe I gave him an argument) I could hear myself think "Stop, walk away, don't do this" But I did anyway. I was OUT OF CONTROL!

I was angry at him for those hurtful comments. I was sooo not detached. I was pathetic. I'm angry at myself for letting his anger get to me. And, you're right. I am going to try to recommit to DB. Does anyone else think this is a lot like 'starting my diet on Monday?'

Ah, the agony of this broken record in my life. I have some time to myself this week. I will reread Sandi's rules, review some inspiring posts, GAL, and try my best at PMA.

This is not easy. I was doing really well for awhile and felt so much stronger. I really think this is stemming from my control issues. I simply can't strong arm my H into loving me again or choosing his M. I am throwing a grown up temper tantrum all while being angry at my H for acting like a teenager. 2 wrongs don't make a right and I know better than this. I am better than this. I, too, want to handle this with grace and dignity. I will power through and push forward. I will pray for strength again.

[3boymom]

Merry Christmas Blues!! I hope that you have a great time with your kids

[melissag]

Blues, don't beat yourself up!! The situation you are in is incredibly difficult, and you are only human, after all. Now you see that when you DB, you feel better about yourself, and when you allow anger and resentment to rule, you don't feel so good. So focus on that. Remember that, when you are handling the situation with dignity and calm, you are doing it for YOU . . . so don't stop just because you feel that your H doesn't deserve it.

Here's part of today's gift from Hazelden. It seems relevant today, for both of us.

The simple truth is, our own attitudes often determine what kind of experiences we'll have. Anger and resentment won't bring us peace. Suspicion and accusation will backfire. Most of us have tried to control all the people and all the experiences in our lives. And we have failed. Now we are realizing that the love that comes back to us is the love that we express.

I'm sorry your H is being such a you-know-what. And I had to laugh at your sledding story. It reminded me of when my H said to my S7: "No, you can't skip your basketball game. You made a commitment to your team, and people are counting on you. You don't blow off your commitment just because it's easier for you." Ha!!!!!

Well, what can we do? Just focus on ourselves and our kids. Make it a great one. ((blues))

[bluesgal]

Thanks everyone!

Thanks for the Hazelden quote, so true.

Funny basketball game reference, my H has told this to our D over the years with her sports, too. Funny how they don't seem to practice what they preach. They are so far removed from reality.

[bluesgal]

I don't know if anyone else does this, but I am peptalking myself in my head for these next couple of days:

PMA
No expectations
Act 'as if'
Enjoy each moment with friends/family
Make memories
Forgive often and let go of resentments
Focus on me
Do not control the situation
Read Sandi's rules before we leave
Smile often
Breathe...etc

Lather, rinse, repeat. I want to enjoy these next couple of days. I want to have self control and be proud of my decisions and behavior.

[bluesgal]

Well, I'm going to share a deeply personal and very embarrassing event that occurred over the holidays.

All 4 Christmas celebrations went well. H and I got along really well. A lot of smiles. A lot of time spent as a family. H did not attend one of my family Christmas's. He elected to stay home and relax stating that the stress level would be too high. Long story short, he visited his girlfriend that night. He has continued to lie about the PA.

The way that I found this out was at 3am yesterday. My H left our home at 12:45am and stated he wasn't feeling well and needed to take a drive. He came home 2 hours later and went to the basement. My phone buzzed that I had a text message. I answered it and what I saw still has me horrified. It was a pornographic image of my H that he had sent to his PA partner several months ago. Apparently they had a fight and she got angry with H and sent me that photo of him in retaliation.

I don't know what I'm more angry about. Him being so gross and reckless, or her sending that photo to me at 3am.

I want out of this mess. My kids will often grab my phone and check my messages. What if I'd left my phone in the kitchen and they'd seen that??

I confronted H b/c this is unacceptable. His behavior is reckless and disgusting.

My head is spinning. Of course, I know these things take place in relationships, certainly in PA, too. He had only known her a matter of weeks when he sent this. Gross.

My feelings were all over the map yesterday, but ended with anger. I still feel deep anger. I want him out of my home. How can someone claim to love their kids and have such harmful behavior? This was a major line crossed. I will have an ultimatum. H has apologized. Called me 3 times from work last night. He is embarrassed and admits his life is out of control. I don't know that I can recover from this.