Feel like falling down

[willbwell]

my boys are good and helpful to me.
d is so sweet.
I don't know what brought this on yesterday,Cried like I haven't in a long while. maybe forgot my AD yesterday.
Had to go to bed at 730 with d. could have been some nice hangout time with s20. a friend had stopped by later. s20 wants to stay up until 2AM.now he'll want to sleep in.we have such opposite hrs.

I have become too dependant on that glass of wine in the afternoon. Its become as my coffee is now...necessary.I want it.

It feels unhealthy to me. I am embarrassed for someone to stop be and see I have a glass of wine and its only afternoon. I'm cooking is my excuse. I don't keep on drinking. If I pour a second, it is usually dumped out.
just feel I should stop. it is now a daily habit.

I know we will have a nice day today and tomorrow. We will go to Mass this evening at where boys go to school.I was so worried about this last year that I would be crying during mass and mortify the boys. I did fine and will again.
I have invited h to open gifts with us tomorrow.

I know others have much worse sits. we do not have the financial worries as others. my h is not being mean or hateful.
I pray for myself and you all too. It is the only way to get some needed peace thru this turmoil.
I look for silver linings.

I know there is a plan for me.

This should be next thread...working thru my thoughts...

I have been blind really all these years. h wasn't ever really into family stuff. he'd go along because seemed the thing to do, but it really wasn't in his heart. this is what I am trying to come to terms with and be ok with. I remember one July 4th, years ago. h being pi**ed off at the unorganized chaos of the day/family. I remember thinking geez, get over it. there are having fun.
it doesn't make h any less, it just isn't what gives him joy.h gets that fulfillment thru his job.H loves the kids and loves being with them, but not to the point that he would sacrifice any of the other( work, travel, hrs) his job comes first to him.
I know h is sorry for our sit. h has not once given me any false hope. he wants to be amicable that I tend to misread.
I'll stop now, just journaling thru