Feel like falling down

[subguy]

Telling the kids about D.
Feedback from those who have had this convo PlEASE...!!!!

Told h we should do together. We have had no convo about it yet.(when it is to take place) He is waiting for s17 to finish exams(FRI) They have done a ski trip annually after xmas. so don't know if this weekend or after trip.

Will tell the kids not what I want( they know this) but I love and respect dad enough that if this is what he feels he needs to do, then I will go along.

I don't want to be ugly or fight. I want h's happiness. My kids know I am strong and positive.
Our kids know they are loved and this has nothing to do with them.

Gabby's mom, I appreciate your feedback.
This sit has been hardest on son 20. He is hurt but struggles with not approving of his dad's behavior and not wanting to alienate his dad.

Who has told the kids?? advice??
Thanks in advance!!

PS, I never knew there were so many of us in this same sit!!
Our society has got to wake up!!

I had the talk with my children and it suxxx, I won't sugar coat it for you. My S23 was upset with me because I did all the talking and my X just sat there. My son said why did you tell us it was her desire to leave she should have had the guts to say it out loud.I say upset more like what the heck dad, let her lie in her own bed...

Let him be the one to tell the kids that he wants out. However I recommend that you also do not act like a victim or a martyr during the conversation. I would also let him know that there is no way that burden is yours to carry, that this is his story to tell.

Looking back I should have fought harder for me. Turns out my X stole and hid money and did not disclose it during the D process. I tried being a nice guy and it still got me divorced. I'm not saying to be a jerk, keep DB'ing however if he files then you need to swing for the fences. Protect yourself at all cost. A friendship can be formed later if it is to be.

[willbwell]

thanks subguy.
H will do the telling. it will be brief I am sure.
we've been separated for a year. it is to me though.. just saying D, will make it more real... like maybe if we are only 's' that there was hope.

the boys won't ask questions. s 20 will say he doesn't know how he feels. He will tell me this, not h. s17 will say sit doesn't bother him.

I will not act like a victim. I have told the boys we have to be and do our best.

I just hate the message it sends to the boys.
A part of me would like my boys to call h out on it....

To ask h, what he did to try and fix it(the M)?

[willbwell]

been thinking about visitation...
for the most part only d15 stays overnight at h's apt.
she only does this maybe twice a month.he'll pick her up 5pm, go to dinner, watch a movie at his place. bed. bring her home next am by 9.
boys never stay over.
Friends who have D in my state say my h should have to have more responsibility.
I am doing what kids want.

h really does nothing.
For example My state 'code standard" says odd# years mother has children Dec20-28. father has them from Dec 28-until day before back to school.

My friends are arguing that my h needs to see what D looks like.

[job]

WBW,
You and only you can decide what you want to do and when you want to do it. Your friends mean well, but they aren't walking in your shoes and have really no clue as to what you are dealing w/on a day-to-day basis, nor do the understand the workings of a mlc mind.

You'll know when you've had enough and want to move forward, but please don't allow friends to "pressure" you into doing something until you are ready to do so.

[dxw689]

Just chiming in with my support since I noted you said you were amazed how many in this sit. Husband moved out 11/30, Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend. We told kids (8 and 11) the day before the move out, because husband did not inform me his plans were definite until day before Thanksgiving: That's right, 3 days before (although he had told me he was planning to move out 6 weeks prior, I thought I was DB and it was going well).

As for the talk, although it was move out, not D, I let him do the talking, since how could I possibly explain? I just did a lot of hugging. All day. Occasionally will still say something to 11 year old when he is having trouble, like I have done everything I can and am still trying, but I can't control...

[subguy]

I totally agree with job... don't let friends pressure you into anything. At the end of the day you will be the one who has to live with the decision, they will be able to go back to their reality.

For me waiting and allowing my X to lead the way worked for me. She took money etc ... but looking at my actions, I am proud that I did what was right for me(I can earn more money). My friends told me to date, have sex etc... that this would help me move on. Well, For me all that would have done at that time was hurt me and maybe someone else.

Take care of yourself, protect your heart. Move slowly and make sure you and your children are protected financially.

((hugs))

[willbwell]

yes, most likely the standard will be written in although not necessarily followed. H is not going to give that much time to kids and neither will kids want it.
we had a talk with boys in feb of 12 after h had gone back home and then left again. I told h he owed the boys an explanation. h took it upon himself to tell boys he had been unfaithful.
My one friend here is in exact same sit-kids all same age, youngest more severily handicapped than my child.
My other friend, her xh works at same co as my h. They travel 3 weeks out of the month.
We've all been Stay at home moms.
The situation is similar in that our h's never had to grocery shop,fix dinner, do laundry, do hw, dr visits. You know the list goes on and on....

I will say, I am starting(I think) after being at this 19 months since bday, to be a little better with this new normal.
I am taking care of me.

[willbwell]

kicking myself...so, so, so. //upid
H comes over.. early for him to be off work..
I am cooking in the kitchen and already had a glass of wine.
really I know it is too early for this, but I do a glass of wine daily. I don't over do, but I find myself looking forward to that glass....
its usually while I am fixing dinner.
Today, I was making dips and cookies and prepping my menu for tomorrow, xmas...

just so not good. drinking even a little has an impact on me.
I don't want to give up my glass of wine.
I probably would have been fine if h didn't stop by.

he was sitting on the sofa. D15 just out of the bath.H's arms were across the sofa back.
I went over to him and sat in close for a hug.

I got nothing.

I picked up his hand to give me a pat.

Did this a couple of times before I moved.

Maybe he made some remark...good job or something....

after he left, I sent a text.
sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
I know I do a good job. I shouldn't be fishing for compliments.

h responds back that I do do a good job and I do get compliments( not really in my opinion)
h says doesn't want to confuse d.

right back at those expectations.

d and I leave and go to target for something for the boys( long underwear for their ski trip), then we went to eat dinner.

just mad at myself.
wanted a nice holiday.
things had seemed to be going ok. I was feeling ok.
now this.
its just so stupid

[BrightFuture]

Willbwell, this was not the best thing to do. But, don’t beat yourself up, you are very emotional these days. And that glass of wine… I understand… I do and say not so smart things when I drink.

You can still have a nice holiday. Forget about this incident. It didn’t do any harm in your sitch.

I wanted to comment on your earlier post where you said that your sons would not say anything to H or about your sitch. This is so typical for the boys of their ages to say something like that. I just hope that they show some support for you.

[willbwell]

my boys are good and helpful to me.
d is so sweet.
I don't know what brought this on yesterday,Cried like I haven't in a long while. maybe forgot my AD yesterday.
Had to go to bed at 730 with d. could have been some nice hangout time with s20. a friend had stopped by later. s20 wants to stay up until 2AM.now he'll want to sleep in.we have such opposite hrs.

I have become too dependant on that glass of wine in the afternoon. Its become as my coffee is now...necessary.I want it.

It feels unhealthy to me. I am embarrassed for someone to stop be and see I have a glass of wine and its only afternoon. I'm cooking is my excuse. I don't keep on drinking. If I pour a second, it is usually dumped out.
just feel I should stop. it is now a daily habit.

I know we will have a nice day today and tomorrow. We will go to Mass this evening at where boys go to school.I was so worried about this last year that I would be crying during mass and mortify the boys. I did fine and will again.
I have invited h to open gifts with us tomorrow.

I know others have much worse sits. we do not have the financial worries as others. my h is not being mean or hateful.
I pray for myself and you all too. It is the only way to get some needed peace thru this turmoil.
I look for silver linings.

I know there is a plan for me.

This should be next thread...working thru my thoughts...

I have been blind really all these years. h wasn't ever really into family stuff. he'd go along because seemed the thing to do, but it really wasn't in his heart. this is what I am trying to come to terms with and be ok with. I remember one July 4th, years ago. h being pi**ed off at the unorganized chaos of the day/family. I remember thinking geez, get over it. there are having fun.
it doesn't make h any less, it just isn't what gives him joy.h gets that fulfillment thru his job.H loves the kids and loves being with them, but not to the point that he would sacrifice any of the other( work, travel, hrs) his job comes first to him.
I know h is sorry for our sit. h has not once given me any false hope. he wants to be amicable that I tend to misread.
I'll stop now, just journaling thru