Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

I has a very, very dark day yesterday. Very depressed. I think it is the culmination of many things. Cleaning up cat poop under the tree on a nearly daily basis with a non-functioning drier for dealing with the clean up towels (ugh), not sleeping well still, worrying about son, and anxiety about Christmas, etc.

I just stayed in bed trying to sleep until noon, and then sat in bed crying for several hours after that. Cried while washing dishes, cried while making dinner. Was obviously distraught when giving son and H dinner, but no one said anything to me.

I ate, washed the dinner dishes and then took a REALLY long shower and cried some more. Then I just sat in the bathroom in my towel for long while crying some more. I thought about just taking the rest of the bottle of sleeping pills... that then H could have everything he wants and I wouldn't have to be hurting so bad anymore.

H eventually came to the bathroom to take a shower himself before leaving for the night. The door was locked. I told him to just go away, because he doesn't care anyways. He persisted to ask if he should be worried about me, if he needed to call someone. I told him I didn't know. He talked to me for awhile... asked if I wanted to go back to my home state, if I thought that would make me feel better. I said no, I didn't think that would help me right now. He said he would work to make that happen if that's what I needed. I told him I didn't think moving away from my home would make me feel better right now... that I am just so exhausted by everything right now. That I am tired of the hurt.

There were plenty of other things said. I said ridiculous things I am sure. He carefully treaded the line between "I care about you, but I can't be here for you right now." He told me I don't have to worry so much about getting a job now, that I should set that aside and look inside and work on my "more important issues" and something about that he is too deep into working out his own happiness right now to be responsible for my happiness. I pointed out that it seemed ironic, that his advice to me was to look inside and fix my own issues and be responsible for my own happiness... while he is off hitching his hopes and happiness completely to someone else. Someone he just met, not someone he had been in a relationship with for 16 years. Why isn't his advice to himself the same advice he gave to me? He said he doesn't know.

He suggested I should tell my mom about our sitch. I don't know if he remembers that she already knows we were "having problems" I just didn't give her all the humiliating details and that there is an OW. My mom has been very supportive of me "sticking it out and trying to work through our issues". She doesn't know that at this point I am the only one willing to work on it and we are actually "broken up." Broken up, but spending countless hours in the same house. Yeah, that's totally normal.

H at one point offered to lay in the bed with me for awhile if I would just come out. But I didn't. I just didn't want the "fake" comfort, when he would just walk about the door again right afterwards and leave. More talking... eventually he said he was going to leave either way, that I would have to decide what I was going to do. He would call someone if I wanted him to. I did finally come out. He hugged me and I cried some more and then he got ready to go. I told him I knew he wouldn't stay with me, no matter how bad I was. That she was more important than my life now. HE said that wasn't true, that when he offered earlier to go in bed with me, he probably would have stayed... but he has to figure some things out, and he can't do it by staying with me. That he only has one longterm relationship and that he has things to learn that he doesn't think he can learn with me. I thought that was really stupid and selfish, but I didn't say so. I told him I know he feels he has to do this, it just isn't easy for me to accept it.

And then he left. And I still slept terribly. But I am still here.

Today I managed to pull myself around to a better place. I know my son needs me and his life would be so much worse without me. That indulging in my pity party was selfish and unfair to him if nothing else. That he needs one stable parent and I have to find a way to be it, somehow, no matter what.

No H today. He texted some though, I suppose to check on me. I dyed my hair, fixed a board on our futon that had come off, played cards with son after dinner and it was nice. Talked to one of my sisters on the phone for awhile (she has no idea what is going on here). Also put parchment paper around under the tree... hoping that if the cat poops it will at least be on the paper. If not, she may be homeless tomorrow. I am so over this crap.